Hello, friends. I am a mere mortal and this is desi satire king of the moment (and of my heart), Hasan Minhaj.
He's been around for the past three years as a The Daily Show correspondent and the voice of my own mind.
Earlier this year, my crush on him intensified when he nailed it as host of a historically ridiculous White House Correspondents Dinner.
And now, after three viewings of his Netflix special Homecoming King, I am officially a disciple. I am a follower. I am a woman at his feet begging him to demolish me with his insightful observations and nuanced punchlines.
*cue sad music*
However, there is some bad news for my crush. I KNOW he is married to a wonderful woman named Beena.
It's physically painful to watch them be adorable together.
Just when I thought he couldn't be any more perfect, the internet did my heart no favour by unearthing a video from his wedding in 2015.
Yes, that IS my prince casually dancing to "Saajanji Ghar Aaye" as if it's not been my dream to have my own groom do that for me since I was six years old.
These are pictures my editor took of me when I had just discovered the video:
Yes, ladies. The perfect man does exist. And he is married to Beena.
STOP IT, HASAN. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME?