Throughout 2017, we asked the BuzzFeed Community for their absolute worst horror stories. From sex fails to wedding disasters, here are the stories that'll make you feel better about your year.
1. This bride's ordeal:
"I had severe diarrhea during my wedding. My husband was reading his vows, and all of a sudden liquid crap started flowing out of me. My wedding dress had a long tail, and the crap caught the tail. When I finally ran off to get changed 20 minutes later, the tail left a streak of crap all over the ground."
2. This big-dick hookup:
"I hooked up with a guy who had the most enormous penis I'd ever seen. Rather than chickening out, I grabbed the lube and attempted to make it fit. I have dyspareunia, a condition that makes sex very painful, and his dick ended up ripping the lower part of my vagina, à la giving-birth-style. I had to have an episiotomy, which meant stitches from my vagina to my ass."
3. This server's horror:
"I worked in a restaurant where we'd leave empty glasses on the table. A woman in the restaurant didn't feel well and started to vomit, but instead of running to the bathroom, she started grabbing the empty water glasses and throwing up into them. She filled all the glasses on her table and even started grabbing them from others. She filled about five glasses with her vomit in the middle of the restaurant and left them on the table for the server to clean up. The worst part? She didn't even tip."
4. This shitty mess:
"One of my friends decided to try anal with her boyfriend... but her dad walked in while they were having sex. Her boyfriend pulled out super fast, which caused her to shit all over his dick/stomach/chest. Apparently the smell was so awful that he then started to throw up. Poor dad saw the whole damn thing."
5. This awful first date:
"I was asked out by a cute coworker. He picked me up at my house and came inside to introduce himself to my parents. My grandma happened to be there and said, 'Eric, it’s so great to see you. I just had coffee with your mom.' I asked my grandma how she could possibly know Eric, and she said, 'His mom and I are cousins.' We had absolutely no idea we were related, but we were so glad she was there to tell us. We totally dodged a bullet and swore to never tell anyone at work what happened."
6. This itchy blow job:
"Years ago I dated a guy from work and gave him a blow job. He randomly started distancing himself from me, but later on we grabbed drinks. He asked me, 'Do you remember what you had for lunch on Sunday?' I had no idea, but he said, 'You had cashew chicken... I’m allergic to cashews.' Apparently his dick had exploded into a swollen, itchy, red, skin-peeling member from the blow job I gave him. Whoops."
7. This nurse's nightmare:
"My mother was a nurse, and a guy came in with his foot SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE – I'm talking, like, between his toes to his ankle. He accidentally ran it over with a tractor."
8. This flesh-eating piercing:
"I let a girl in my college dorm pierce my cartilage with a gun she bought off the internet. I thought I was the coolest, but I ended up with a serious infection and flesh-eating bacteria that ate away the tip of my ear. I definitely learned an important lesson: Go to a professional so you don't lose any body parts!"
9. This internship from hell:
"I interned for a talk show in college and was sent out to pick up a guest from the airport and was told to keep him occupied for a few hours until it was time to shoot. The guy was super creepy and quiet while we grabbed lunch and went bowling. When we finally got to the studio, my producer ran up to me, panicked, and asked how it went. I told her it was fine but asked why she was scared. She said, 'Oh my god, they didn’t tell you? He's here today because he's accused of shooting his daughter and her boyfriend in the back of the head with a shotgun, and his family wants him to take a polygraph.' They literally sent me out with a potential murderer all day and didn’t tell me!"
10. This college RA who needed a raise:
"I got a call from a resident who told me that her roommate had PEED IN HER HAIR. Luckily they peed in her weave that wasn't attached to her head, but still! The girl who peed then tried to deny it?!"
11. This public sex mishap:
"One day my friend with benefits and I decided to burn one down on a nature walk and get busy. As we rounded the bases and things got heavy, he went to fully take off his pants, but he tripped over himself, right over the ledge of a small cliff. I had to take him to the hospital. Luckily he was totally fine."
