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A Brutally Honest Description Of The Zodiac

Disclaimer: I actually appreciate all the signs for their unique traits; this is just a humorous roast. Guess which sign I am? ;)

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ARIES: Everything is the end of the(ir) world. Okay, I’m done with sex time, so you should be too.

TAURUS: Love food. Hate change. That should be their slogan. Also, sneaky motherfuckers. Nice on the outside. Brazen on the inside.

GEMINI: chill. Also wants to see the world burn.

CANCER: A pre-schooler. Excessive amounts of glitter. Everywhere. Always craves the center attention because they hope to attain love, and will kiss ass if needed to do so.

LEO: acts like they’re the shit. Actually depressed af and hate everyone. Tend to play the victim, and piss everyone off as they do so.

VIRGO: Can’t figure out the other signs, or anything about astrology at all for that matter. Laid back, especially as an earth sign. Probably the most goddamn balanced sign who has all their shit together that you’ll ever meet.

LIBRA: *everything* is their soulmate. In fact, is there anything that isn’t? *rolls eyes* Also, fickle af. So much for that soulmate, but hey, here’s another one! All the other signs silently go tsk tsk as the libra expects a life long passionate love story, yet they can’t manage to tack down a stable friendship. Hmm

SCORPIO: clingy af. Has to be the best at everything, so to be the best at love and friendship, MUST POSSESS YOUR SOUL. However, it’s almost impossible to intimidate a Scorpio. Rather you have to just piss them off by being nonchalant, i.e. a Gemini.

SAGITTARIUS: come off as cool and confident but actually codependent and don’t know what they really want. Actually, all of the fire signs are just depressed.

CAPRICORN: has to make plans for plans in case those go wrong. Sassy on the outside, but the moodiest of the earth signs, always filled with self doubt

AQUARIUS: a natural philosopher, boldly goes against the flow. Doubts themself too much though, which is a pity, as they’re a top notch sign

PISCES: all the other signs think they’re stuck in their dreamland and can’t make a decision, but no wonder they stay in la la land. Otherwise they’re stuck with all of you 😂 Also, almost too psychic, to the point of wishing they weren’t right about the horrible things they predict. Lastly, the sign most in tune with themselves, so everyone else thinks they’re moody and depressed, but really, actually the most fulfilled and at peace ✌️

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