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If "Mean Girls" Were Set In Cardiff

"You go, Gwyn Coco!"

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1. Cady would have moved to Cardiff from the exotic land of England, and everyone would comment on how posh she sounds.

2. But they wouldn't be phased by pronouncing her name properly, because if you can deal with a double "l" and rolled "r"s, you can deal with "Cady".

3. When she first turned up at school, Cady would be worried about making friends, but within an hour about 500 people would have told her their life stories, so she'd actually fancy a bit of peace and quiet. That's why she'd hide in the loo for lunch.

4. She'd knock tea over her Ms Norbury, but it'd be fine because Ms Norbury would have about 15 vests underneath her shirt to keep her warm.

5. Cady would say she likes Maths "because it's the same in every country." Ms Norbury would reply, "Yeah, except all the Maths problems you now solve will involve people named Beti, Dafydd, and Rhys, just FYI."

6. Eventually Cady would become mates with Janis Evans, who'd work at Blue Banana.

7. And her sidekick Damian, who'd be no stranger to the dance floor at Pulse.

8. They'd think about skipping lessons together, but the fact it'd be pissing it down outside would make rebellion far less appealing.

9. "Oh my god Danny DeVito I love your work" would be less relevant when everyone is 5 ft 1.

10. In Welsh lessons, Cady would fall in love with Arwyn Ap Samuel, the sexiest rugby player in school.

11. She actually wouldn't know any Welsh, so wouldn't have to fake dumbness in order to get his help.

12. At lunchtime, Janis would point out all the different groups in the canteen: the rugby boys, the rugby groupies, the nerds, the emos, and the band boys who truly believe they're the next Stereophonics.

13. The Plastics could be identified by their rolled up school uniform skirts, extra tight white blouses, and overly straightened hair.

14. They'd also have a penchant for Rimmel bronzer and lip gloss.

15. Their brows would be so on fleek it'd hurt.

16. Regina George would be amazing at lacrosse and her family would have a fancy house in Cyncoed.

17. Gretchen Weiner's dad invented Welsh cakes, apparently.

18. And Karen Smith's breasts can tell when it's raining, because that is ALL THE TIME.

19. "Your bracelet is lush – where to's it from?"

20. "On match days we wear red."

21. The Plastics would take Cady shopping in St David's 2, but they'd have to get the bus there because no one could drive yet.

22. They'd also go to Regina's house to look at the Burn Book, which is for chopsing all the girls at school.

23. Before the Halloween party, The Plastics would spend a long and arduous day traipsing round every local Spar trying to get served booze with their rubbish fake IDs.

24. "I'm a dragon, duh."

25. Regina would cop off with Arwyn and Cady would decide to sabotage her by convincing her that Gregg's Steak Bakes contain just 50 calories a pop.

26. Everyone would comment on how the Christmas talent show isn't a patch on the primary school Eisteddfod.

27. Cady would be persuaded to join in The Plastics' annual dance performance to Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews "Baby It's Cold Outside". Unfortunately, the 50-year-old tape recorder which the school couldn't afford to replace would pack up and Cady would have to sing all the Tom parts while the audience did Cerys.

28. Cady would send Christmas love spoons from Regina to the whole group except Gretchen, who'd promptly reveal that Regina had been copping off with Sion Owen in the caretaker's cupboard.

29. "You go, Gwyn Coco".

30. The girls would all visit the fancy bit in Howell's for Regina to try on her dress for the St David's Day disco. It wouldn't fit but the shop assistant would be lovely about it and tell her a story about her next door neighbour who once lost eight stone.

31. "I can't go down Chippy Lane, I'm on an all-carb diet."

32. Regina would read the nutrition information for Steak Bakes on MyFitnessPal and decide to release the Burn Book to the world, but the school photocopier would be so old that it'd take her hours to make the copies.

33. There'd be a mass brawl in the corridors, which the teacher would try to break up by setting off the fire sprinklers, but everyone would just carry on.

34. "I'm not being funny, but I can't help that I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina".

35. Regina would get run over by a Cardiff Bus.

36. She'd still make it to the St David's Day disco though, but she'd immediately regret it because it's just a really shit party in the school hall.

37. Cady would get chosen as The Bard. She'd start tearing up the floral crown and the teachers would be like, "Oh bugger: We'll never be able to buy a new one of those."

38. Cady would date Arwyn Ap Samuel for a year, before realising he wasn't that great. She's head off to Swansea Uni and get over him by getting shitfaced.


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