18 Hookup Horror Stories That'll Make Your Next One-Night Stand Look Like A Cakewalk
*Deletes all dating apps. Takes a vow of celibacy.*
1. This vomit-fueled rendezvous.
"I was hooking up with this guy and as we’re doing the deed, I decided I wasn't into it anymore, so we went to sleep. I later woke up to him PUKING ON ME. I got up and said 'you need to leave.' I desperately wanted to shower but I didn’t want him to join me so I sat and waited, covered in vomit, until he left. He ended up costing me $70 in laundry because my dresser drawers had been open and everything in them got covered. I also ended up getting a yeast infection, and I’m pretty sure sitting covered in his vomit for like 30 minutes had something to do with it."
2. This sleepy sexy time.
"I met up with a guy late at night. I was exhausted and once 'things' started happening, I started falling asleep. I wanted to wrap it up and go home so I attempted to finish him orally. To make it even better, he couldn't keep it up. So after at least 10 minutes of trying to no avail, I fell asleep with it in my mouth. Moments later, he nudged me to try again. I just laughed and went home."
3. This jarring, scarring moment.
"After a quickie in the club's bathroom, I went home with a stranger. He pulled me to his bedroom, kept the lights off, and we started getting busy. A few minutes in, he says 'shh, go back to bed.' Confused, I turned around to look, and on the other side of his room was HIS LITTLE SISTER SITTING ON HER BUNK BED WITH A FLASHLIGHT IN HER HAND. Watching her brother pound into me. FML."
4. This smelly setback.
"Gay guy here. I hooked up with a cute guy who was very dominant. Things heated up and he eventually wanted me to eat out his ass. I agreed. As I spread his cheeks, this waft of poisonous rot odor began to rise from his hairy hole and I realized that not only had he clearly not prepared for the evening, but he may have just shit and barely remembered to wipe. I didn’t even know what to do...so I did it anyways and promptly found a way to leave. I will never gargle with enough Listerine."
5. This unforgettable first time.
"I met this guy at a party and we both had a few too many glasses of 'juice.' We went back to my place and started to get jiggy. I soon found out he was a virgin. I went down on him and it hit my gag reflex just right and I puked all over him, to which he asked, 'did I finish or is that vomit?' I ended the night crying naked on the bathroom floor. I think we were both traumatized by that hookup."
6. This itchy surprise.
"I was getting a blowjob one time but my girlfriend didn’t know she had head lice. I got it on my pubic hair the next day, and freaked out at first because I thought I had crabs."
7. This tale that's long but totally worth the read.
"I went to the store and bought a bag of prunes because I had been feeling a bit constipated and started eating them absentmindedly. Half a pound of prunes later, I met a hot guy for a drink. My tummy started a-rumblin' during the third drink, but I wasn't about to let a few toots stink up my date. He drove me to his house and we started hooking up. Mind you, I ATE HALF A POUND OF PRUNES and was holding in several more MASSIVE FARTS. Finally, I asked him to drive me home.
"The story doesn't end there because after I got home and spent an hour in misery on the commode, I went to the store in my cute white sweats, where my bowels decided, in the wine aisle while I was holding a giant bottle of red wine, to unleash the hounds of hot lava hell. I tripped over my feet while running for the bathroom, fell, dropped and broke open the bottle, and shit myself in the middle of the store. While wearing. White. Sweatpants."
8. This family affair.
"A guy I had been seeing said his family was out of town and invited me back to his house. We did our deed and I way overslept the next morning. I woke up, got dressed, and walked downstairs...directly into the dining room where he was having brunch with his entire family (grandma and grandpa included). We were ALL mortified. I grabbed my things and ran out the front door. I passed the dad in the driveway who smirked and said 'thanks, come again!' To add salt to the wound, I left my $1,000 watch on his nightstand and he never returned my calls asking for it."
9. This cweepy-weepy pillow talk.
"I hooked up with a guy I'd been talking to once, and only once, because he dirty talked in a wittle baby voice the. entire. time. I was so creeped out I never saw him again. Next!"
10. This mor-TOE-fying event.
"I went out dancing with a couple of friends, got super drunk, and ended up going home with a random guy. We get into bed, and as I'm going down on him I feel his sharp, unclipped toenails scraping the inside of my vagina. He was literally 'toeing' me while being sucked off! I was mortified. I ended up climbing back on top of him, gave him a quickie and waited until he passed out so I could leave. My vagina bled for a couple of days and actually hurt from his toenails scraping my insides."
11. This episode of Naked and Afraid.
"Me and my boyfriend were kissing and undressing each other, then he started to go down on me. As he's mid-oral, his mother walks in. There we are, both butt-naked and me with my legs spread and his face in between. I have yet to face her again and it's been a year."
12. This small-but-important detail.
"I made out with a coworker I barely knew at our company's Christmas party. We went to his place and were having pretty good sex in the living room until his ex-girlfriend, WHO HE STILL LIVED WITH (he had "forgotten" to mention this), banged the door and started furiously screaming. Oops. The guy went outside to calm her down, I got dressed real quick and somehow snuck out. Weeks later, he asked me to deny our hookup in case she texted me, because they had gotten back together. Oh my."
13. This bloody blunder.
"I was drunk on vacation and hooked up with one of my guy friends. Afterwards, he drunkenly stumbled back to his bedroom. I looked down at the sheets and they were COVERED in blood. I MEAN EVERYWHERE. I wasn't due for a period, but mother nature had other diabolical plans. I then had to physically drag him out of bed and force him into a shower because most of his mid-section was also covered in blood. Needless to say, that was the only time I ever hooked up with him."
14. This hookup-turned-medical-consultation.
"I met up with this guy, and when I went down on him his foreskin wasn’t retracting past the tip and it smelt like stale urine. I had just covered penile anatomy at uni and I basically diagnosed him with phimosis. He lay on my bed totally shook and I ended up becoming his counselor for an hour or so while partially naked in my lingerie (awks). He texted me a month later to say he’d gotten a circumcision and asked if I wanted to see the result!"
15. This leg-lover.
"One time I went on a date with a guy. We both got pretty drunk and I took him back to my place. Needless to say, he couldn’t really find the ‘goal,’ and thought that the bit behind my knee was good enough and preceded to have fun with my leg crevice, and then passed out. Longest night of my life."
16. This curious kink.
"I was at a frat party with a friend in college, and there was this pretty hot German student I was flirting with. We started hooking up by the pool table once the party had died down and then, without warning, he lifted up my arm and LICKED. MY. ARM. PIT. I’m not one to yuck anybody’s yum, but that was a bit too much for me."
17. This one-and-done romp.
"Met a guy online. I was on all fours and he entered from behind, then immediately got up walked around, grabbing random stuff off the floor. I asked what was up and he said, 'eh, I'm a bit drunk maybe in the a.m.' I got up to get dressed and stepped in a huge pile of wet cum. He literally came in one pump then tried to hide it."
18. And this age-old question.
"I went on a Tinder date with a guy, and decided to go back to his place. We were completely naked in bed getting amped up and he pulled away from kissing me and asked, 'can I take a dump on your chest?' I stared at him for a solid 10 seconds before asking him if he was serious. He said he was and I have never gotten dressed faster in my life. Needless to say I never spoke to him again even after he texted me to apologize for being so upfront about it."