Weddings can be amazing, but more often than not, they also dredge up a TON of drama — especially when money is involved.
Here are the details, according to OP:
"When I was 20, my then-girlfriend cheated on me with my brother*. I was heartbroken and pissed. I told him he is no longer my brother. Despite my request, my family didn't cut him off, so I told them that I will never again be in the same place he is. If they wish to invite both of us, then they should just invite him, as I'm the one giving the ultimatum."
"My daughter is getting married in spring next year. In our culture, both parents are paying for the wedding 50/50. Unexpectedly, my daughter sat me down and told me that she will be inviting my brother and his family (he married my cheating ex). Apparently, she was seeing them for the last four years and built a relationship behind my back. She even wants her cousin to be some kind of flower girl."
This news didn't make OP very happy. "I was pissed. I told her what my boundaries are, and if my brother is invited, then I will not pay my part of the wedding. She became angry and told me it was time to let go of the past. I told her it was not her call to make. We argued some more and she told me I am making her wedding about myself. I told her I will probably not even attend, so it will be all about her. She left crying."
And now, people are pretty pissed at OP. "My ex-wife called me screaming and told me I'm a huge [asshole] and our daughter is crushed. Then my parents called, same thing. I told them off and now I'm ignoring their calls. My girlfriend told me to reconsider and apologize, and that by not paying and attending, I will break my relationship with my daughter. I don't know. I think my boundaries should be respected. Am I [an asshole] for that?"
Naturally, I went to the comments section of the thread to see what others had to say about the situation, and there were PLENTY of takes. Many felt like OP wasn't in the wrong at all, and is completely within his rights to not pay for the wedding.
"This is one of those stories where your daughter has decided that she's willing to alienate you for someone that betrayed your trust, it doesn't matter if it was 20 years ago, it only matters that it happened, which thereby means, she betrayed your trust. If she wants him there so bad he can pay the half.
Also, it's ok that she has a relationship, it's ok that she wants her cousin in it, it's not ok that she wants you to pay (half) for her wedding so a person that truly hurt you can participate in it as well."
"My sister and ex-fiancee got married and I said they were both dead to me. Any place they are, I won't go. I don't expect my family to cut her off (since she's the golden child), but I have cut people off that didn't respect my boundaries and tried to force reconciliation. I wouldn't pay either."
"The people around you need a reality check. Ask your daughter if her fiancé cheated on her tomorrow, moved on with the affair partner, and you decided to stay close to him, if she’d be okay with it.
It’s so easy for everyone to judge you when they’re not in your shoes. And in terms of the money, tradition or not, it’s yours and you can do with it as you please."
Others felt that OP's daughter is also a huge betrayer, because she secretly built a relationship with his brother.
"Your daughter had four years to tell you she’s been building familial ties with your brother and his wife. She had four years to tell you to let go of the past. She’s aware of your boundaries and blatantly broke them, and now that she needs financing for her wedding, she sprung this situation on you. I think it’s the betrayal from your daughter that broke the camel’s back."
"I mean, the mind boggles as to why she would gravitate to her uncle, build a relationship in secret, and then tell her dad all this and expect him to pat her on the head and pay for her wedding. The brother, who’s basically showing he still doesn’t care about his sibling, can pay [for the wedding]. It’s like the brother is making the point again about how he can get what he wants and have a relationship with whomever he wants, except he comes out stinking of roses because he’s not the one refusing to pay for his daughter's wedding. OP, you’re prob best off without them all, TBH."
However, some advised OP to rethink his actions, especially considering that his brother's betrayal happened over two decades ago.
"I'll refrain from judgement for now. However, I'll tell you this: a girlfriend from 20 years ago is not more important than your daughter. Tread lightly, because you may lose her."
"It's been 26 years, longer than OP's daughter has even been alive. I understand being annoyed that his brother is invited, not wanting to talk to him, or take pictures with him, etc. But giving up your relationship with your daughter is like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Here's my question, OP: Your brother stole your girlfriend. Do you want him to steal your daughter, too? Your grandchildren? If not, suck it up for a day."