It's that worn out, tired question directed at queer couples the world over: How do you guys do it? Frankly, it's probably a topic we could discuss more among ourselves, too — especially since we could pick up some pointers.
Does "sex" exclusively mean penetration? What's the defining act, if there is one? In search of answers, BuzzFeed anonymously surveyed gay, bi, and trans women asking them to honestly and openly describe their last sexual encounter — however they define it.
Here's what they told us:
"My girlfriend and I bought a strap on to use for the first time and she insisted she use it on me first. We spent over two hours trying to figure out how 'straight sex' works and then just gave up and used it as a dildo. At one point we got so defeated that she just laid on top of me and wiggled around; that was the farthest we got."
"My fiancee and I were celebrating our third anniversary as a couple. We'd had a very good date night at a nice little local restaurant. We got home and things were getting pretty heavy and we proceeded up to the bedroom. I was doing my thing, just the way she likes it, when she suddenly tells me to stop and that she's not feeling it. I say OK and I try to ask her what's wrong. This has been an ongoing problem with her and her almost nonexistent sex drive. She doesn't have any answers so I just cuddle up next to her and try to go to sleep, frustrated. We're working on it.
"I thought shower sex would be good, clean fun. It turned out to be closer to getting waterboarded."
"It was a week night and I was over at my girlfriend's place. We were just watching TV and she was scratching my back while I was laying on the floor, naked. She starts teasing my inner thighs, just brushing my crotch. She fingered me, making me cum a couple of times. It was really hot to be facedown on the floor while she got me off. So you know, just a normal weeknight."
"Terrible, she squirted all over my bed. Then she laid in her own urine until I couldn't take it anymore and bleached my bed."
"Been dating this girl for a couple of months now, heading in a direction which I hope is serious. I've never laughed so much during sex with anyone else before! Not laughing at each other, we just happen to both be hilarious and find humor in everything and it really makes the sex better. She had her period this past weekend but went down on me for like an hour and I hit my head so many times on her headboard that I have a big bruise on my forehead, which we laughed about of course. Then she gave me an adorable handmade card and asked me to be her Valentine. We fell asleep shirtless, totally perfect."
"I had a sort-of threesome with a girl and a guy who picked me up at a club. Mostly, the woman and I performed oral on each other while the guy watched. There was some other stuff, but it was minimal. I did kiss him a little and let him go down on me for a minute. Nobody got off. It was 10am. We were all too drunk and too tired."
"My good friend and I worked in separate departments for the same company. We're both queer women and have discussed our sex and romantic lives on multiple occasions. A few months ago, after a particularly stressful week for us both, she texted me to say that was I ever interested in a super casual hookup, she was available. I was so exhausted from the week that I took it as a joke until I was kissing her in my car a few nights later. We ended up having really friendly sex a couple of times. We would laugh and joke the whole way through. In a weird way it was the most platonic ways to orgasm with another person. But it was a great stress relief and we communicated clearly that there were no romantic feelings involved. Best of all, we're still good friends."
"My friend was having a 20th birthday party and it started out with a changing cast of about 12 people. As the night went on it ended up with 8 of us, all queer except one, all vagina-havers (many of us were non-binary, though). Despite us all already being solidly drunk we thought it be a great idea to play kings cup. We played for about thirty minutes before someone put on some amazing music and we all started dancing, which at some point ended up in taking clothes off, which ended up with me making out with a friend on a balcony in the rain, which ended up with another friend joining us, which ended up in everyone else noticing and wanting in, which ended up with us all on our one friend's big bed in a mess of limbs.
Everyone kept checking if everyone was cool with it (our one straight friend decided to see if she'd be into it and dipped out quickly) and the whole thing was surprisingly not awkward. It went on for a couple ridiculous hours and I am fully aware of how much this sounds like some ridiculous porno but I swear on the collective scripts of every season of The L Word it was real life."
21/Bisexual & Non-Binary
"My ex and I dry humped for the last time. I don't think she came....But I did."
"My girlfriend and I were eating lunch with some of my coworkers and we decided to finish early and go have a quickie in my apartment. Since I was wearing a dress, we didn't take off much clothing. She put her fingers in me and I playfully slapped her hand away and made her watch me masturbate for awhile. She wanted to be part of the action so she got on top of me and put her fingers inside of me again while I rubbed my clit. Then randomly I got the giggles (I think I said something silly?) and she recalled a childhood nickname and we laughed so hard we cried. We cuddled for a bit then went back at it again. After cumming once, I knew I had another one in me so I had her finger me from behind. After that, we washed up and she touched herself a little bit. I got to lick her fingers clean (one of my favorite things!). We didn't have time for much else, so we fixed our hair and clothes. I love that we can be goofy during sex but that it doesn't ruin the mood!"
"I'd been digging this girl for about two years. Young, beautiful and as it turned out gagging for it. I finally got her into my bed and... realized I didn't fancy her any more. The chemistry had gone. I cuddled her briefly and went to sleep."
