sleepdream
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    • sleepdream

      Makes me feel all the feels but also makes me feel defiant and empowered all at the same time. They were just was not worth all the heartache. But I still have lots of life and love ahead of me. :-)

    • sleepdream

      I was forced to take medication for my depression when I was 16 and self harming but then it took 3 ish years of asking for help ie therapy, psychologist or psychiatrist. I finally found some counselling through uni which was a 6 week course of half hour appointments. Had to drop out of uni due to my depression. Told because I was smoking weed for my anxiety I was not allowed to gain any help from the local department of psychology. Was pushed into the only counselling available to me that was substance abuse. I went just because I wasn’t coping at all with life. Attended all the 12 week 20min appointments. Then when finished that I passed back to the doctor for a change of medication.
      No help just medication. 2 years later after continued changes of medication and no available counselling. I thought I would try the uni thing again because it went so well before lol Moved to Kingston and with another medication change was passed to a mental heath authority. I had a case worker who visited me for welfare checks and help with my various applications for housing benefit and things like that. Still no actual therapy involved.I did however get to see a TRAINEE psychologist for 7 weeks. He was using me as an educational tool but it was the only help offered at the time so I took it.
      Again uni was a washout and compounded my problems. So I again dropped out. This meant that I had to change doctors this coincided with the mental health authority saying they had to discharge me from their service because I was NOT BAD ENOUGH to be seen any more. So off to the new doctor and explain the same shit to yet another person who says I have to go to a addictions centre because the only thing that could take the edge off my spiralling depression was weed. I couldn’t sleep, eat or function and weed kind of turned the volume level down on it all for a while. I had 12 weeks of one hour long one on one help. After that I was sent to group therapy. I was put in a group with heroin and crack addicts and was told off for not coming regularly because all I did was toke on some weed and was totally freaked out by the others in the group. I felt like a fraud saying I smoke weed switched between a crack and heroin addict .
      The only option left was to self refer to a woman’s charity that would offer free counselling as I was on ALL the benefits at that time. Spent a year of talking therapy there before having to admit defeat and retreat home to Hampshire. When I got home I had to start all over again with the doctor and referrals and benefits and I was at my lowest but according to all the mental health professionals I spoke to I was NOT BAD ENOUGH because I was not attempting or have never attempted suicide.
      I have spent the past 4 1/2 to 5 years signed off work with crippling depression and anxiety and have been to and signed up to all types of help that has been offered and nothing has worked. There is no place for me in the mental heath system as I am NOT BAD ENOUGH to be offered any long term psychological help. I’ve never had an official diagnosis as to what is wrong with me. I have had more medication combinations than I can remember and still to this day take three types of high dose antidepressants each day with no regular supervision except when my repeat prescriptions run out. I have been on this round of meds for a while now and I am just numb I don’t feel anything.
      I am nothing if not persistent. When I see any new mental health professional I have to tell my story over and over again and they joke every time about my persistence but I break inside a little every time they do. They then apologise that they can help me because i’m NOT BAD ENOUGH. It takes all the strength in the world to not attempt to take my life because at least then I am guaranteed help.
      I never pictured my life to be like this. To be collecting benefits for over 4 years because of a mental health issue I can not seem to find any help. It always boils down to WE DON’T HAVE THE FUNDING for people like you or YOU ARE JUST NOT BAD ENOUGH.
      That’s not the whole story but I cant type any more because I cant stop crying. This is not a life I lead its an existence punctuated by medication.  If you do publish any of my ramblings please don’t use my name. I know know people can see it here but I’m petrified someone I know will see it if its in bold under a quote.

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