Hi, I'm Shelby, and I apologize A LOT.
The amount that I apologize for things on a regular basis has been a running joke among my friends, family, and coworkers for YEARS. Basically, everyone I've ever spent an extended amount of time with has commented on how much I say sorry.
BUT lately I've found myself in situations where I've apologized and then immediately been like, Did I really need to say sorry for that?
So I decided to I spend a full week recording my apologies in order to find out how much I say sorry and why. I hoped this experience would not only help me better understand myself, but also help serial apologizers everywhere.*
Here's how it went:
I woke up feeling a little nervous about getting started. Since I'd never really engaged with how much I apologize on a regular basis, I knew there would be a level of vulnerability I wouldn't be comfortable with right away. But I was also SUPER eager to learn how much I actually apologize because, y'know, curiosity.
Highlights
11:05 a.m.: My first apology of the week! When my coworker and desk mate Daniella sat down and we started chatting, one of my Invisalign rubber bands popped out of my mouth and I said I was sorry. Even though it popped out of MY MOUTH and literally did not affect her at all. Seemed like a good indicator of how this week was going to go.
12:30 p.m.: I said sorry to a coworker in the canteen because I was grabbing silverware and he was waiting behind me. I felt like I was in his way, and thus needed to apologize. I realized after that I could have just said "excuse me" instead and it would've been fine.
1:42 p.m.: I apologized for kicking a table as I sat down. It jiggled my coworkers' laptops a little and I felt HORRIBLE. But it turns out, neither of them even noticed! This made me wonder how many of my sorries went undetected day-to-day, and why? Had I done it so much that no one even noticed anymore???? Or did I simply apologize for things other people didn't notice in general?
6:04 p.m.: I said sorry to my roommate for eating the rest of her grapes from a bowl on the table, even though she told me I could!!! I also apologized to her when I said I wouldn't be in town when she wanted to schedule a hang.
Day 1 Apology Count: 12
This felt like a pretty high number and also not high at all, if that makes sense. I knew my apologies slipped out a lot during the day, but when I saw the number 12 it seemed...a little excessive. It only made me even more curious about what my weekly total would be.
I'll admit that day one was more emotionally taxing than I anticipated. Actually having to analyze my speech and behavior took energy and it made me a little anxious, but overall it was pretty illuminating! Like, wow, I apologize A LOT, apparently. Maybe even more than I thought.
Bonus: I kept missing messages from my coworker Lavi because I was busy, so I kept saying sorry for not getting back to her. I also mentioned that I sucked?
I had a much harder time getting going and feeling motivated than I did yesterday. I wasn't sure if it was just because I was feeling #lazy or if this whole apology thing had already started to weigh on me.
Highlights
1:02 p.m.: It finally happened. I said sorry to Daniella (twice) because I was talking to her and she said, "What?" because she couldn't hear me. So I guess I figured the correct response was to apologize for her not hearing me.
2:45 p.m.: I said sorry to another coworker who was having a rough day. This was more a condolence than an apology, but I said sorry nonetheless. I stood by this! Letting someone know you're sorry that they're dealing with something shitty shows you actually care about their well-being.
4:11 p.m.: I apologized to Ehis for coming up to her desk to ask her a question and accidentally startling her. THIS was yet another breed of apology I stood by. Being startled is the worst.
4:41 p.m.: I just apologized to Daniella for RUBBING MY ARM on the couch we were sitting on??? I was rubbing it because it itched and for some reason I felt like that warranted an apology??? I didn't need to apologize and she told me so.
Day 2 Apology Count: 17
Damn, even more than yesterday. And here I thought I was doing well! Today had me thinking a little more about the different reasons behind my apologies. Some were (arguably unwarranted) apologies for my behavior, but others were meant as a heartfelt sign that I was listening and I cared, which I still found perfectly acceptable.
I woke up feeling a little better than yesterday, albeit a tiny bit shocked and ashamed of my high apology count from day two. Something I began to notice was that most of the time, the people I apologized to didn't even realize I had done the thing I said sorry for. I think that really showed how hyperaware I can be of my actions and how I need to realize that, quite frankly, not everyone cares as much about what I do and probably won't be offended.
