12 People You Meet In Every Wetherspoon’s
Hen dos. Hen dos as far as the eye can see.
1. An awkward group of work colleagues who are forced to be there.
2. A couple on a first date who can't really hear what each other is saying.
Spoon's in the evening is a bit too loud for a first date so this couple will spend most of their time slightly mishearing what the other person is saying. They will leave the date with no more knowledge of the person than they had when they arrived, apart from what they like to drink. But they are in Britain, so this will be enough to guarantee a second date.
3. People who have decided to bring a baby with them on a night out.
4. A group of sixth-formers who’ve just turned 18 and don't understand how pubs work.
Finally old enough to get into pubs, they rush to the nearest Spoon's, green licences in hand, and stress about what drink looks cool. For this reason some of them will be drinking fishbowls while others will be pretending to enjoy the Guinness they just panic-ordered. They don't understand the concept of rounds and crowd the bar ordering their drinks one at a time.
5. A hen do of women who don't really like each other that much.
6. A stag do made up of men who all seem to be called Gary.
As loud as the hen do but competitively necking pints of lager instead of delicious, delicious cocktails. They will all be wearing jeans with shiny loafers and their "party shirts" and smell very strongly of aftershave. They are the reason that the Wetherspoon's website has a section that says "customers are requested to remain fully clothed throughout their visit". At least one member of the party will be manhandled out the door by the bouncer.
7. An elderly couple who seem completely unaware of the utter chaos developing around them.
In between all the rowdiness there's always a friendly-looking elderly couple sitting down trying to have a nice quiet dinner. They've been coming here every week since before it was a Spoon's and are on first name terms with all of the staff. They know a good bargain when they see one, and even being surrounded by obnoxious loud drunks won't stop them from enjoying their Steak Club meals.
8. A group of students who are amazingly rich enough to pre-drink outside of their uni halls.
You can tell who they are because they're probably playing some ridiculous shouty drinking game where you have to down eight pints every time you use a word with two vowels in it. All of them will be wearing leavers hoodies with borderline offensive nicknames on the back. You spend the duration of your Wetherspoon's visit complaining about how they're all massive twats, while being secretly jealous of their youthful enthusiasm.
9. Old dudes who seem to have been in there forever.
10. A group of really posh red trouser dudes who have decided to come to a Wetherspoon's "for banter".
They crowd around the bar non-ironically calling each other bro and braying loudly about whatever important profession they're in. They're the only people in the world who actually order champagne at Wetherspoon's and do so in a way that means everyone else in the place can definitely hear. The dudes who've been there forever look down on them all. Why are these dickheads even here? Can't they just fuck off to an All Bar One or something?
11. A couple who've been together for too long and are trying not to publicly argue on their date night.
Obviously you're not like any of these people. You can handle your drink. You're not being loud and obnoxious. You're cool.