This week, almost all my friends made plans to watch Finding Dory, then severely ostracised me for not having watched Finding Nemo.
I do NOT got a problem, big-eyed blue fish. Just missed a few important moments in my childhood ok?! NOW LET ME MAKE AMENDS AS A FULLY GROWN DUDE.
1.
Which one of these bajillion eggs is Nemo? That's wayyyy too many Nemos, man.
2.
Not sure what fish this is, but it's scientific name has to be something along the lines of Baaaaadus Newsus.
3.
NOOO CORAL GODDAMMIT. STAY INSIDE. LISTEN TO YOUR CLOWNFISH WILL YOU?!?!!?!?
4.
Sigh. RIP Coral and the eggs. Guess this is what happens when you won't stop... clowning around. Hehehe. Sorry.
5.
So THAT is Nemo. Was that the movie, then? Didn't he just, like, find Nemo?
6.
Now Nemo's grown up and oddly excited for school. School is overrated, young Nemo. Calm your exuberant fins.
7.
On the other hand, Nemo's dad needs to start meeting other clownfish already.
8.
So this is Nemo's school. I wonder who the... class clown is, eh? Heheheheheheheheeee. Sorry.
9.
Hahaha they called that boat a BUTT. Hahahaha I can see why people like this movie.
10.
OH MY GOD MARLIN YOU CAN'T JUST SASS YOUR SON IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS. BAD UNDERSEA PARENTING.
11.
See? Turned Nemo into a rebellious clownfish. Now he's gonna go touch the butt.
NO WAIT OH MY GOD NOOOOOOO. NEMOOOOOOOO.
12.
Didn't think it was humanly possible to feel so bad for an animated clownfish. Yet, here we are.
13.
There's something off about this Dory character. Wonder why she got a whole damn movie to herself.
Oh, she's just forgetful. Poor thing. WHY AM I FEELING ALL THESE FEELZ FOR MAKE BELIEVE FISHIES?!
14.
WHOA. Nothing to see here, just a maniacal shark casually lurking in the background. Not scary at all.
15.
Vegetarian sharks???? That's like... unfunny clownfish.
16.
Meanwhile, Nemo's stuck in an aquarium. And THIS is why you don't put fish in an aquarium. They go crazy. They become ... crayfish.
17.
If I had Jacques, I'd be at work two hours early every day. I need a Jacques. We ALL do.
18.
So this is what the prospect of an arranged marriage must feel like.
19.
BLACK FISH DUDE, I KNOW WE'VE ONLY JUST MET. BUT I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE TO MOTIVATE ME.
THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS.
21.
I feel like Dory WILL forget that address. Write that shit down, my dudes.
22.
Tbvvvvh I'm kinda digging the name Sharkbait. Finding Sharkbait would be an infinitely funnier movie title.
23.
Dory still remembers the entire goddamn address and I don't. I stand corrected, and stupid.
24.
Dick move leaving Dory behind, Marlin. She remembers the address better than everyone, okay?!?!
SEE! These fish wouldn't have (literally) pointed out the way if it weren't for Dory. STICK WITH DORY.
25.
Feel like this will be relevant information in the future, but I also feel like they're going to swim over the trench.
SWIM THROUGH THE GODDAMN TRENCH. NOT OVER IT. MARLIN YOU CLOWN. FISH.
26.
Oh, wait. Awww. This squishy wittle jellyfish doesn't look so ba–
Glad they made it out, though I'm seriously doubting the decision-making abilities of clownfish as a species.
27.
Speaking of bad decision making, the aquarium crew has planned a wildly complicated escape plan. FISH MAKE SHIT PLANS.
GODDAMMIT NOOOOO NOOOOO WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS.
Damn right, you're done. Quit fishin' around.
28.
THIS STONER TURTLE HAS BEEN ON SCREEN FIVE SECONDS AND HE IS ALREADY MY FAVOURITE.
AND DORY IS ALIVE TOO! THANK YOU STONERTLE AND CREW. <3
AND THEY'RE COMING TO GET NEMO/SHARKBAIT. ALL IS NOT LOST.
29.
You know what I always say. It ain't an ocean movie until you get swallowed by a big-ass whale.
30.
Well, that's one way of getting to Sydney, I suppose. Must try aerowhaling instead of flying the next time round.
31.
Holy shit, Darla's about to arrive anytime now, isn't she?
Yup, that is hands down the scariest child I've seen in my whole life.
32.
They're going to enter the dentist's in the beak of a goddamn Pelican, aren't they?
33.
CHILL OUT, MARLIN, HE'S OBVIOUSLY PLAYING DEAD. DON'T JUST JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.
34.
Okay, getting flushed down the sink is far less degrading than being flushed down the poophole.
35.
BRB while I pick up the thousand shattered pieces of my heart off the ocean bed.
36.
NEMO AND DORY HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER! THANK YOU WHOEVER IS THE GOD OF FISH. I'm thinking Poseidon.
YESSSSSSSSS. Faith in good things restored.
OMG NOOOOOOOO. POSEIDON ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!
WHAT KIND OF IRONIC ENDING TO A MOVIE IS THIS?!!?!
37.
BELIEVE IN HIM YOU PIECE OF SHIT. THAT'S WHAT THE BLASTED MOVIE IS ABOUT.
38.
SWIM DOOOOOOOWN. YESSSS. #Teamwork #StrengthNoWeakness #ExtremeFishness
39.
Phew. Now just don't be dead or something, man. I've invested too many emotions into this.
40.
NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE THIS HAPPY TO KNOW A MAKE-BELIEVE ANIMATED CLOWNFISH IS ALIVE.
41.
Moral of the story? Just let your kids do their thang, parents!
42.
All's well that ends whale, I guess. Unless you're in an aquarium. Whatever happened to those poor dudes?
OH THEY MADE IT OUT TOO! All's well that ends whale AF right there.
OK BRB GOING TO WATCH FINDING DORY NOW OKAY?! OKAY BYEEEEEEEEE. <3 <3 <3