Highlights
8:50 a.m.: This was my earliest sorry of the day so far this week! I climbed into the shuttle heading to work and it was super full. I took a spot in the back in between two other girls, and thanked one of them for moving her bag. Then I apologized for it being such a "tight squeeze." I realized immediately after I said it that I had literally apologized for taking up space. Which was, like, pretty messed up!!
I knew this was something a lot of women struggle with, both consciously and unconsciously, but I'd never really thought about how I regarded the way I take up space in the world. I started to think maybe I didn't feel as deserving as I originally thought. It seriously felt like a lightbulb had gone off in my brain.
11:05 a.m.: I apologized for taking up space again!! I was in the kitchen with Ehis and she was trying to get by and I was worried I was in her way, so I said sorry. Literally for standing in the kitchen. Although I felt like this was somewhat of a warranted apology, it made me wonder: Was I EVER NOT worried about being in someone's way?? Was this just a permanent state for me???
5:24 p.m.: Ehis reached for some chips in my chip bag and there were no chips. I said sorry for having an empty chip bag.
8:36 p.m.: I was waving my hands at a bar after work (possibly a little tipsy) and bumped a friend's drink. Ice went flying. I felt terrible. You can guess what happened next.
Day 3 Apology Count: 18
I kept on feeling like my apology count would go down but apparently...can't stop won't stop.
I began to realize that most of my apologies had to do with me apologizing for taking up space, and/or a fear of offending other people. I literally hadn't thought about or realized ANY of that before I started counting them. It all felt kinda silly, because I'm a human and I'm allowed to take up space just as much as anyone else. So why was I constantly worried about being in the way or seeming unlikable?
I actually woke up feeling pretty good today! I felt a lot less anxious about counting my apologies and the whole process felt more natural. That being said, I was still apologizing A LOT, so it didn't seem like my behavior was changing much. It was still very unconscious.
Highlights
9:00 a.m.: Another early sorry! When I walked into work I needed to show my badge, but realized I must have left it in my bag. I was digging around for it in front of the security guard for what felt like FOREVER while trying to also have a conversation with a coworker and I was SUPER flustered. As I result I apologized to both of them. I'm pretty sure. To be honest, it was kind of an anxious blur.
I realized through that instance that I sometimes use saying sorry to help defuse situations that make me feel anxious or embarrassed.
11:30 a.m.: I apologized to Ehis for accidentally kicking her foot in a meeting. Why do I kick people's feet so much???
12:12 p.m.: I said sorry in a meeting because I broached a topic that required more discussion than I thought it would, and it made me worried I was steering the meeting in the wrong direction. When in reality, I'm sure no one minded at all. Maybe it was a productive discussion. Obviously everyone felt like it was worth talking about.
8:30 p.m.: I was talking to someone I didn't know super well and one of my Invisalign rubber bands snapped while we were chatting. They noticed and I felt the need to say sorry, mostly because I was self-conscious and embarrassed, and also didn't want to come off as rude.
Quick side note: Adult orthodonture fucking sucks sometimes.
Day 4 Apology Count: 11
Wow! A lot fewer than yesterday!! Something really encouraging was that lots of people I talked to about the experiment were not only super supportive, but they also expressed that they too feel like they over-apologize. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one out there just throwing sorries around like they're candy.
I also began to notice the urge to apologize for things wasn't as strong for certain instances, like being in the way or taking up space.
I woke up feeling eager to be done with this process, but also a bit more empowered??? I was ready to see how the day went with a newfound confidence and vigor since the apology count seemed to be dropping.
Highlights
10:11 a.m.: I apologized to Ehis because my chatting with her made her forget the headline she'd had in mind for an article, and I also said sorry because I made a bad joke and she gave me a look. LOL. The true tragedy was that I couldn't even remember what the joke was.
2:56 p.m.: I said sorry for bumping Daniella's hand on the walk back to the office from lunch. Again, was I just a vessel for rogue limbs???
4:28 p.m.: I said sorry to Ehis for interrupting her and making her lose her train of thought (again).
9:05 p.m.: I said sorry to my roommate's friend because she was looking for the light switch and it was on the other side of the wall?? Like???
Day 5 Apology Count: 9
I was so excited that the count was even LOWER than yesterday!! I started to feel like this experience really did have me changing my behavior, at least a little, subconsciously. Granted, I didn't talk to or interact with as many people because the office tends to be pretty dead on Fridays.
