10 Reasons You Will Be Totally Fat In 2014

We know, dieting is hard. Finding food like this on the shelf of your local grocery store does not help. You only live once, let’s make it covered in chocolate and salty snacks.

1. Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups

I cannot fathom anything tastier than this concoction that Nestle plans to unleash into the wild in early 2014.

2. Gingerbread Twix

Great! Now that everything pumpkin flavored is over, I can nosh on these until the season is over. Terrific.

3. Baby Ruth Quesadilla

Oh boy! Let’s take a yummy Baby Ruth and melt it into a tortilla. Plan on melting anything else into a tortilla? Doesn’t matter. I’m sure I will eat that too.

4. Skittles Desserts

Let’s make candy that tastes like other desserts that I will want to eat too. Yes, candy that tastes like raspberry sorbet, strawberry milkshake, key lime pie, blueberry tart, and orange cream.

5. Lay’s Wavy Potato Chips Dipped In Chocolate

Let’s do as nature originally intended and mate cocoa beans with potatoes. At some point this doesn’t even count as potato, but who cares. Yum.

6. Chuck E Cheese Cheesy Chicken Nuggets

“Here’s the plan! We’ll take our rodent mascot and have him shill these poor chickens that have been torn apart and combined into these tiny breaded nuggets, then we’ll inject this ‘cheese’ in them. You can’t see me, but I just did air-quotes around cheese. Children will kill to eat these.”

7. Confetti Cupcake Pebbles Cereal

Attention parents: If this is not cheap enough, you can just get a bag of sugar and pour that directly into a bowl or better yet, just inject it directly into your child’s veins.

8. Pebbles Sugar Cookie Flavor Cereal

Ugh. Thanks Pebbles cereal, now I have nothing to say after the last one.

9. Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts

Everyone knows that Pop-Tarts, much like Oreos, has been experimenting with different combinations of flavors recently, but at some point it’s just easier to buy cookies.

10. Cap’N Crunch Chocolately Peanut Butter Snack Mix

Cap’n Crunch will soon retire and be replaced by the new Cap’n Diabetes.

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