Weddings

31 People Who Are Really Nailing This Whole Marriage Thing

“I’m at the level of marriage where ‘getting lucky tonight’ just means we’re having tacos for dinner.”

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Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl)
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We're assembling a crib from Ikea... Which option on their toll free number gets you a marriage counselor?

— Mommy Honesty (@momesty)
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Well, well, well. If it isn't that thing I told my wife I already did.

— Mike McNeil (@MikeMcNeil_)
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Marriage is basically just eating together and watching HGTV until you die.

— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin)
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I've been married for about 45 lbs.

— Sparky ️ (@crunchenhanced)
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I'm at the level of marriage where "getting lucky tonight" just means we're having tacos for dinner.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer)
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[sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland)
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My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox)
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Wife: Make the hotel reservation for date night. Me: Hey, Hilton. Can you charge my card for a place my wife & I can go to sleep in at 9pm.

— Lance Burson (@lanceburson)
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Hey baby it's Friday night, why don't you get into something more comfortable that you can wear all weekend because we have no laundry left.

— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86)
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Marriage is basically peeing with the door open and not caring.

— Amber (@Amburglar_)
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Me on deathbed: One last thing before I die? Husband: *in tears* Yes? M: Change the toilet paper roll H: *pulls out my breathing tubes*

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses)
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My husband's so smart. He's prepared for the Apocalypse by leaving pants puddled on the family room floor so he can make a quick exit.

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside)
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Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.

— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo)
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Marriage is essentially being able to watch another person eat chicken wings without throwing up.

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha)
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MARRIED SEXTING: I'm not wearing any underwear...because you never put the laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 flipping times.

— Christie Johnson (@cjohnsonking5)
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I’d like to publicly thank my husband @daxshepard1 for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…

— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell)
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I just googled, "how to get away with killing my husband" on @IMKristenBell phone. Just in case. Now there's a record.

— dax shepard (@daxshepard1)
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99% of marriage is waiting in the car for your spouse.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes)
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I think my husband cleaned the bathroom, but I can't tell. How do you tell?

— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha)
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Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

— Goats? (@hazelmotes1)
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*rolls over & taps wife's shoulder to wake her* So it was "An American Tail" & not 'Tale' because Fievel was a mouse, right?

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective)
28.

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon)
29.

My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland)
30.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries. Wife: Congratulations. [2 hours later] Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35)
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ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you’re not going to share ME: I am not going to share

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod)

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