1.
guy on tinder: h- me to all my friends: so this guy im talking to
2.
i swear to god if i am murdered and people talk about how hot my killer is and not how hot *i* am ......... there will absolutely be consequences
3.
I just got the asian version of cards against humanity and I don't know if I'm laughing or crying right now
4.
Me and my little sister, buying a fancy coconut drink: gotta do it for the ‘gram! My mom, panicked: a gram of WHAT!!????!
5.
jesus after three days in that tomb https://t.co/RLI3edOgPx
6.
white girls during midterms will be like “i’m bout to say fuck it and become a stripper” as if they have the core strength
7.
I am over 30, pls stop pretending to like me..I know when someone likes me. My bodega guy never smiles but puts extra cream cheese on my bagel & doesn’t charge me extra. Slides Swedish Fish in my bag for no reason. Doesn’t laugh at any of my jokes. I know when someone likes me.
8.
Is running for president just "starting a podcast" for rich people?
9.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
10.
For anyone thinking of moving to LA: I was just sitting in traffic, crying in my Prius. I looked in my mirror and the girl behind me was also crying in her Prius. So, chase those dreams!
11.
awards season: bradley cooper:
12.
romeo she's alive dude juliet is alive oh god he has airpods in he cant hear me oh god oh fuck
13.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
14.
How can a person hate being lonely but also love being alone? I don’t know, but I am fucking great at it!
15.
It looks like it's riding the New York subway https://t.co/6dl29V0Vxm
16.
I like adult crushes bc as a kid when someone was like “u totally have a crush on Jason” you’d b like “ME? A CRUSH? ON HIM? HOW DARE YOU SIR” and now it’s more like yeah and? what r u gonna gain from it
17.
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: no