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If Cassie Clare's Shadowhunters Ate In The Mean Girls Cafeteria

Just some book worm word vomit that is totally fetch.

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With the upcoming City of Bones movie, we got to thinking - What would happen if the Shadowhunters walked into the Mean Girls cafeteria? We mapped out where they would sit according to The Mortal Instruments & The Infernal Devices series by Cassandra Clare.



Max Lightwood, The Mortal Instruments

Max is the youngest Lightwood brother & often gets left behind while the adults go about hunting demons. And, like many Freshmen, he looks small for his age.



Alec Lightwood, The Mortal Instruments

Alec, unlike his sister Isabelle, is noted for his seriousness & complete dedication to his Shadowhunter responsibilities. Clever, loyal & handsome, he's sure to have signed up for the ROTC – choosing to spend his weekends training & focusing on his future career endeavors rather than trying to make new friends.



Isabelle Lightwood, The Mortal Instruments

Isabelle is a kickass babe, but she also has class. She's only ever seen in dresses & totally confident in her own skin. She could definitely sit with the Plastics if it weren't for her snobbish attitude toward mundanes & Downworlders.

J.V. Jocks


Jessamine Lovelace, The Infernal Devices

A sucker for dollhouses & fancy dresses, her weapon of choice is a pink parasol with flowers. Although she has Shadowhunter blood (& therefore totes qualified to sit at the Varsity table), her total disdain for the Shadowhunter lifestyle (& her killer fashion sense) forces her to sit with JVs.

Asian Nerds


Simon Lewis, The Mortal Instruments

OK – so technically Simon isn't Asian. But you definitely don't have to be Asian to be an Asian nerd. With his intense love for Dungeons & Dragons & manga, the Asian Nerds would totes welcome him with open arms. Or ignore him completely. Which is fine since he could always join the Sexually Active Band Geeks.

Cool Asians


Magnus Bane, The Mortal Instruments, The Infernal Devices, & The Bane Chronicles

Does this even need an explanation? He's the High Warlock of Brooklyn & throws the sickest parties. A quarter Indonesian, a quarter Dutch & half demon, Magnus has definitely got the looks & the style to hang with the Cool Asians.

Varsity Jocks


Jace Wayland, The Mortal Instruments

Arrogant, charming & extremely awesome at slaying demons, Jace is pretty much the jock in the Shadowhunter world. He's basically Aaron Samuels & Shane Oman combined. Oh – and did we mention his amazing good looks? If Jace sat in front of us in math, we'd pretty much lose our ability to understand limits, too.

Unfriendly Black Hotties


Church, The Mortal Instruments & The Infernal Devices

Church isn't actually black. And, okay, he's actually a blue Persian cat. He knows everything about the Institute (his hair is full of secrets – sort of like Gretchen Wieners) & while friendly to those that he knows, he's definitely suspicious of strangers. Approach with caution.

Girls Who Eat Their Feelings


The Vampires, The Mortal Instruments

The vampires need blood to survive & a newborn vampire (also called "fledgling") is completely crazy for "food" & will attack pretty much anything – friend or foe. Talk about eating your feelings.

Girls Who Don't Eat Anything


The Silent Brothers, The Mortal Instruments & The Infernal Devices

A group of male Shadowhunters who live in the Silent City who are obsessed with archiving Shadowhunter history & look mutilated under their robes, do they even have time to eat? Until North Shore starts an emo table, they'll be sitting with the Girls Who Don't Eat Anything – too busy with other things to eat.

Desperate Wannabes


Hodge Starkweather, The Mortal Instruments

A former member of The Circle, Hodge is the tutor at the New York Institute & cursed by the Clave to be unable to leave. With the Circle gone & the Clave shunning him, poor old Hodge doesn't belong to any group – except maybe the Desperate Wannabes.

Sexually Active Band Geeks


Eric, The Mortal Instruments

If anyone belongs at this table, it's Eric. He's in a band with Simon (and obvi plays the drums, which is pretty much as cool as musical instruments can be), his current relationship is with Sheila "The Thong" Barbarino & is often referred to as a sexist pig by Clary. If the Sexually Active Band Geeks had to elect a leader, Eric would definitely win the title.

The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet


Clary Fray, Jocelyn Fray & Luke Garroway, The Mortal Instruments

Artsy, unique, loyal & generally awesome, Clary, Jocelyn & Luke are sure to be at the Greatest People You Will Ever Meet table. Both Clary & Jocelyn would totally be down to go to Janis Ian's art show & Damian would probably perform dramatic monologues in Luke's bookstore from time to time. How do we make this actually happen?

The Circle & Valentine Morgenstern, The Mortal Instruments

Similar to the Plastics, The Circle is basically the worst. Valentine Morgenstern is an evil dictator with his high-status man candy (or girl candy in this case), "hot" body (obvi) & army of skanks (The Circle).