Buzz·Posted on Sep 26, 201940 Tweets You Can Enjoy For Exactly Zero Dollars And Zero CentsAged like fine wine.by Shelby HeinrichBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. logan @brainwxrms girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday?? 01:49 AM - 19 Sep 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. pascalle @frenchielaboozi ah i seeeee i thought when you said you wanted to start a family it was understood i would be the baby 05:40 AM - 14 Jun 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Brady @pebbut This is how little kids stare at you in public areas for no reason 08:13 PM - 09 Sep 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Yael @elle91 Purebread dogs vs. inbread dogs 05:25 PM - 22 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Daniel "Kibblesmith" @kibblesmith Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he's destroying you in a rap battle 01:47 AM - 20 Oct 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Truckstop Vigilante @BRENTHOR Who the fuck call laundry sauce 'detergent'? Ok mr scientist lmao 08:00 PM - 14 Sep 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. chris wade @saywhatagain Old publicity photos of nsync always make them look like Guy Fieri's five sons 04:13 AM - 20 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. ♡ brian essbe ♡ @SortaBad One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot. 03:34 AM - 26 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Bea_ker @bea_ker GORDON RAMSAY: what the fuck is that ME: it's a banana just a normal banana to eat GORDON RAMSAY: fuck it off 12:37 PM - 01 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Becks @BecksWelker 7:02 pm: I'll probably have 1 or 2 beers 2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014 12:06 AM - 21 Nov 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. chopped liva @realchoppedliva when characters in musicals transition from speaking to singing 12:51 AM - 27 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. i fw the vision @lowkeyscum Accidentally bought hotdog buns instead of hamburger buns so guess who's eating hamdogs 01:36 AM - 02 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. NasLost.gif @thebigkhalifa Best friends off the court💪🏾, sworn enemies on it. 👿😡🏀🏀Athletes understand.👌🏾💯💯💯 07:02 PM - 05 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Tamara Yajia @DancesWithTamis Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George? 05:26 AM - 29 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Anya Volz @AnyaVolz Meeting your boyfriend's ex 06:20 PM - 24 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. tara shoe @tarashoe love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue 07:14 AM - 11 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. 🦋 @ambermariexoo dating a skinny guy cool until you roll down the window on the freeway and he fly out like a mcdonald's napkin 05:06 PM - 06 Sep 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Ethan Booker @Ethan_Booker Still the greatest news report of all-time by a country mile. 04:54 PM - 09 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. 5|-| 1 r T @xbleachtemple Important video 06:28 AM - 24 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. C.G. Runyon @CGRunyon This is the funniest thing I've ever seen 12:10 AM - 28 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. audrey farnsworth @audipenny "Come along, Trash Spaceship," I say to my purse as we leave the house. 05:26 PM - 02 Oct 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. anna 🐱 @annajames33 first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong 07:15 PM - 31 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Sophia Benoit @1followernodad Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats 01:22 AM - 23 Mar 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Jackson @striiiiick Hold my white claw dancing queen is on 05:46 PM - 20 Sep 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. Crap Local News @CrapLocalNews Breaking news: 05:45 PM - 13 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Kalvin @KalvinMacleod DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging* 09:02 PM - 10 Dec 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. danny @dsemumi cleaning out your fridge is such a humiliating experience. you bought these plums and you didn’t eat them in time. you absolute failure. you miserable piece of 02:14 AM - 27 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Mamí 🌸 @LexEspy1 #petty 03:07 AM - 26 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. mikky chance. @ievamikalauskas *someone drives the speed limit and is being a safe driver* me: OHHHHMMYYYYYFUUUCCCJKIIINNNNGODDDDDD GOOOOOOOO!!!!… https://t.co/xkM48V9e4V 06:48 AM - 17 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. chill bill @_BrodieGuwop My girl just asked me what am i getting her for Rihanna's birthday 02:05 AM - 19 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. gym leader khy @VLONESLORE yesterday at target the cashier said “your receipt is in the bag” and I responded with “you too” so I’ve been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I’m slowly coming to terms with it which is cool 05:20 PM - 16 Jul 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Mark Magark @markedly *continues eating while receiving the Heimlich* 08:36 PM - 24 Jun 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. ¿alex? @hoemoticon my friends supporting my bad driving 07:28 PM - 18 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. jim, troublemaker/rapscallion etc. @urvillageidiot what’s the meanest thing a child has ever said to you? one time a kid told me that i looked like big bird after he got put in a microwave. 01:05 AM - 14 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan When a zoo animal dies they always call it "beloved" or a "crowd favorite" like there's some animal named "Jimmy the zebra everyone hates" 10:35 PM - 28 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. Pete Stewart 🏳️🌈 @Peter5tewart me, who clearly doesn't know the lyrics to Footloose: FOOTLOOSE PET GOOSE PICKED A FIGHT WITH A MOOSE CHEESE STIFF BREEZE WATCH OUT, THERE ARE TEN BEES 10:13 AM - 16 Sep 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. Ash (an female) ⚪️ @adult_mom coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine 01:15 AM - 11 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 38. Lewis Vaughan Jones @LVaughanJones When your drone runs out of battery over a lake, timing is everything... 10:29 AM - 10 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 39. Ayn Randy @ItsAndyRyan I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe. 05:00 PM - 25 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 40. ellory smith @ellorysmith when I get married each of my bridesmaids have to wear the outfit they were wearing when I saw them throw up for the first time 04:21 PM - 28 Jul 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite