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Once You See Jamie Fraser Your Life Will Never Be The Same Again

Outlander fans, unite.

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Hi, friends. I'm gonna need you to sit down and freakin' listen for a sec, because I'm here to talk to you about this asshole right here. His name is Jamie Fraser.

Starz

And this dick-sicle has literally ruined my life.

Starz

Oh sorry, did my cursing offend you? Well, you know what offended me? The fictional existence of such a perfect man.

Starz

You see, I've recently gotten into the show Outlander* and my life has irrevocably changed.

Starz

*I know, I know — I'm late and you're better than me for being a fan since day one.

But this isn't about the show. This is just about Jamie. Just Jamie. Jamie Fraser. Ja'mie Fraser.

Starz

Jamie, quick question for ye: How fucking dare you?

Starz

You think you can just go around making bitches with hearts of stone fall madly in love with you and leave their husbands for ye AND JUST GET AWAY WITH IT?*

Starz

*Am I talking about Claire or am I talking about myself? I don't even know anymore.

Have some mercy with that goddamn smirk of yours, you dipshit.

Starz

And are you freakin' kidding me with that hair of perfectly coiled red ringlets?

Starz

Your hair is the color of a perfectly mixed batch of Kool-Aid with some Weasley brothers sprinkled in.

And from some angles it's more brown. And others it's more ginger. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH DIMENSION.
Starz

And from some angles it's more brown. And others it's more ginger. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH DIMENSION.

And you're allowed to have a body like that and it's apparently NBD?

Starz

Screw. You.

Starz

Oh, so being physically flawless isn't enough for you? You have to be amazingly loyal and romantic, too?

Starz

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Don't mind me, that's just the sound of my heart actually bursting!

Starz

You continuously risk your well-being to protect the ones you love? GIVE ME MY HEART BACK, YE BASTARD.

Starz

You're making my life about 1,000 times more difficult, you tall, gorgeous block of Scottish perfection.

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And I can't even talk about the accent because my hands are shaking.

The moral of this story is that I freakin' despise you — you've left me gasping for breath in a way that neither I nor my therapist can get to the bottom of.

Starz

And now I'll just end with this. Because why the fuck not?

Starz

OK, I'm gonna go cry now.

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