On December 25th, 2015, my parents, my brothers and I went to our country house in St. Hippolyte. My grandparents have a house there that we’ve all been going to our entire lives. It was my favourite place as a kid, it was my escape. I would run up and down the stairs, was chased in and out of rooms by my brothers and finally enjoyed meals in our large kitchen. I always had fun with whoever was there. In the winter, the house would be covered in snow, like a cozy white blanket comforting a baby. That night, the moon had just risen into the December sky. My family and I walked into the kitchen before heading to our rooms to gather and prepare everything for the next day. I still smelled the aroma of our recently finished Friday night dinner. I was still able to taste the delicious schnitzel and mashed potatoes that I ate. I gazed out the giant kitchen window on the cold December night. No cloud cluttered the pitch black sky. I looked up at the stars and the great white light to find an answer, to find help. The stars were shining brighter than the lights in New York City. The moon seemed like it spoke to me. I heard it tell me to do it, make the move. I decided that it was finally time to tell them, at least my parents. “Mommy, Abba, can I talk to you, when we get to the rooms?”
“Sure. Is everything okay?” My dad questioned.
“Yeah, yeah. I just need to talk to you.” I replied.
“Alright.” Said my mom.
My heart began to beat faster and louder by the second. My whole body turned to ice, frightened to tell them the truth. I felt a bowling ball in my stomach. I felt like my breath was escaping my lungs. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, it was time to tell them. We all grabbed our bags and started walking to our rooms. In those few moments of walking, I was thinking all about my family, how life would change.
My parents were born in the 70s where life was different. People had different thoughts than what we have today. They joked around about modern sensitive ideas and thought nothing else about them. My dad especially, he’s changed the most. My mom has always been more open. Today, my dad always tells me how much he has changed and learned from my two brothers and me.
We got to our rooms and I put my bags down on my bed. I walked into my parents’ room with my palms sweating and heart pulsing.
“Can you come to my room please Abba?”
“Yeah, sure.” He replied
I walked out of the room, closed my eyes and I felt a tear flow down my face. I took a second to reconsider, maybe not to say anything. I decided not to turn back, to tell them. This is something that I had to do.
I turned down the hall and walked towards my bedroom. My room had two beds in it with walls covered in pastel lime green paint. Walking into the room, I felt the rough, beige carpet tickling the bottom of my feet. I walked towards my bed, sat down on it and crossed my legs. I was able to feel the blood rushing through each part of my body. I heard every cricket chirp, every floorboard creek and the water dripping from the bathroom faucet. Once again, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and sat there, frozen in time.
I heard two knocks on my wood door and my eyes shot open. My dad walked into my room, looked at me and sat down on the second bed. The creek of the bed was ringing in my head for a full minute before I finally said something. “Abba, I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?” I sat there, silent, motionless. My heart was thumping against my chest and my stomach dropped. I felt as if I were falling, falling off a fifty story building. “Noah, please talk to me. What’s on your mind?”
My head dropped down. A tear formed in my eye, rolled down my face, passed my lips and dripped onto the bed. I tasted the saltiness of my tears gliding down my tongue.
“I-I can’t. It’s just. I don’t know.”
“You can tell me anything.”
“I don't know how to say it.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling.”
“But it’s so hard.” I cried. Rivers poured down my face uncontrollably creating pools of water on my bed comforter. My hands turned cold and my eyes shut. “I’m bi.” I murmured under my voice.
“I can’t hear you.” My dad exclaimed.
“I don’t understand what you mean.” I could not bring myself to continue. I felt a fist punching me in the gut, ripping out my stomach.
“I don’t know. I just, I… I don’t know what I am but I know I like guys.” I faltered. That is how I labeled myself. I didn’t know how to say it but that’s the term I used.
“Noah, I know. Please, stop crying.” He begged. My heart was shouting in pain. I could not believe what I had just done. “You need to tell Mommy.” I shook my head vigorously but he insisted. I did not feel ready. I had just taken a huge step but I could not bear to do it again. My dad got up, walked to the door frame and called my mom. “Cheryl, please come here.”
“Alright, I’m coming.” She replied. I heard the floor creak as my mom came closer to my bedroom. As she came closer, my tears dropped quicker. “Noah, are you alright? David why is he crying like that.”
“Just sit down, listen to him.” He explained
“Alright. Talk to me Noah.” She said, joining my dad on the parallel bed.
“Mommy, I can’t. I can’t! I can’t do this.”
“Noah, you need to explain to her what is going on. It’s not fair to her. She already knows, you just need to say it.”
“Take a deep breath Noah, breath.” My mom implored, standing up to join me on my bed. She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on mine. “I’m here to listen to you. I’m here for you.” She whispered to me. I took a sharp, deep breath and tried to hold back my tears. I was able to murmur two words.
“I’m bi.” My mom squeezed me in her arms and I felt a tear drip down her face, onto my cheek. My dad stood up, came next to me and embraced me. I felt the warmth of their body heat and I was able to smell the fragrance of their perfume and cologne. My eyes closed shut, saw the dark night sky. I saw the large moon and the bright stars in the sky. I managed to mumble two words out of my trembling mouth. “Thank you.” I knew that both of them will be there for me, always.