1.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
2.
┏┓ ┃┃╱╲ in ┃╱╱╲╲ this ╱╱╭╮╲╲ house ▔▏┗┛▕▔ we ╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ don’t ever leave the house but still would like to be invited to leave the house ╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕
3.
waking up after sleeping with a tank top on
4.
My naym is snek My body long My hed is smol But jaw is stronk And wen it time To get me fed I open wide I monch the bred https://t.co/uLl9Vmfh3m
5.
me: *opens mouth to scream into the void* the void: sorry man we're full up me: what? the void: there's no more room. we're teeming with screams me: but— the void: we👏are👏at👏capacity👏sir. try a pillow.
6.
7.
I swear 2018 went JANUARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Febuarymarchaprilmayjune
8.
When u plan an outfit out in ur head but it looks mad stupid once u try it on and now u don't know what to wear
9.
Told my coworker i was Ambidextrous this nigga said “that’s wassup bro love who you love” LMFAOOOOOO
10.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
11.
I’m 100% convinced my grandma was the reason Mexico won
12.
I took an uber alone at 2am and when I got out my uber driver was like “have fun, get that dick!” and I said “hell yes thank you!!” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was being dropped at my moms house cause we have to wake up early to celebrate my dogs birthday
13.
WHY IS MY SISTER LIKE THIS?!? 😭😭😭😭😭🤣
14.
You’ll be hearing from my lawyer. https://t.co/0ACzkyQhpG
15.
JURASSIC PARK SEQUEL IDEA: 3 Million AD. The humans are extinct. The dino-scientists find mosquitoes with human blood. Guess who they clone... Jeff. Fucking. Goldblum. They mix up the mosquito DNA with Goldblum's. Surprise assholes. This is now a sequel to The Fly.
16.
Is maroon just navy red
17.
Me tryna fold a fitted sheet
18.
me: is there a spirit in my house ouija board: *slides to yes* me: great your portion of the rent is 650 it’s due the first of the month ouija board: F U C K