back to top

Excuse Me, Schools: Why The Hell Is March-Past Still A Thing?

Educators – I'm sure there was a better use of A THOUSAND HOURS of my formative years than THIS shit.

Posted on

Ah, school. A paradise of curiosity, learning, and socialisation. A beautiful journey. A cherished memory.

Biju Boro / AFP / Getty Images

But I am not here to spark feelings of nostalgia. I am here to ask a question that has plagued me for years.

Siphotography / Getty Images

Namely: WHY THE FUCK WAS MARCH-PAST A THING?

Dibyangshu Sarkar / AFP / Getty Images

HOW WAS IT OKAY TO MAKE CHILDREN WALK BACK AND FORTH TO BEATING DRUMS IN THE SCORCHING HEAT?

Not to mention the MANY times you had to wait longer in the heat because someone fainted during practice.
sharadamandir.edu.in

Not to mention the MANY times you had to wait longer in the heat because someone fainted during practice.

This is a widespread rage. I'm not alone in having felt it. You know you did too.

And fair enough. Because we spent A LOT of time doing it. A SHIT-TON, as they say. Let me substantiate my claim with some math.

No. of hours spent practising marching around your school:

• Four months per year = 80 working days.

• One hour per day x 80 = 80 hours per year.

• 80 hours x 12 years = 960 hours.

NINE HUNDRED AND SIXTY HOURS. OF A CHILD'S FORMATIVE YEARS. SPENT LIFTING ONE LEG AFTER THE OTHER. GOOD GOD.

Was it to instil a sense of discipline?

UM. You already taught us that by making us show up to school at 8 a.m. every day wearing a frickin' uniform. Is there need for MORE order within that Mecca of orderliness?
youtube.com

UM. You already taught us that by making us show up to school at 8 a.m. every day wearing a frickin' uniform. Is there need for MORE order within that Mecca of orderliness?

Was it to help us master walking? Well, one SMALL problem with that theory:

Was it to teach us, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the difference between left and right???

Trust me, there are less torture-based methods to do so.
dominie.com.au

Trust me, there are less torture-based methods to do so.

Was it to teach us flag-holding? Or to make us unbeatably resilient to harmful sun-rays? WHAT WAS IT FOR?

Why have I been so well-trained in saluting on command? WHEN IN MY ADULT LIFE DO I NEED THE FULLY DEVELOPED REFLEX OF LOOKING RIGHT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "EYES RIGHT"?

I am angry just thinking about it.
diyaschool.com

I am angry just thinking about it.

While some could be fooled to think this was important to school life, let's call it what it really was:

To conclude: Hey schools, use those 960 hours to teach kids how to do their taxes. Teach them emotional stability. Teach basic life hacks. STOP THIS LIMB-LIFTING BOOTCAMP NONSENSE.

Thank you for your time. [Does deep-breathing for 960 hours to recover from this rage.]