1. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
I generally panic. "What am I doing with my life?" "Do people like me?" "If they don't like me, how can I get rid of them and blame it on someone else?" Stuff like that.
2. When you walk into a bar, what do you typically order?
I usually just order a draft beer like an IPA. I keep it real. Then I make a big deal about how real I'm keeping it to the strangers standing next to me.
3. What's the one word you are guilty of using too often?
Lately I've been throwing around "mos def" a lot. Not the rapper/actor Mos Def. Just the term like "most definitely." I don't think the real Mos Def likes being thrown around, and I am not suggesting that, to be clear.
4. What is the last thing you searched for on Google?
"Breast pumps." It's not what you think. I just like looking at pictures of women using breast pumps.
5. Who is the last person that called or texted you?
My mom just called me. She told me someone at her church said they saw me on an episode of The Goldbergs and they thought my hair looked "so handsome." Which was weird because that show is set in the '80s so I look really ridiculous. But my mom's church friends are older and I think they loved the '80s.
6. What's the wallpaper on your phone and/or computer?
It's a picture of our pit bull. Which makes my wife pretty angry (jealous).
7. What was the last awkward situation you were in and how did you handle it?
I was checking into a hotel late at night and the woman behind the desk wasn't expecting any new guests. She had farted up the whole room. She seemed mortified. I just tried to be polite, but she should probably go see a doctor.
8. What is your TV guilty pleasure?
I like any show where they are chasing ghosts and/or Bigfoot. I don't know why we can't catch all these ghosts and/or Bigfoot. Maybe there should be more shows like that and then we could go ahead and catch them all and those shows would be over and I can move on with my life.
9. What's the first CD you bought?
I'm not that young. I bought records. The first record I bought was Kiss, Destroyer. That was a metal band where all the guys wore makeup and you never saw their real faces. Have you heard of them, kids? It was pretty cool back then. Not so much now. They show their faces now and they don't look so good.
10. And what music are you currently listening to?
I listen to Band of Horses a lot. And Radiohead. And metal bands that show their faces but don't sing at all...like Russian Circles or Pelican.
11. What is the one food you cannot resist?
Anything with barbecue sauce on it. Chicken, ribs, human fingers.
12. What movie makes you laugh the most?
Raising Arizona changed me on the inside. I watched it on VHS way back when and immediately rewound it and watched it again. Planes, Trains and Automobiles also rules. Groundhog Day kicks ass. I think about Step Brothers every day of my life. But Airplane defines me. I miss Leslie Nielsen so bad. I want to be him.
13. What toppings do you like on your pizza?
14. What drives you absolutely crazy?
People who think it's all about them. It's not. It's all about me. Especially when we're all driving. Please get out of my way. I have shit I have to do RIGHT NOW that is more important than your shit. Your shit is so dumb. My shit rules.
15. What was your first online screen name?
firstname.lastname@example.org. I'm not joking. Do you remember Web TV? It was email you had on your TV. So dumb. But I had that until my friends beat the shit out of me.
16. What’s the last thing you copied and pasted on your phone?
This fucking interview.
17. What’s your favorite curse word?
FUCK YOU. (In this case I'm not saying "Fuck you, BuzzFeed." That is my answer. To be clear.)
18. What's your favorite emoji?
I like to use food ones to answer something the wrong way. Someone says, "What time are we meeting?" And I go:
19. Pick one: Kittens or puppies?
20. New York or Los Angeles?
New York, of course.
21. Twitter or Instagram?
Twitter, but lately I've just been reposting things about what a dipshit Drumpf is. I need to get back into writing my own shit. But seriously, fuck Drumpf.
22. Bacon or Nutella?
Fuck bacon. Marry Nutella. Kill vegetables.
23. Britney or Christina?
I sat behind Britney on a plane one time and she was very nice to the flight attendants, so I say Britney.
24. Coffee or tea?
25. NSYNC or BSB?
26. 2 a.m. or 2 p.m.?
2 a.m. is when I go to bed and when my wife wakes up to go to work. She does the morning news in LA.
27. Beyoncé or Rihanna?
Beyoncé. Except when the guy from Coldplay performed with her during the Super Bowl halftime show. I didn't like that part. Come on, Coldplay. Come on.
28. Netflix and chill or just Netflix?
Netflix, but specifically Lady Dynamite and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and documentaries about really fucked-up people.
29. Hannah Montana or Lizzie McGuire?
Sci-Girls (PBS, you dummy).
30. And finally: Tell us a secret.
I am permanently banned from Yankee Stadium for something bad that I did.