Throughout the decade, I've asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell me their funniest, wildest, and most awkward sex horror stories. Here are the best responses.
1. This dad's nightmare:
"One of my friends decided to try anal with her boyfriend, but her dad walked in while they were having sex. Her boyfriend pulled his dick out super fast, which caused her to shit all over his stomach and chest. Apparently the smell was so awful that he then started to throw up. Poor dad saw the whole damn thing."
2. This naked mishap:
"I have a heart condition where I faint when I get hurt. I don't tell many people, 'cause I don't think everyone needs to know. Well, one time my boyfriend was slamming into me during sex, and his dick slipped out. When he tried to ram it back in, he accidentally went in the wrong hole. I screamed and tried to run to the bathroom before I fainted in front of him, but I didn't make it in time. I passed out on his bedroom floor and woke up to hear him screaming for HIS MOM to come help!"
3. This unforeseen facial:
"I was in a threesome with two guys who happened to be friends. One of them insisted I blow him while riding the other one. He pushed my head really hard into him, right as he was about to cum, which made me choke and pull away. This made all of his cum spray right onto his buddy’s face, and a bit got into his mouth. I will always wondered if their friendship survived that sperm facial."
4. This girthy member:
"I occasionally get lockjaw. One time I was giving my boyfriend a blow job – he's quite big and girthy – and my jaw started to hurt. I thought, fuck it, and kept going, which was a big mistake. It got to the point where I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get his dick out, so I had to pry my mouth open with my fingers. Whoops."
5. This chocolatey lie:
"I was going down on my boyfriend in my dorm room. His muscles were all tense, and he was breathing really hard. He said he wasn't going to finish because he had too much to drink, so we both got dressed. I noticed these weird brown streaks on my sheets. He pretended to be confused and left immediately. That's when I realized why he was acting so weird, because he was trying to hold in his shit while I had his dick in my mouth. The next day, he had the nerve to lie and say he had some chocolate in his back pocket and it must have melted on my bed."
6. This helpful grandma:
"My ex and I were having sex, missionary. I went to shift the angle of my hips at the exact moment he broke rhythm and give me a surprise, extra hard and fast thrust. This completely destroyed my perineum. I lived with my grandma at the time, and I couldn't get the tear to stop bleeding. We were freaking out, so I went into the living room, holding the bloody towel over my crotch, and asked grandma what to do. She was more concerned that I had stained one of the good hands towels."
7. This bloody throat:
"I invited a guy over for a blow job. He whipped it out, and that man was packing what I was craving: thicker than the circumference of my wrist and at least eight inches! I was doing the deed, and he began face-fucking me. He pulled his cock out of my mouth, and it was covered in my blood. He literally destroyed my throat! But I ain't no bitch."
8. This wild plot twist:
"I had been dating a guy for a while, and during the holidays he invited me to meet his (single) dad. Lo and behold, his dad was super hot, like a mixture of Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, and David Beckham. Anyway, my boyfriend went out to the pub with some of his old college buddies, so it was just his dad and me at home, watching a movie. One thing led to another, and the dad and I started hooking up. Around 1 a.m. my boyfriend WALKED IN ON US, and – no joke – he looked at us and said, 'Really dad? Again?' Needless to say, I never went back to that town again."
9. This shitty lube:
"I love to give rim jobs when I'm having sex. Unfortunately, one time ruined my love of ass for a few years. I was hooking up with a guy, and while I was fucking him I decided to go down and eat a little. As I started to rim him, I tasted something strange and said 'your lube tastes weird.' He pulled his ass away, took a whiff, and said, 'I don't think that's lube.' I literally licked his shit-covered asshole."
10. This lost cause:
"I lost my glasses in the middle of my first orgy. I was a bit overwhelmed, so I left the room. Then I had to wait, naked, for everyone to finish up so I could go back in and search for my glasses."
—Becky Lynn Smith, Facebook
11. This sibling rivalry:
"My brother is 10 years older than I am. When I was younger, he'd take me to my friend's house and hang out there until I was ready to go home. One day, my friend and I ran into her mother's room for whatever reason, and that's when we saw my brother. He jumped out of her bed, BUTT-ASS NAKED, and my friend's mom was hiding under the fucking duvet. You better believe I snitched to my mom as soon as I got home."
12. This public catastrophe:
"One day my friend with benefits and I decided to burn one down on a nature walk and get busy. As we rounded the bases and things got heavy, he went to fully take off his pants and tripped over himself, right over the ledge of a small cliff. I had to take him to the hospital, but luckily he was totally fine."
13. This forgotten lover:
"I invited a guy from Grindr over. I found out he liked to be tied up, so, being the people-pleasing, awkward turtle I am, I obliged. I was on top and felt a pain in my stomach. I figured I just needed to change positions, so I got off. When I did, I felt something warm, and then I smelled it: I got diarrhea all over his crotch. There was an awkward silence, and then I ran to the bathroom, but I FORGOT HE WAS STILL TIED UP. It took 10 minutes to get myself together until I could untie him. We haven’t spoken since, except for the time he asked me to Venmo him $60 to pay for his underwear that I pooped on."
