'Tis The Season (for Annoyances)

Yes, we know your family took an inordinate amount of time out of their schedule to pose for family holiday cards, trying to get their infant to smile and their dog to stop wandering off, but what exactly is the statute of limitations on keeping this holiday card on our refrigerators? A year? Forever? (See also: wedding invitations).

Let’s face it, shopping is already sometimes kind of stressful (finding the perfect pair of jeans, anyone?). So when you add the insanity of loud Christmas music, screaming children, heat from puffy coats and bright lights, and people’s inclination to make commerce a contact sport, it becomes an atrocious experience. Is finding the perfect gift for your Aunt Phyllis really worth all that drama? No, no it is not. (See also: holiday traveling).

While the beginning of the holiday season now seems to start around Labor Day, it doesn't officially kick off until you have your Christmas tree set up. But at what price? Sure, it smells great, but your cats want to tear it down every time you look away, the sap has made the entire area a syrupy mess, and the pine needles need to be constantly cleaned up. Not to mention the occasional pine-scent-related allergies. This is one of the few times getting a fake is entirely acceptable.

We love our families. We really do. For the first 10 minutes. But once the barrage of questions about “How is single life going?” or “How can you possibly stand to live in those tiny apartments?” or “What’s the deal with that Twindergrambook the kids are using?” our family members have officially over-stayed their welcome. Our advice? Make your own new family of wine and spirits to keep you company until your actual family members make their eventual exit.

This time of year is like an extra-complicated People’s Choice Awards. There’s a limited window in which holiday parties happen, so you’re forced to choose whose party to attend. Sure, you could try going to six parties in one night so as not to offend anyone, but that could leave you wasted, lost, and shoeless, with a $700 Uber bill to face in the morning. And forget about trying to host a holiday party—the competition might break your holiday spirit.

We really can’t complain about the time of year that brings daily office treats. It’s an exciting addition to the usual routine of the day. But what happens when your coworker brings the same awful treat every year and insists you eat it in front of them? You politely partake, of course, but try to remember next year to come up with a super-rare, incurable food allergy.

People in couples generally manage to avoid the problem of competing families until this crucial time of year, when all bets are off. Fights, cold-shouldering, awkward phone calls to parents—this is the time of year when guilt is all around, and it’s not nearly as festive as your ugly Christmas sweater. Just be sure to let go of both when the season comes to an end.

Scary Mommy knows what you’re going through, and can help you get through the holidays with her down-and-dirty tips on surviving family, parties, and the general joys and pains of embracing the holiday season.