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How To Poop In A Stranger's House

A lady/gentleman in the streets and a ninja in the bathroom.

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Step 1:

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Before leaving your own home for the night, be sure to stuff your pockets or purse with a small spray bottle of perfume or cologne, a pack of tissues, a matchbook, and Poo Pourri, if you have it, and can carry it discreetly. These may come in handy later.

Step 2:

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Upon entering someone’s home for the first time, you may be given a tour. If you’re not offered one, ask for it. This is your chance to scope out the lavatory situation; choose one that’s a bit out of the way, like off a guest bedroom.

Step 4:

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Check out the toilet paper situation. If the roll is empty, look under the sink for a new one. If there is none to be found, this is where your pack of tissues comes in handy. (Note to Hosts: Please don’t let this happen.)

Step 5:

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Before sitting down to do your business, float strips of toilet paper (or tissues, if you must) on the surface of the water. This critical step muffles embarrassing splashing noises, minimizes splash-back, and virtually eliminates skid marks.

Step 9:

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Flush immediately upon impact, also known as a “mercy flush,” to minimize odor. Anyone within earshot will be onto you, but it’s so much better than the alternative.

If you really went too H.A.M. on the tacos at dinner, repeat steps 8 and 9.

Step 11:

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Take out your matchbook and light a match, letting it burn for a few seconds before extinguishing the flame and tossing it in the trash. (Do NOT toss it in the toilet: multiple flushes are so not ninja-like.)

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