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32 Thoughts You Have When You’re Trapped In A Dress

My tombstone “RIP: She thought it was a size 12, but it was a 10”

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1. Ahh the clothing store fitting room. The floodlit sauna from hell where dreams go to die.

2. Why are all fitting rooms lit like football stadiums? I literally never spend any time on football pitches, this makes absolutely no sense in a shop selling vaguely see-thru women’s clothes.

3. This would be so much less stressful if I couldn’t see myself from every angle. I’m honestly surprised they don’t put a mirror on the floor and ceiling so you can REALLY see what you look like.

4. I see there's a used plaster on the floor in the corner. No fitting room is complete without one. It’s kind of comforting really.

5. Hmm this dress is pretty tight, must have picked up the wrong size.

6. Now don’t panic, it should be pretty easy to get this off if I can just get it over my head.

7. Wow that one free trial yoga class I did last year was a complete waste of time, I can barely reach my own back.

8. Oh shit. Yeh that zip is definitely stuck.

9. Maybe I can pull it down over my thighs?

10. So glad this curtain only covers 80% of the doorway.

11. At least now I can awkwardly make eye contact with all the fitting room widows/widowers sitting on the special “I have been abandoned by my partner” sofa while I struggle.

12. Glad there’s a tiny leather stool of shame in here. I guess I can sit on that and have a breakdown, that’s the only reason they put them in fitting rooms.

13. Well, looks like I can’t actually bend down in this dress, guess I’ll just stand while I suffer.

14. Wow I’m sweating a lot. WHY ARE THESE PLACES ALWAYS SO HOT?

15. Maybe I can message a friend for help? Oh no wait, of course there’s no signal, all fitting rooms are black holes for phone signal and positive thoughts.

16. This is it. This is how I die.

17. My mother will give a tearful eulogy at my funeral, “She died as she lived, trapped in a dress in Topshop”.

18. My tombstone will read “RIP: She thought it was a size 12, but it was a 10”.

19. Maybe this fitting room will become a shrine to me and people will leave bunches of carnations and printouts of my best Instagram selfies outside the curtain?

20. Strangers will hold a vigil on the shop floor with those IKEA electric candles.

21. At least the story would definitely be on the front page of The Metro.

22. I wonder which picture they’d use? Hopefully a good one. Not that one where I looked really sweaty on that wedding dance floor.

23. Maybe I can try and wriggle my way out of this?

24. Wow I am grunting like a tennis player.

25. “Is everything OK in there?” the shop assistants know what’s happening. They know.

26. They’re probably standing outside whispering. This never happens to them.

27. FINE THANKS EVERYTHING IS FINE I JUST LIVE HERE NOW.

28. I could definitely live in here, it wouldn’t be that bad. It’s probably warmer than my house actually.

29. I could use the shop’s free wifi and just work from here. I’d definitely get to meet lots of new people.

30. People could come and visit me, I'd probably become a local celebrity.

31. That’s it, I’m going to have to ask for help, if I just gently step outside...

32. Oh shit, that’s the sound of fabric tearing.