12. This ghostly encounter:
"My college dorm building was haunted. I lived alone and would hear knocks on my window in the middle of the night, even though I lived on the fifth floor. One particular night, the electricity went out — but when I opened my door I saw the lights in the hall were still on. I went back into my room and saw a woman sitting on my bed. She didn't have much of a face, and her clothes were torn and bloody. I screamed, and when I tried to open my door to leave, it wouldn't budge. Three different people came to see what was wrong, and in that moment the lights turned back on. I moved the following week. No more living in buildings where people have died."
14. This romantic gesture gone wrong:
"My boyfriend had all of our pictures from Disneyland on his laptop. While going through the pics to surprise him with a personalized card for Valentine's Day, I came across naked photos from multiple women who he was texting and messaging with. Needless to say, we're no longer together."
15. This petty lesson:
"At my old part-time job, I worked with a girl who'd eat other people's food from the fridge. Of course, this gal would always eat my yogurt, so I started intentionally bringing in expired yogurts for her. She never visibly noticed, but it was satisfying for me to know she was eating week-old dairy products."
16. This workplace chaos:
"I had an internship at an aquarium in Chicago. I was cleaning the room behind several of our very large fish tanks and knocked over a big, heavy pipe, breaking a huge hole in the tank glass. Water came pouring out as I unsuccessfully tried to stem the flow with my hands and screamed for help. The fish had to be 'evacuated' to other tanks, and the exhibit was out of order for weeks. Luckily no animals died."
17. This truly haunted house:
"I lived with my friend for a while years ago. One day, I woke up to go to the bathroom and saw a young boy sitting in the bathtub, looking at me. He had his knees curled up, with a dark bowl cut and strange, bruised-looking skin. When I looked again, he wasn't there. I was SHAKING. When my friend finally woke up, I told her, 'I think I saw something in the bathroom, but I was probably just tired?' She asked, 'Was it a little boy with dark hair and weird skin? I've seen him too.' Now I'm always afraid to go back into that bathroom."
18. This passive-aggressive roommate:
"I lived with my best friend in college, and her boyfriend was always over. I'd constantly find his pubes all over our sink. I eventually started picking up the hairs and placing them in my friend's pillow case for when he slept over. They broke up soon after, and she said she thought he was weird because 'he was putting his pubes in her pillowcase.' I didn’t tell her it was me."
19. This dirty towel:
"I came home one morning at 7 a.m. to get ready for work. There was a towel in the bathtub that was still kind of wet and had sand all over it, so I wrung it out and hung it over our patio balcony. I didn't think too much about it, but I later asked my roommate if she had fun at the beach. Confused, she replied, 'I didn't go to the beach. My girlfriend and I tried cocaine and threw up in the bathtub last night.'"
20. This dating disaster:
"We went out to dinner and he ordered a shot with our appetizers — okay. Several drinks later, he started talking about his ex-wife and what a 'bitch' she was. As the evening went on, with the subject of our conversation never changing, he got even more drunk until finally confessing that he tried to hire someone to kill his ex-wife. They had it all planned out, but he ended up not having enough money to pay for it."
—Tonya Welch, Facebook
21. This unsanitary patron:
"A woman came into the hair salon to get her hair dyed. When her stylist left the station to grab something from the back, the woman took the comb that was left in her hair and stuck it up her butt. She kept taking the comb out and putting it back in, even when the stylist returned! The stylist kicked the woman out and disinfected the comb. I was so disgusted that I stopped going to that salon for good."
22. This tampon crime scene:
"I was getting my nails done with my cousin before her wedding, and my tampon randomly started slipping out. I awkwardly ran to the bathroom, which was filthy, dark, tiny, and had NO working sink. The tampon literally flew out of me, and blood starting pouring out. I managed to get another tampon in there to stop it, but I had no water to clean up. I had to make do with toilet paper and hand sanitizer. When I got back to the nail technician, I realized I had red splotches all over my hands and fingers. I was mortified."
23. And this tossed salad:
"My friend always told the story of when her brother and his girlfriend once bought a salad at a gas station so he could eat it out of her vagina (I still have no idea why). A few days later, she went to the emergency room with MAGGOTS in her vagina."
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Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.