Hello. In the spirit of being honest this quarantine season, I think I should finally confess that I have never seen the classic, beloved DCOM Brink!.
I know, I know. All I really know about it is that it's about something called "soul skaters" and I think they use rollerblades? Anyway, I decided to give it a whirl as an adult, so let's jump right in.
1.Man, watching this without the iconic DCOM intro isn't nearly as satisfying. Maybe I should pull it up on YouTube just to feel something.
2.Squirting chocolate syrup into your mouth while your disapproving, responsible younger sister looks on? I'm aleady invested.
3.We also get the well-known "I'm a teen and I'm too busy to ever actually eat breakfast" trope.
4.Wait a minute, isn't that the girl who played Lindsay Lohan's friend in Freaky Friday???*
5.Did this guy really just say "chore-ness"?
6.Oh hell yeah, the first of I'm assuming a million skating montages.
7.Lindsay Lohan's friend, aka Gabriella: a feminist icon.
8.Wow, what a creative name for a magazine.
9.Oop, we just got the first "soul skating" name drop!!!
10.X-Blades is the perfect name for a villain skating team and this guy has the perfect teen villain face.
11.OK but the main group's level of friendship is legit warming my heart. I WANNA BE A SOUL SKATER!!!
12.Oh whaddup Louis's dad from Even Stevens?
13.First off, this burn is pretty sick. Second, it took me this long to realize the main character's NAME is BRINK? Everything makes sense now.
14.GABRIELLA IS A FUCKING QUEEEEEEN.
15.A little upset there were never any high-speed skate races for me to watch at my high school, TBH.
16.Can I please just teleport back to California in the late '90s? It looks like a vibe.
17.Welp, Brink's parents are having money issues, and he overheard, so he has to bear that burden. Calling it now that he's gonna try and skate for money.
18.Ah yes, just as I suspected: Brink is considering joining the X-Blades so he can win a lot of money, and we're finally blessed with this iconic line.
19.The hair in this movie really doesn't quit.
20.Alright, so Brink is officially a traitor and on team X-Blades, and apparently his legal name is Andy...or maybe Andrew?
21.I had my suspicions about the dad in this movie being a monster, but this clinches it. He gets Brink a job at a dog groomer, and when Brink says he doesn't know anything about animals, THIS is his response:
22.The music in this movie officially slaps. I just looked up the song that plays during this montage and it's by a '90s ska band called the Suicide Machines. Today's Disney Channel COULD NEVER.
23.Pretending to be sick so you don't have to compete at the invitational with your friends, even though they'll DEFINITELY show up and see you there with the other team? Foolproof.
24.Just as I suspected.
25.Why is Val the Villain dressed like every e-boy I've ever seen on TikTok?
26.Oh I know he DID NOT just say this to my precious Gabriella!!!
27.That's right, tell 'em queen.
28.Oh no and now she's hurt!!! 😭😭😭
29.Brink's trying to explain to Gabriella that he just joined X-Blades for the money and she's over here giving him a lesson in late-stage capitalism.
30.Huh, it turns out he didn't just want to help feed his family! He also wanted the clout!!!
31.Dad is now trying to be cool and accepting of his son, but that's not enough to make me forget what he said about his OWN DAUGHTER.
32.Brink is back with his friends and used his blood money from X-Blades to buy everyone new gear! I love a heartwarming twist!
33.Nope, still not tired of the skating montages.
34.This man nearly dies falling off the ramp so Brink's team can go head-to-head with X-Blades, and we're supposed to be happy about that?
35.Alright, it's the final run and we've got Val, king of the crazy eyes.
36.When I tell you MY HEART IS RACING.
37.Oh god.
38.Don't help the e-boy he'll just betray you.
39.Fucking knew it.
40.Is this how exciting it is to watch normal sports???
41.BRINK FUCKING TAKES IT!!!
42.I'm not crying, you're crying.
43.And would it really be a DCOM if they didn't end it with a classic freeze-frame?
WOW. OK, that was actually, like, REALLY good?! It had heart, great music, and even a touch of diversity?? Guess I'm a soul skater now. Might have to go buy some inline skates later.
