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42 Thoughts I, A Grown-Ass Man, Had While Watching "The Lion King" For The First Time

Sorry in advance for ruining your childhood.

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Unsurprisingly, the one thing I’ve been rebuked for the most in my life so far is not having watched The Lion King.

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Before you scream, "INFIDEL", I admit I screwed up. Watched too much Dragon Ball Z. Got obsessed with papier-mâché. Just so many reasons, man.

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In fact, the only Disney movie I watched when I was a child was Hercules, and that too because I'd heard and loved the soundtrack already.

I am aware that some terrible tragedy occurs in the movie, but I haven't the vaguest idea what it is.

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I'd also like to disclose that I know of only a couple of moments from the film through internet memes, like the "everything the light touches is our kingdom" thing, and some monkey dude holding a lion cub perilously over a cliff.

LET'S DO THIS!

1. I already like this music more than the Frozen soundtrack because the Frozen soundtrack was basically horseshit songwriting.

Thus proving that even when it comes to the music of Disney movies, the '90s was where it was really at.
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Thus proving that even when it comes to the music of Disney movies, the '90s was where it was really at.

2. So this monkey chief dude was hobbling around on a walking stick a moment ago, but suddenly he can hold a newborn baby over a damn cliff? Seems shady.

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Walt Disney Pictures

3. Zazu giving me some mad #AlliterationGoals.

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4. Feel like Scar is the antagonist, but the dude is pretty darn FABULOUS. Don't you deny it.

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5. There's that impostor of a monkey again, doing grafitti without his goddamn walking stick. I don't trust this punk.

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6. So THIS is that famous, overmemed scene. Pretty grand, I'll give it that. Tempted to google what the shadowy place is, though.

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Scar is me at every social gathering ever.

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7. THAT DARK PLACE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT AN ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD SIMBA. DON'T DO DUMB SHIT. LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS. GO TO SCHOOL.

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8. Yup, these are definitely some of the better Disney songs I've heard.

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Riiiiiiiight up there with Hercules. Maybe even better? I dunno. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

9. Sexual tension between Simba and Nala making me feel awkward.

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10. Holy shit that IS an elephant graveyard. I stand corrected. And it is creepy as hell.

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11. These hyenas remind me of Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Especially Ed, the hyena on the far right, who is basically Ed. This can't be a coincidence.

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I am Ed the hyena, unable to contain my laughter in inappropriate situations. Ed the hyena is me.

12. Thank god for Mufasa. Seriously though, Simba. You done fucked up. LISTEN TO YOUR DAD.

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Walt Disney Pictures

13. Gratuitous cruelty to animated zebras. Where the fuck is PETA when you need them?

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14. Ohhhh shit. Scar not content with being the sass king of the jungle he wants to be real king this will not end well.

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Dude's got some mad pipes though. I'd definitely attend the opening night of "Scar: The Musical."

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15. Seriously, has anyone taken notes on Scar's pun game? My man is KILLING.

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16. OK, I stopped typing for the last few minutes because I had my balls in my mouth for that entire stampede. That was some serious shit.

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17. I feel like this is where I'm going to stop liking Scar.

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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18. Mufasa is dead?!!?! HE DIED?!!?!?!??! JUST LIKE DUMBLEDORE?!!?!??!?!!?!??! :'(

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19. Feeling unusually upset right now. Wasn't expecting to be hit by such strong feels.

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FUCK YOU SCAR.

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FUCK YOU SCAR.

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FUCK YOU SCAR. :'(

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YOU EVIL, ELOQUENT BASTARD.

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FUCK YOU.

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20. For a schemer like Scar, he sure does skimp on the quality of his henchmen.

Letting Simba go is going to bite you in the ass guaranteed.
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Letting Simba go is going to bite you in the ass guaranteed.

21. Not sure why the lions are making such a big fuss about a lion-hyena collab. THESE hyenas look like they can get shit done.

