Unless you’ve been living under a rock or are too busy deciphering Dark Season 3, you might have heard about Indian Matchmaking and its star, Sima Taparia from Mumbai.
The now-world-famous matchmaker zooms across continents, setting people up in what is a nightmare for Indian kids, and an eight-episode documentary series about everything that is downright awful about Indian culture.
While everyone has discussed the various issues with the way we arrange marriages in India, one of the pillars in this ridiculously-flawed system has been the ‘biodata’. In other words, it is a laundry list of preferences that each prospective married person comes up with, to find a partner they want.
While at the outset, these seem like a perfectly normal and rather reasonable set of requirements, there’s always more to the preferences than meets the eye.
So let’s find out what these people say versus what they mean.
Aparna
Aparna, a lawyer is - in Sima aunty’s words - “very stubborn” and "negative". Well, she must be because she happens to know EXACTLY what she wants.
He shouldn’t be funny: Yeah, don’t try too hard man.
He should know Bolivia has salt flats: Yes! It would help to have him know where we’re travelling.
No lawyers: I mean...who wants to talk shop all the time?
Shouldn’t want the same things: Have you heard of opposites attract, Sima aunty?
This makes complete sense to anyone who isn’t Sima aunty tbh.
Pradhyuman
Pradhyuman is a man of many talents - covering makhana in dry ice and designing outfits for murtis in his house - but of very simple needs.
In a relationship, he only seeks to give his massive house and all his money. In return, he only asks for a gorgeous model who is ready to do the emotional labour of growth and adjusting to his family’s needs, while he takes her out on his double dates just to say, “Isn’t she the best?”
Simple, RIGHT?
Writing this has exhausted me. God bless his future spouse.
Nadia
Nadia, Nadia, Nadia. The woman of my dreams. Entrepreneur extraordinaire. Graceful dancing doe. And yet, the expectation comes down to just being…a good person.
I mean the bar is so underground that accessing the seventh circle of hell looks daunting.
Akshay
Okay, I want to first acknowledge the show and its makers for being aware that Akshay’s wife would be marrying Preeti, and not Akshay.
Akshay’s preference:
I love my mummy, my superhero.
Preeti’s preferences:
Flexible: Bend to my will.
5’3” or taller: Because god forbid this woman look anything less than statuesque. However, she should absolutely not be taller than Akshay, haan! She can’t dominate her husband. How dare she?
Family oriented: Become a child-producing rabbit.
Cultured: PREETI, SHE IS A WOMAN. NOT DAHI.
Indian Matchmaking remains as toxic as it has always been. And we will never improve. Now that my mother has seen this show, I really hope that I don’t have to ever get married after realising that the horror of the arranged marriage market has only made me a commodity.