"It was my birthday and my girlfriend and I got a hotel. We drank some vodka, ate pizza, and made out in the hot tub for a while until some affronted looking little family came into the pool. After showering together and some foreplay, I dressed up in some new lingerie and she did a lap dance for me. She went down on me and we fingered each other. The next morning we watched The Princess Bride."
"I hadn't seen my girlfriend for two weeks and as soon as I walked through her apartment door she said, 'I want to see your anus.' Romance is alive."
"My now-ex-but-then-girlfriend told me to stay on the bed no matter what, so I did. She used a vibrator for a while, then left it in me and left the room for just a few moments; she came back into the room wearing heels several inches higher than she had ever done before. She thought it would be sexy AF and it was... until she lost balance, doing the arm spin thing you only really see in cartoons. I cracked up laughing, tried to sit up to help her, and ended up switching on the vibrator just as it hit against my g-spot. She just sat on the floor looking at me like 'WTF? You came instead of helping me?!' but I was too exhausted to do anything but give her a thumbs up."
"My last sexual encounter was quite kinky. My wife and I had gone out to eat at our favorite restaurant. I had come prepared and was 'packing.' On our way home we stopped in the park and she sucked my strap on until I came while in her mouth. When we went home I tied her arms and legs to the bed and blindfolded her. I alternately poured hot wax and used ice on her to soothe the burns. I proceeded to take a toy and use it on her, getting her really ready while licking her clit at the same time. Every time she'd get close to an orgasm, I pulled back or I'd stop. Again and again I brought her close until she was panting for me, begging desperately. I finally let her cum and as she was cumming I started fucking her with my strap on. She came countless times until she was limp on the bed. I untied her afterwards and made her lay on her tummy. I rubbed her down with oil to get her to relax because she couldn't stop cumming."
"Usually she would initiate the act of lovemaking with kisses and jokes like 'now I will finally teach you how to do it, so you'll become a proper lesbian' (I recently came out). But this time was different. I put her hands up and behind her head. Kissed her neck and breast and belly. And then I started slowly eating her out. Usually she doesn't want my fingers inside her, but this time she did. We have a fun way of communicating, if she doesn't want to talk, she would pull my ear slightly. That means I should go faster. If she wants me to move in a different way, she would 'paint' the movement on my shoulder. Every time she would teach me something new, but the best part is that we can communicate without any shame in so many ways. And we can always laugh about everything."
"After a few months of being together with my girlfriend, and many people asking about scissoring, we decided to try it. After her kicking me in the eye not once, but THREE TIMES, we gave up."
"After a police raid scare while attending an underground Brooklyn queer space, I took a taxi over to his apartment at 3:00 a.m.. This was the first and last time I had sex since I've been on an affirming hormone regimen. We engaged in oral and anal sex, with me being the penetrated partner. The orgasm from penetrative sex was the most intense I've ever experienced, which I attribute to the complete suppression of testosterone."
NA/Queer Trans Femme
"It was just briefly after my girlfriend and I started having sex. We were both virgins before we got together, so not only were we figuring out how bodies worked in general, we were trying to figure out how we, as two women, we supposed to have sex. We eventually got the jist of it (it involved a lot of fingers and mouths), we decided to try scissoring. It always sounded great to me in theory. Well, imagine two grown humans on a tiny college twin XL bed. Long story short, I ended naked and on the floor after falling off the bed. Scissoring working for some people, but to this day, I can't figure that shit out."
"I was at Hot Rabbit in New York City, it's a regular queer lady dance party. I'd actually been running into her at queer dances parties for a while, and this time she asked me if I wanted to go back to her place. We took a cab back to her place, where things got kind of awkward. She was menstruating, and I had forgotten I was wearing a packer. When she discovered it in my underwear she made some transmisogynist remarks about how she was soooo glad it came off, and I considered just leaving right then. But I didn't, she wound up fisting me and in the morning she made me pancakes. It sounds strange and fantastical. I actually lost my cellphone shortly after, so I lost her number and have resigned myself to being that asshole who never called back. Then again I also learned later she was the ex of a friend of mine's wife (our community is so small, even in a place like NYC), and that she was kinda drama central, so maybe I really dodge a bullet there?"
"My girlfriend and I are both queer/bisexual, but she's definitely had more experiences with women than I have and I am still a little intimidated by it. In my experience, with men it's pretty straightforward and I've never had a problem making them cum, but with women, there's so much more nuance and adjustment (and time) involved. Personally, I prefer being teased on the outside (the more gentle/subtle it is, the more aroused I am), starting from the clit and then slowly moving down towards the opening of the vagina, and finally being penetrated with fingers as I cum. My girlfriend likes being penetrated from the start and VIOLENTLY, might I add! Often, my wrist starts to hurt and I have to switch positions or pause for a moment, but in the meantime it's like the moment passes, so I have to start building it up again and then.. we're back to square one. I still haven't been able to make her cum on my own and that makes me feel insecure sometimes, but she has never made me feel shitty about it (man, it's so nice to fuck a mature adult). We also both enjoy a little power play, she identifies as a switch and I'm mostly submissive, so every once in a while she'd grab me by the throat or spank me, which really gets me going. I'm super excited for us to start incorporating toys, like floggers and riding crops. We use a strap-on (so far only she has used it on me, though I'd like to try it on her soon) and there's always a laugh involved with that. I like that we're able to have fun in between the dirty, passionate stuff."
