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    10 Red Flags You're Dating An Asshat, 5 Tips To Dodge 'Em

    Not sure you're involved with an Asshat? (i.e. human who wears their ass as a hat) This list will un-hat them and tell you how to pick better!

    10 Red Flags You're Dating an Asshat, 5 Tips to Dodge 'Em

    Asshats cross all gender barriers. If you're a man, just swap the pronouns.

    Red Flags:

    1. He Never Does What He Says He'll Do.

    He doesn't call when he says he will. He doesn't show up when he should. You frequently think he may be dead, then want to kill him when he's not.

    2. He's Angry and Grumpy for No Apparent Reason.

    He won't talk to you and you don't know why. There are long awkward silences that make you want to bash him in the face with your running shoe.

    3. He Secretly Cheats on You.

    He overtly cheats on you. He cheats on you in a box, with a fox, wearing socks. He tries to make you feel crazy and paranoid when you offer your suspicions. When he is caught in the act he gets mad at you for being mad at him because he cheated on you.

    4. You Frequently Try to Break up with Him, but You Just Can't Quit Him.

    5. You Suddenly Get Religion.

    You pray for God to make him faithful. When that doesn't work you pray for God to help you to stop loving him. When that doesn't work you think God might be an Asshat too.

    6. You Start Therapy, a 12-step Group, Kaballah.

    You speak in tongues. Predominantly four-letter words.

    7. You Do Weird Shit to Manage Your Emotions in the Relationship.

    You start wearing crystals to clear your chakras, do acupuncture to bring flow to your Qi. Eat herbs that constipate you. Become a regular at the Mystic Journey bookstore on Abbot Kinney where you buy over-priced Buddhas and nausea-inducing incense.

    8. You see a Shaman, a Psychic, a Past-Lives Medium.

    Your hypnotist fires you because you're too anxious to hypnotize and he feels bad taking your money.

    9. You Live in the Self-Help Aisle of Barnes & Noble reading the New Edition of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus

    You try to wait for your man to come out of his "cave." You realize his cave is another woman's vagina.

    10. You're Unhappy All of the Time.

    You feel lonely, desperate, grasping and fated to live your life forever dissatisfied and alone.

    5 Tips For Dodging Asshats Entirely:

    1. Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Allow Your Genitals to Choose a Relationship.

    Just don't do it! There's a reason some cultures still insist on chaperones and on arranged marriages. Because they don't trust vaginas to make good choices. (If you're male just insert penis every time you see vagina.)

    2. Wait to Have Sex.

    This is the follow-up to #1 because you really need time to get your vagina to simmer down. Shoot for two months. Few Asshats can pretend to be good people for longer than two months before they crack under the pressure.

    3. Come to Know in Your Very Bones that You Are Lovable Enough, Attractive Enough, Talented Enough, Worthy Enough to Be Treated with Respect.

    I offer you these examples: Selena Gomez, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry and the beat goes on. These are ostensibly some of the most beautiful, talented women in the world. All female cuckholds (aka "cuckqueans").

    People who lie, cheat and emotionally abuse you aren't doing it because you're not worthy. Chances are they've behaved the same way with partners that came before you and will continue said-behavior with partners who arrive after you've made your escape.

    Damaged people do damage. And it's not about you. Unless you let them in.

    4. Avoid the "Familiar" if You Come from a Home Filled to the Rafters with Damaged People.

    If you come from a home with parents who participated in opium-den orgies, do NOT pick someone who reminds you of your dad.

    5. Give the Regular Guy/Gal a Chance.

    Yes, I know you want to date Chris Hemsworth. Who doesn't want to date Chris Hemsworth?

    Reality check, he falls for women like Elsa Pataky who's a cross between Jennifer Lawrence and Venus on the Half Shell.

    Start picking people in your ballpark. There are myriad lovely people out there who are capable of loving us back to Happiness. And once we are able to let that love in, they are no longer too short, too round, too white, too black, too hairy, too hairless, too flabby, too muscular. They are, quite simply, ours.

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