If “Bridget Jones’s Diary” Had Been Set In 2015
It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going OK, another falls spectacularly to pieces.
1. At the age of 32 she definitely wouldn't have her own flat.
2. On a PA's salary.
3. Especially not in London Bridge.
4. Average rent round there? Literally a million pounds.
5. She'd probably be living in a flatshare in Bow.
6. With some uni mates.
7. Or an ex-colleague.
8. All of Bridget's married friends would live in Walthamstow.
9. And all her friends with kids would have packed up off to Watford.
10. Bridget and her single friends would spend their evenings in Spoon's.
11. Or All Bar One if they were feeling fancy.
12. And queuing to get into Stoke Newington pop-ups.
13. There'd be no smoking indoors.
14. So they'd all have taken up vaping. For a week.
15. And then gone back to fags.
16. Mark Darcy wouldn't leave mysterious voicemails.
17. Because Bridget wouldn't have a landline.
18. Instead she'd stress about "seen" notifications on WhatsApp.
19. And vague Facebook chat messages.
20. She'd never have answered the phone to her mum with that "wanton sex goddess" line.
21. Because everyone has caller ID.
22. She might have accidentally sent him an inappropriate selfie though.
23. Bridge and friends wouldn't be watching the VHS of Pride and Prejudice to look for that wet shirt scene.
24. Because Bridget wouldn't have a TV.
25. Instead they'd be watching Magic Mike clips on her laptop.
26. They'd still be obsessed with Colin Firth though.
27. He's still got it.
28. Rather than drunk dancing to Chaka Khan, Bridge would be all about Beyoncé.
29. But still drinking vodka obviously.
30. Instead of writing in a diary, Bridget would tweet all her inane thoughts.
31. And get excited when the favs start rolling in.
32. She'd record all her calories in My Fitness Pal.
33. Which she'd definitely delete after getting to 5,000 one day.
34. Because calorie-counting is THE WORST.
35. She'd probably have tried to go paleo/do the 5:2.
36. But given up after a week because chips.
37. Shazza and Jude would have toyed with CrossFit and Bikram yoga.
38. And ultimately given up in favour of a ludicrously expensive gym membership.
39. Bridget would have reported Daniel Cleaver to HR.
40. As soon as he'd sent those skirt messages.
41. And he'd probably have got fired.
42. Because that kind of office behaviour DOES NOT FLY in 2015.
43. Bridget would probably have dumped Daniel after he started sending one of her friends inappropriate DMs.
44. She'd never have quit her job with that "Saddam Hussein's arse" line.
45. Because everyone in the office would have tweeted about it.
46. And she'd never have got another job again.
47. Someone would have Vined her accidentally flashing her bum on TV.
48. The clip would have gone viral and probably been written about in the Metro.
49. Everyone would be downloading mindfulness apps instead of reading self-help books.
50. And would get obsessed with meditation for a few weeks.
51. Tom would definitely be on Grindr.
52. Instead of being set up by her mother, Bridget would go on a lot of awkward Tinder dates.
53. With weird dudes who work "in the City".
54. One would definitely end in a sloppy kiss in a Pizza Express.
55. Bridget would eventually delete Tinder after a few weeks of "Sit on my face?" messages.
56. Bridget would still try to host a dinner party for her friends.
57. But with a recipe from Hemsley & Hemsley.
58. She'd ultimately get so annoyed with the spiraliser that she chucks it in the bin.
59. There's no way Bridget would do her food shopping in Borough Market.
60. Because £££££.
61. Basically £8 for a tomato.
62. Instead she'd do the standard panicky Tesco Express rush two hours before the guests arrived.
63. And the entire thing would still go terribly.
64. She'd never have worn that bunny costume.
65. Because everyone would boycott the tarts and vicars party for being unfeminist.
66. But Bridget would definitely still wear those massive pants.
67. Pants can never be too big.