"My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year now. For our anniversary we went to a B&B for a night and had sex three times with dinner at a nice restaurant in between, and wine in the bathtub. The only toy we've used is a vibrator, and personally, I prefer when we touch each other. We can feel everything so much more you know? I held her hands above her head, and blindfolded her. It was great, and brought teasing to a whole new level."
"This girl had come over once before, we met over the tinder-like app called Her. We're the same age and attend different colleges. She comes into my room, and I ask her about her day and about three minutes into the conversation we start kissing. First I was on top, I used my mouth and my fingers (and combinations) to please her. She got pretty loud, so I gave her a pillow and then covered her mouth with my hand, and as we continued maybe 1-2 hrs into it my suite mate interrupts with a knock on the unlocked door. I shouted, "Don't open the door!" She said, "do you have someone over??" I just responded yes and we continued as if nothing happened. She was on top of me and she pleased me with her mouth and fingers. After a break, we were around 3 hrs into it now, I got on top of her and then we grinded for a while. She left maybe 4-5 hrs after we started. It was definitely a memorable night, and I got plenty of questions the next day."
"I looked at my wife and asked her if she wanted to have sex while we were both randomly browsing the internet. She agreed and to help us get turned on we each read some erotica. Afterward, we headed into our bedroom and she started going down on me. I got close to climax a few times but I couldn't reach it so we switched positions and I started to go down on her instead. I should mention that at this point it was getting pretty close to 5 o'clock and I have night classes which make me have to leave home at 5:30, so after about ten minutes of me eating her out and her not managing to cum we decided to 'be lazy' and got out our magic wand vibrator. She put it between her legs. I straddled her and lowered myself down so that we could hit the right spot. We both came pretty quickly, but I can have multiple orgasms so even after I came she encouraged me to keep going. I ended up squirting for the first time ever which was both strange and a little terrifying for me. Naturally afterward I had to clean up to get to class and she had to clean up as well and wash the sheets since we weren't expecting anything quite like that to happen."
"After a while of just tip-toeing around each other, we finally got into my bed, laid down to watch a movie and my hand slipped into her sweat pants then hers into mine. We never even kissed or looked at each other just fingered each other until I came then we stopped. It was my first time and it was so awkward that we got up and just went for a very quite and awkward walk afterwards."
"One evening my partner and I were at a kink party that involved lots and lots of rope. I was suspended in a scene where my partner and another close friend were topping me and this is something we do once or twice a month. Our play scenes although sensual are not sexual when others are involved. That night was different. I'm pre-op and tuck in panties when we play and the scene was getting intense. Then they both were lightly using a crop on my genitals and it sent me into overdrive and I orgasmed right there in the dungeon multiple times. An incredible scene, but it didn't end for the night. My sexual energy stayed high the whole evening and so was my partners. After the scene we went home and my partner was so horny for my to go down on her and I desperately wanting too. She came multiple times and so did I from just going down on her."
"Being two very femme lesbians our hair happens to be very long. As we started making out, our hair kept going in our mouths and made for a rather awkward time, right before I went down on her, I said 'I swear if I get one more hair in my mouth I'm going to quit.' Guess what? Yeah, her hair somehow managed to get down there and it was the biggest 'cock' block ever — needless to say we spent the rest of the night in silence."
"I had my girlfriend sit on my face and lemme tell ya, it was awkward and I don't see the appeal. She kept losing balance and my tongue wasn't nearly long enough to reach her, so I was craning my neck unbelievably far. We gave up like a minute in and then we just went with the ol' strap on."
"My girlfriend and I braved the frigid New England winter to go see our favorite poet at a book signing. At the very start of the night, we could not wait to get naked in bed together. After the signing, we rushed home to feel that physical connection. Our connection always begins with our tongues. After a kiss or two, I immediately become soaking wet. Once she starts touching my body, I get achy and impatient. On this night she surprised me by touching herself — something that drives me completely wild. As I was arched over her, I looked down to watch her touch herself and me at the same time. Every so often she took my cum and put it on herself. Eventually this became too much to bare and I began to kiss her neck, then breasts, then stomach, and lastly I ended in between her legs where I stayed for a while to taste her. Eventually we made it to the 69 position (which I hadn't yet tried before dating her) — it's fantastic. She came first and after, she went down on me until I came. Then we went inside each other while kneeling on the bed to keep the orgasm going longer. Our sex is always phenomenal. It makes me wonder why anyone would have anything other than lesbian sex."