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40 Tweets You Can Enjoy For Exactly Zero Dollars And Zero Cents

Aged like fine wine.

1.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

2.

ah i seeeee i thought when you said you wanted to start a family it was understood i would be the baby

3.

This is how little kids stare at you in public areas for no reason

4.

Purebread dogs vs. inbread dogs

5.

Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he's destroying you in a rap battle

6.

Who the fuck call laundry sauce 'detergent'? Ok mr scientist lmao

7.

Old publicity photos of nsync always make them look like Guy Fieri's five sons

8.

One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.

9.

GORDON RAMSAY: what the fuck is that ME: it's a banana just a normal banana to eat GORDON RAMSAY: fuck it off

10.

7:02 pm: I'll probably have 1 or 2 beers 2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

11.

when characters in musicals transition from speaking to singing

12.

Accidentally bought hotdog buns instead of hamburger buns so guess who's eating hamdogs

13.

Best friends off the court💪🏾, sworn enemies on it. 👿😡🏀🏀Athletes understand.👌🏾💯💯💯

14.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

15.

16.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue

17.

dating a skinny guy cool until you roll down the window on the freeway and he fly out like a mcdonald's napkin

18.

Still the greatest news report of all-time by a country mile.

19.

20.

This is the funniest thing I've ever seen

21.

"Come along, Trash Spaceship," I say to my purse as we leave the house.

22.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

23.

Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats

24.

Hold my white claw dancing queen is on

25.

26.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

27.

cleaning out your fridge is such a humiliating experience. you bought these plums and you didn’t eat them in time. you absolute failure. you miserable piece of

28.

29.

*someone drives the speed limit and is being a safe driver* me: OHHHHMMYYYYYFUUUCCCJKIIINNNNGODDDDDD GOOOOOOOO!!!!… https://t.co/xkM48V9e4V

30.

My girl just asked me what am i getting her for Rihanna's birthday

31.

yesterday at target the cashier said “your receipt is in the bag” and I responded with “you too” so I’ve been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I’m slowly coming to terms with it which is cool

32.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

33.

my friends supporting my bad driving

34.

what’s the meanest thing a child has ever said to you? one time a kid told me that i looked like big bird after he got put in a microwave.

35.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it "beloved" or a "crowd favorite" like there's some animal named "Jimmy the zebra everyone hates"

36.

me, who clearly doesn't know the lyrics to Footloose: FOOTLOOSE PET GOOSE PICKED A FIGHT WITH A MOOSE CHEESE STIFF BREEZE WATCH OUT, THERE ARE TEN BEES

37.

coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine

38.

When your drone runs out of battery over a lake, timing is everything...

39.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

40.

when I get married each of my bridesmaids have to wear the outfit they were wearing when I saw them throw up for the first time

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