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We Taste Tested A Bunch Of Lube, So You Don't Have To

To boldly go and taste the flavors that few have tasted before.

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LOGISTICS:

Seven highly qualified volunteers (lube experts) willing to lay their own lives on the line to blindly taste five different flavored lubricants and rank them on the following qualities:

• Taste

• Smell

• Texture

• Usability

The volunteers also tried — and failed — to guess the flavor of each Babeland Body lube. Let's take a peek at the results, shall we?

Matt O: "Nice fluidity to it...nice legs. It smells fresh, like it would go great on a garden salad." Final Guess: Orange

Julia:"Smells like lemon, tastes like Emergen-C." Final Guess: Lemon

Brett "Vaguely medicine-y. Waiting for it adjust in my mouth, it's not that bad. Doesn't have too much afterburn. Smells orangey... More watery than I expected? it wasn't terrible." Final Guess: Orange

Logan: "It smells familiar, like Dubble Bubble. It's gooier then I thought it would be, I took so much! It's got a really sour aftertaste and it loses the taste quickly."

Final Guess: Bubble gum

Conz:: "Smells like soap. It tastes like soap." Final Guess: Tutti Frutti

Matt F.: "Smells like an office or something? Wouldn't want to have sex with that going on. Oh, it tastes like pure silicone...better than spit." Final Guess: Cherry

Jarry: "I recognize the flavor. Smells like cinnamon, kind of? Tastes like a really bad apple and cinnamon. Not a fan of it." Final Guess: Cinnamon

5/7 would use IRL

Average score: 2.57 out of 5

Brett:"It smells like grape. It's like the standard, old reliable." Final Guess: Grape

Matt O: "It smells like silicone, like sex toys. This would go on a dildo. I can barely taste it, this weak orange or apple." Final Guess: Orange

Julia:"Getting some passion fruit here. It has a nice watery, light feeling." Final Guess: Passion Fruit

Matt F:"This one smells good! Smells like cherry. It does not taste like cherry. It does not taste good." Final Guess: Cherry

Logan: "Smells pleasant, like sour apple!" Final Guess: Apple

Jarry: "What is this abstract melon flavor? Smells like strawberry, does not taste like strawberry." Final Guess: Melon

Conz:"I like this one. Tastes like strawberry." Final Guess: Strawberry

6/7 would use IRL

Average score: 3.42 out of 5

Brett: "Smells like gingerbread, a little christmas-y. Doesn't taste like gingerbread. When you burn your tongue — it's like that." [swigs water]. Final Guess: Gingerbread

Matt O:: "I've seen worse lubes, colorwise. Its jelly-ish. It feels like it might dry up fast? [Tastes] warm, like a vanilla. — like a vanilla-scented candle. I've tasted better cum than that." Final Guess: Vanilla

Julia: "Ew...coffee? ice cream? it smells like coffee ice cream or it's trying to be coffee ice cream... but what it actually tastes like is diet yogurt...key lime...coffee...that you don't want to eat. I would not use it."

Final Guess: Coffee Ice Cream

Matt F: "It smells like like some kind of spice or chocolate, maybe? Oh god it's cloudy. Oh god, it's thick. This tastes worse than the first one."

Final Guess: Chocolate

Jarry: "This tastes like starch that went to hell? Oh my god it smells so bad. This smells like those Chinese medicine balls that I was force-fed as a child. Feels like hell."

Final Guess: Vanilla

Conz: "Smells like chocolate, it's thicker. I"m allergic to chocolate. Gross. Oh my god. It tastes horrible, it tastes like flavorless Jell-O that hasn't been done."

Final Guess: Cookie

Logan: "Smells wintery? It smells nice, it's like a good candle. Warm vanilla. Brown sugar maybe? Oh no that [tastes] really bad. That is not at what I thought it was going to taste like. I don't know what it taste like, it tastes more like lube than anything. That is a weird aftertaste. It stays with you." Final Guess: Chocolate

Average score: .78 out of 5

0/7 would use IRL

Brett: "I can't see the bottom... It looks like the real thing. Doesn't smell terrible. It's definitely in the Christmas canon. That one [tastes] OK. Has the most hang time out of all of them. It feels like something scratched my tongue? There's a fuzziness on my tongue now." Final Guess: Banana

Julia: "It smells like a Jelly Belly/jelly bean flavored chocolate pudding. I mean what the fuck is that? It has a fake chocolate taste? Stop trying lube, just stop."

Final Guess: Lube masquerading as chocolate

Matt O: "Smells like an air freshener that you hang in your car. This is actually a lot thicker than cum — this would be good for sex toy feel and I think it would be long-lasting. [Its taste is] not as bad as number three, and it goes down really smooth. It's an acquired taste. [gags] I take everything back." Final Guess: Chocolate

Logan: "Not as strong of a smell. Like a mixed drink maybe? Oh OK, that's pretty good." Final Guess: Strawberry

Jarry: "It's supposed to be chocolate but it's clearly not." Final Guess: Chocolate

Conz: "It tastes sweet. I don't know what it tastes like it's horrible."

Final Guess: unidentifiable

Matt F: "These all look like cum. Oh wait, okay this one smells like butterscotch... or maybe THIS one is supposed to be chocolate? Definitely sweet."

Final Guess: Chocolate

Average score: 1.93 out of 5

1/7 would use IRL

Brett: " I don't know if that one's the worst one. I'm scarred from the last one."

Final Guess: Mint

Matt O: "Sort of the consistency of what insects get fossilized in. It's not even moving! I don't know how you would jack off to this. This [tastes] like bubblegum or spearmint. I feel like I would have sex with a dentist with this. Sexy dentist vibes."

Final Guess: Spearmint

Julia: "Not bad! Would eat this. Would eat it off a dick! It's a rave — smells like Listerine...smells like mouthwash. Tastes like wintergreen, so I'm kinda into it? I think it's the best one so far." Final Guess: Mint

Logan:. "Smells like a spearmint. wintergreen, I don't know the difference between those smells. It's like a bland wintergreen gum that you've been chewing for way too long, so it's losing its flavor." Final Guess: Wintergreen

Jarry: "Is this supposed to be mint? Tastes like mint, smells like mint."

Final Guess: Mint

Conz: "Mint!! It smells like mint. It tastes horrible. It tastes like mint. It's mint."

FInal Guess: Mint

Matt F: "This smells like Red Hots or cinnamon. Oh my god, that's bad. Supposed to be Red Hots but actually it's just Satan's tears." Final Guess: Cinnamon/ Satan's tears

Average score: 2.07 out of 5

3/7 would use IRL

  1. Would you try these flavors?

    Um, yes! Lube it up.
    Um, no, I'll pass.
    I would try them. You only live once.

We Taste Tested A Bunch Of Lube, So You Don't Have To

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Would you try these flavors?
  1.  
    vote votes
    Um, yes! Lube it up.
  2.  
    vote votes
    Um, no, I'll pass.
  3.  
    vote votes
    I would try them. You only live once.

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