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95 Thoughts I Had While Watching Orange Is The New Black Season Five First Episode

AKA feeling like Lynda and watching how the chaos unfolds from the safety of my toilet.

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1. Shit. I waited so long for this. What if it's no good?


3. Feed the dogs now, now

4. I wish there was a Netflix for dogs. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty for abandoning their emotional needs today.

5. Netflix for dogs... hm. Like... Fuller kennel? Unbreakable Keeshond Schnoodle? House of Pugs? *raise hand if you want to crowdfund House of Pugs*

6. Got it, dogs fed. Let's do THIS


8. This sound is like the Warner Brothers logo at the beginning of HP movies for me

9. *remembers there will be no more HP movies*

10. *sobs a little*

11. *remembers to be adult about this*

12. Yasss, Daya, you left us hanging last time, so mean *in Maritza's voice*

13. Did you know that when you're being helt at gunpoint you'll probably have great, detailed memory of the gun and hands but worse about the face and body of the offender?

14. Subscribe To A Free Useless Forensic Psychology Fact a Day

15. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

16. Don't push her people, don't push her

17. Daya is in badass mode, you guys

18. Humps is like: shit, nobody's talking, think about something, think, nice topic for talk... *abruptly changing the topic to frogs*

19. Ohhh, you better not do that, she doesn't speak Spanish, nooo


21. Did she shoot him in the leg or also in the penis? Can't tell

22. Hapakuka (Piper's bunkbed roommate) is like this one person in the horror movie that actually survives

23. Go get him, Caputo, with your witted comebacks


25. I'm not pro-violence but DAMN THAT WAS SOMETHING

26. Do you just suddenly come up with a name like Artesian? Like how?


28. Remember, salt and cold water, Flaca

29. I don't know, I just love seeing Red walking when she's got a plan

30. *friendly shipping Big Boo & Pennsatucky*

31. Classic Pennsatucky


33. Oh this is going to be good

34. Yes, Lynda, the soap is not what you expected. Poor you *pat pat*


36. Nichorello strikes again!

37. I DO like Vince. But he could never take care of Lorna like Nicky could ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

38. I want to have the Angie's level of self-confidence

39. Angie explaining every 'Super Easy, 1-ingredient DIY project' video EVER

40. HUMPS - Homophobic Upperclass Man Piece of Shit

41. Y-O-U D-O-N-T G-E-T T-O C-H-O-O-S-E N-O-W A-S-S-H-O-L-E

42. I missed Sophia's sass SO MUCH

43. TEAM FLARITZA yess bebe

44. Taystee is NOT here to play

45. 'No, she's angry. We're all angry' 😭😭😭

46. Oh she did not. She did not.

47. And Caputo is so surprised 😂

48. Red is like PLL's A.D., digging dirt on everybody

49. Give her carved soaps back, Red, surely you can understand!

50. They are actually quite nice. She would probably make some money off them on etsy.

51. I hate Piscatella so much but even I have to admit those are some fine tables.

52. Look at that manicure tho

53. Piper horny af

54. And there's the annoying Chapman again, FOMO mode

55. I know we should not like them, but the Nazis are pretty funny. Like, piggyback ride attack on the guard? Priceless.

56. GINA. THIS IS SOME OSCAR MATERIAL. I mean... at least for the makeup 🙌🙌🙌

57. Forgot about Miss Judy King for a while there

58. Oh no Soso, no, don't cry 😭😭😭 poor little baby, I just want to hug her 😭

59. Guards locking the Nazis&Frieda up and then locking themself too. Well, I'm waiting for this to get fucked

60. Lead the way, Norma, for the better future of Litchfield! Tied him like a pro

61. This show is all about making you queasy about liking someone you shouldn't. I mean - should I hate Donuts? Why you make this so hard, Netflix?


63. She was kind & loyal & smart *the feels*


65. GINA use the gloves. Like - you know it, right? Use the rubber gloves Gina. Don't die on us now

66. Taystee is kind of like Vee now. But on the good side

67. Horny Piper there again

68. 'Smell my fingers. They smell like marzipan' - Piper in the times of crisis

69. 😏

70. You guys, we keep forgetting about Lynda. Not nice.

71. I really didn't need that wound close-up. Nope.

72. How many times do you think Dwight has broken her nose if we see her doing it in almost every episode?

73. They would all give up if it wasn't for Flores. She's just making it happen. Shine, girl

74. Angie and Leanne are just in this Christmas-y mode and it's cute even tho it's drugs.

75. Don't do drugs, kids. Stay in school.

76. I mean, like finish high school. Bill Gates dropped out of what - Harvard? And look at him.

77. But still - stay in school.

78. Heels for weapons. Someone kickstart it.

79. And they hurt like fuck.

80. And a little marketing strategy lesson from Mr Six Pack Abs, thanks

81. Now I have a craving for Starbucks. You know, Black Cindy should be in the ad or something, she sells it good.

82. Nichorello feels again *prepare*

83. Kukudio, Crazy Eyes and Humps in one room is just begging for trouble, mark my words

84. I wonder what that drink Piscatella is drinking is called. Maybe... Hitler on the Beach? Suits him well

85. Lynda puppy-following Vause&Chapman is honestly a little bit cute but also just hella embarassing

86. Ghetto is rising and all I can see are those girls wearing pom-pom hats with holes for mouth and eyes like in Spring Break

87. Give them some peanut butter, dickheads!

88. Tablescape - competitive table setting. You learn something new every day

89. Daya is like the worst kind of gun holder you can experience - quiet and calm. It scares the shit out of me cause I know she's not in the right state of mind to have that gun now

90. OH NO



93. Fuuuuuck. I wanted to dose OINTB so it lasts longer

94. See you in 52 minutes 👋👋👋

95. *times twelve*

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