23 People Who Had A Way Worse 2016 Than You
"I went down on a guy and he accidentally sharted in my mouth."
1. This shitty orgy:
“It was my birthday and my friends and I took a bartender home. After things got hot, the dude said, ‘You know what I’m into? Getting eaten out.’ My friend Denise wasn’t having it, but this guy was 100% grade-A beef, so I agreed. He was on his back, so I started working from his balls, to his taint, to his backdoor. As I went to town, he suddenly sharted in my mouth. I immediately sterilized my mouth with a bottle of vodka and left. I haven’t seen any of them since.”
2. This cashier's demise:
“A disheveled little old lady placed what looked like a chunk of orange gumdrop on the counter. I said, ‘What is that?’ She said, ‘It’s a piece of my foot.’”
—Britt Kaetzel, Facebook
4. This diarrhea disaster:
"After a party I ended up at my crush’s dorm room. He suggested I sleep over, which I unwisely agreed to because I wasn't feeling well. Once I was sure he was asleep, I very carefully parted my buttcheeks to release the most silent fart possible, but liquid hell came out. I could feel my skirt and underwear barely holding the mess. He woke up, unaware of what just happened two inches from his, um, package. I needed to escape, so in my poop-induced panic I gave him a hand job as a distraction and then left. I walked home with liquid shit running down my legs."
6. This terrible roommate:
"In college, my roommate hosted a tequila sunrise party where people started taking shots of tequila at the crack of dawn. I woke up and saw over 20 people in our apartment. There was a girl passed out in her own pee, and my roommate was cleaning up someone’s puke on our carpet with bleach. Never again."
7. This piercing accident:
“My friend got both of his nipples pierced with large hoops, and he had unfortunate situations with both. The first one happened when he was playing volleyball and went to spike the ball over the net. It got caught, and as he fell, his piercing ripped out violently. A few months later he was in one of those stand-up tanning booths and got the piercing caught on the cage that protects you from the tanning bulbs. Someone opened the door to check on him and it ripped out.”
—Gracie Tiesma, Facebook
9. This hotel worker's nightmare:
"When I was a housekeeping supervisor, I found a trail of poop leading from the elevators to the end of the hall. While a team of people were cleaning up the trail, an elderly woman walked out of the room where the poo trail ended, like everything was totally normal. The next day, the housekeeper called me crying because that lady’s bathtub was also filled to the brim with poop."
11. This masturbation calamity:
"When I was 14, I was in the middle of a REALLY good session with a vibrating toothbrush, but my dad suddenly walked in. I had no idea what to do, so I closed my eyes and screamed. He left, but down the hall I heard him yell, “OH MY GOD, IS THAT MY TOOTHBRUSH?!” Now he keeps his toothbrush separate from everyone else’s."
13. This office mishap:
“I offered to work an extra day to impress my boss. He told me to call him once I got to the office, but I really had to pee, so I decided to do them at the same time. He didn't pick up, but as I finished my business I saw my vagina in the phone screen under my boss's name. Apparently I FaceTimed him just as I was pulling up my pants, and he got a shot of the goods.”
15. This dating catastrophe:
"I went on a date with a guy and ended up sleeping over. I woke up in the middle of the night and needed to poop. I didn't want to wake him up, so I slithered out and got to the bathroom. His cat, which I didn't know he had, jumped out and literally scared the crap out of me. I ended up leaving poop stains all over the place. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to clean it without waking him up."
17. This anal sex misfortune:
“I met up with a guy from Grindr, and he had the biggest penis I’d ever seen. He took his dick out of my ass because it was hurting me too much, and he said, ‘Damn, you made a mess.’ I saw what looked like a gallon of beef stew, and the smell soon followed. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor. His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on, and he started freaking out. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity.”
18. This food poisoning debacle:
"My roommates and I tried a new Mexican place for dinner, and we immediately got sick. I ran to the bathroom and was sweating, crying, and shitting more than I ever thought possible. Then, I heard a bang as my roommate tore open the door and proceeded to vomit partially digested tacos all over my half-naked body, which was expelling the contents of Satan’s soul into the toilet."
21. This heroic retail worker:
“One customer threatened to pee on the dressing room floor because I told her it was against our corporate policy to let her use the restroom in our back room. This argument went on for far too long. She was over 50, and knew that a dressing room floor was not a place for urine.”
22. This Tinder trouble:
“I went on a Tinder date with a guy to a hockey game. He got so drunk that I let him pass out on my couch. Hours later, I woke up to him peeing on the carpet outside my bedroom. He stumbled to the toilet and was in there for a while. When he was done I went to check and found that he shit himself and smeared it all over my bathroom.”
—Jaime Justice, Facebook