14. This unfortunate uncovering:
"I met up with a guy from Grindr, and he had the biggest penis I'd ever seen. I had to take his penis out of my ass because it hurt so bad, and he said, 'Damn, you made a mess.' I saw what looked like a gallon of beef stew, and the smell soon followed. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor. His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on, and he started freaking out. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity."
15. This hidden tampon:
"I was really horny, so I drove 45 minutes to my ex's house to have sex, and the next morning I realized I had forgotten to take out my tampon. His penis was so big that it pushed the tampon up too far, and I couldn't get it out. After 30 minutes I gave up and called the guy, asking for a favor. I went to his work, locked the door, pulled out some medical gloves and a towel, and spread my legs on his desk so he could pull out the tampon. He fished around for 15 minutes and finally got it out."
16. This beaded nightmare:
"A girl I was seeing wanted me to use anal beads on her while we did it doggy-style. I'm not really into butt stuff, so I didn't know what I was doing, but I went along with it. Since I was new to the whole thing, I didn't know you were supposed to pull them out SLOWLY. I pulled them out like I was rip-starting a lawn mower. The result? One screaming woman, one horizontal shit fountain, one ruined bed, and one ended relationship."
—Lucas Updyke, Facebook
17. This missing tooth:
"I went home with a guy after a party, and while we were having sex his tooth fell out on me. It was dark, so I just thought it was sweat or something, but then he asked, 'Could you put my tooth back in my mouth for me?' It was so gross, but we ended up dating anyway.
18. This snowy mishap:
"It was a snow day, and I hooked up with a guy who lived in my apartment complex. He got up and left after we had sex, and as he opened the door to leave, my cat bolted outside. I ran after my cat in just a tank top and underwear, and the door closed and locked behind me. I tried yelling for the guy who I just slept with, but he was already gone. There I was, locked out of my apartment, practically naked, holding my cat in the snow, post hit-it-and-quit-it. I'm not sure who it was more awkward for: me or the maintenance guy who had to let me back in."
19. This bloody orgy:
"It was the first orgy for my friends and me, so we kept the lights off. It was really hot, so I remembered thinking how incredibly wet I was. It wasn’t until after the orgy when we turned on the lights that I realized I started my period midway through, and it went EVERYWHERE. It looked like a scene from a horror film. Not only were we all covered in my period blood, but it stained the sheets and even soaked into the mattress. I was so embarrassed that I put on my clothes and quietly left."
20. This abandoned friend:
"I dropped into my friend’s house to give her a birthday cake that I spent all day making, and I walked in on my best friends having an orgy. I was so sad because I was apparently the only one not invited. They said I could join in if I wanted, but you could tell no one really wanted me to, so I left them the cake and went to the cinema by myself."
21. This allergic reaction:
"It was my first time ever trying anal sex with my boyfriend. We had a few drinks, and he finally convinced me to try it. He used some lube, but within two minutes, my ass was on FIRE — I had an allergic reaction to the lube he chose! I was itchy and swollen, and it has forever scarred me from trying anal again."
22. This dirty present:
"My boyfriend came home drunk and wanted to have anal sex. We had only done it once before, but we were both sober and extra careful. This time he was so drunk, he poured lube ALL OVER my ass and shoved his dick right in! It hurt so badly that I had to stop him after a minute or two. The next morning he went to the bathroom and found SHIT under his foreskin that had been there all night!"
23. This broken penis:
"Things felt a little wetter than usual when my boyfriend and I were fooling around, but I assumed we were just extra horny. He looked down and asked if I was on my period. I wasn't, but when he pulled out there was blood EVERYWHERE. We noticed the blood was coming from his penis. We grabbed a towel and put pressure on it to stop the bleeding. It stopped, and we realized his frenulum had snapped, so we went to the hospital. While in the waiting room, I felt a rush of liquid come out of my vagina. Since we hadn't immediately stopped having sex, he basically filled me up with blood. I was, of course, wearing a white skirt. Whoops."
24. This broken door:
"I met a woman one night while I was on vacation in the Dominican Republic. I was really drunk and decided to try some fancy moves in her room. I lost my balance in the process and fell head-first into the glass sliding door next to her bed. To make matters worse, it was tempered glass, so it shattered the entire door."
—Justin Thomson, Facebook
25. This lonely playmate:
"My pals and I wanted to get kinky, and I ended up wearing the dog’s collar and was leashed to the bed post. Eventually the sex sort of migrated from one end of the bed to the other, and I couldn’t reach either of them. I was like, “Uh… guys?” But they were too busy to notice. I ended up sitting on the edge of the bed and awkwardly watched my two friends have sex, just out of my reach."
26. This birthday surprise:
"It was my 38th birthday, and my friend and I took a bartender home. After things got hot, the dude said, 'You know what I’m really into? Getting eaten out.' My friend Denise wasn’t having it, but I’d done it before, and this guy was 100% grade-A beef, so I agreed. He was on his back, and Denise was sitting on his face, so I started working from his balls, to his taint, to his back door. As I went to town, he suddenly sharted in my mouth. I immediately sterilized my mouth with a bottle of vodka and left. I haven’t seen either of them since."
27. And this game-changer:
"I had a threesome in high school. The girl who wasn't part of the couple got pregnant...with twins."