But I also felt like there were certain instances when the urge to apologize just wasn't there, when it totally would have been a few days ago. It didn't feel quite as automatic, which was something I never would've expected.
I woke up once again feeling eager to finish the experiment, a little unsure of how much I'd actually be apologizing since it was the weekend, and also pretty anxious to find out my total count for the full week. Although I'd been counting each of my apologies day by day, I hadn't tallied them for a running total yet. I was wondering if I'd end up breaking 50.
Highlights
12:38 p.m.: I said sorry to my roommate (twice) because she woke up feeling flu-ish and we've all been there. This is the type of "sorry" that, even as this week drew to a close, I continued to stand by. Expressing sorrow for another person's struggles lets them know you care.
7:08 p.m.: LOL I apologized to everyone at dinner because I was telling stories about when I was a host at Olive Garden and got a little too into it.
7:35 p.m.: I said sorry because I splashed water on myself and the table. Everyone else was like, "Why are you apologizing? You literally only got it on yourself."
8:01 p.m.: I said sorry to a skincare clerk while looking at moisturizers. Another run-in where I felt awkward and could have said "excuse me" instead. Apparently I wasn't COMPLETELY over the whole apologizing for taking up space thing, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Day 6 Apology Count: 13
Still relatively high, but I felt a genuine difference in my demeanor. I mostly felt my sorries come out in instances of anxiety, sympathy/empathy, and embarrassment. Not nearly as much for me taking up space, which was sooo nice!!!
The final day!!! I woke up feeling really happy to have made it this far, still ready to be done...and honestly? Pretty proud. This was something that pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to evaluate my behavior in order to understand it better and hopefully improve. Yay for growth!
Highlights
1:38 p.m.: I said sorry to my roommate for getting her name mixed up with our other roommate's name, which happened constantly this past week. Why??? It was like the limbs thing all over again!!!
4:01 p.m.: I said sorry during a group call planning a trip to San Francisco because I was talking and none of my friends could hear me. But in reality it wasn't my fault. It was my shitty Wi-Fi's.
9:16 pm: I said sorry to my roommate walking home from dinner because I realized she brought a friend over earlier in the week that I'd wanted to meet, but I had been in my room and didn't even notice they were over.
Day 7 Apology Count: 6!!!!!
A new low!!! Sure, it could have been because I was a hermit that day, but also, there were still times when prior to this I would have normally said sorry and I didn't. Instead I said "excuse me," "my bad," etc. Soooo I took it as a win.
Overall this experience was very eye-opening and, surprisingly, really empowering. I thought it would be comedic and awkward (which it definitely was), but it was also emotionally taxing, forced me to leave my super-cozy comfort zone, and led to a lot of introspection that wouldn't have happened without this experiment. Here are my main takeaways:
- I apologize A TON. (Duh.)
- I often apologize due to fear that I'm in someone's way, or sometimes just for taking up space in the world. Is this necessary? Hell no!!! I have a right to be on this Earth just as much as everyone else.
- I sometimes apologize for doing things I'm worried will offend others or hurt their feelings, when most of the time the people I'm apologizing to don't even notice what I did in the first place. It's not my job to please everyone, and I don't need to be so hyperaware of my actions. It's alright to cut myself a little slack every once in a while.
- I sometimes use saying sorry as a crutch when I'm in situations that make me feel anxious, guilty, or embarrassed. I feel like it's OK to sometimes use an apology to help defuse negative feelings, but not every single time they happen.
- I sometimes apologize to others to express sympathy or empathy for situations they're facing, which (to me) maybe shows that saying sorry isn't all bad. There's a time and a place for it, and I shouldn't constantly feel like it's a problem!
- While this week truly did help me realize how much I say sorry and where a lot of those apologies can be eliminated, I'm still a work in progress. I'm not going to stop apologizing overnight, and will need to continue to be compassionate, self-aware, and assertive if I want to break this habit.
- And lastly, I REALLY need to get my limbs in check!!! If I'm going to stop apologizing to everyone for accidentally kicking their feet or bumping their hands in public, I'm gonna need to stop letting my arms and legs just roam about at will with reckless abandon. In the meantime, I'll probably still apologize for that. Sorry not sorry!