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Almost forgot about this dude. Cutting him some slack because I feel he's going to drop some Yoda shit on this bitch.

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22. I know this is Timon and Pumbaa because I had them on a pencil box when I was 8 or something.

Then when I was 9 I bought a Dragon Ball Z pencil box and that was that.
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Then when I was 9 I bought a Dragon Ball Z pencil box and that was that.

Gotta get a tattoo of this Pumbaa quote. It's perfect.

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23. OH MY GOD I DIDN'T KNOW HAKUNA MATATA WAS FROM HERE. I HAVE HEARD OF THIS SONG BEFORE. I AM NOT ENTIRELY IGNORANT.

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Officially a better soundtrack than Hercules.

I'm condemning this casual zebra slaughter. Let it be known. You can't just eat a whole fucking zebra, Simba. Jeez.

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24. Simba's diet is fucked.

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And yet he has grown into a fine-ass lion over the course of about three bars of song. Intriguing.

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Shifting to insect-based diet post-movie.

25. Oh Pumbaa, will you ever learn? Stars are obviously fireflies, stuck up in that big bluish-black thing, like Timon said.

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26. There's monkey Yoda again. Jumping down trees. Not a walking stick in sight. He's on to something though, so I'll let it slide.

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Wow. This insane Yoda monkey with inconsistent usage of walking aids is our last hope. How to feel about this, I do not know.

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27. We're going to lose Pumbaa. I can feel it. Life just isn't fair. And warthogs just aren't fast.

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Oh, wait. It's Nala! Yayyyyyyyyyy.

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28. Wait. "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" is from The Lion King? WHAT THE.

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Hands down one of the most memorable soundtracks, and not just in Disney films.

29. Sexual tension between Nala and Simba doesn't feel all that messed up right now. I'm OK with this.

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Sexual tension replaced with crippling self-loathing. Just like real life.

It ain't your fault, Simbs. Shit happens. Especially stampedes. If you're in a forest.
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It ain't your fault, Simbs. Shit happens. Especially stampedes. If you're in a forest.

30. I swear to god this monkey is on meth.

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Yup, he just called Simba a baboon. This primate is tripping balls.

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31. Oh, wait. I take that back. This is going to be some pivotal, revelatory shit.

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Aaaaaand now he's meditating on a rock. Still trippin'.

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32. I hope this really is Mufasa and not some metaphorical mumbo-jumbo. My heart will not be able to take it.

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33. CALLED IT. That's a reflection, you punk-ass monkey. Way to let a brother down.

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Aaaaaand now he's slipped Simba some acid. Just great.

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34. Wow, it worked. This drug-addled, pseudo-crippled Yoda monkey actually did it. Who'da thunk it.

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35. In a movie filled with amazing songs, I must admit that Timon's luau number is my personal favourite.

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36. This is why you hire quality hitmen, Scar. You can't half-ass a coup and not expect repercussions.

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37. Aaaagh, typical villain behaviour. Shut your damn pie-holes and finish the job for once in your life, antagonists. You idiots never learn.

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Chat shit, get banged, Scar. Chat shit. Get banged.

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38. Amidst this all-out melee, meth-monkey is doing some serious damage. How, I do not know.

(Steroids.)
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(Steroids.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

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39. SIMBA WINS. And the hyenas have also found a temporary solution for their food shortage. Win-win.

40. Feel like "Eye of the Tiger" would be a proper song for this moment.

Wait, wouldn't it be "Eye of the Lion", then?
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Wait, wouldn't it be "Eye of the Lion", then?

41. And just like that, the land is glorious again. No mention of the rehabilitation process which must have included replanting trees, and attracting livestock with lucrative real estate prices.

This is why I don't trust anyone.
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This is why I don't trust anyone.

Let's just hope this heralds a decline in the merciless killing of animated zebras.

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42. Still unsure as to how meth-monkey hasn't managed to drop a child off the cliff yet.

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THE END AND SORRY.