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21 Stages Of "I'm Never Drinking Again"

"I know I've said this a million times, but this time I'm SERIOUS."

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1. You jolt awake on a couch.

ozzymustaine / Via

So glad I'm at my friend's apartment and not some rando's place. How did I get here? Whose sweatpants and sweater am I wearing? There's my dress and clutch on the my phone in there? God, please let my phone be in there.

2. You frantically open your clutch and search for your cards and phone.

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YASSSS they are all in there. Dammit, my phone is off...time to show my face and ask my friend to borrow her charger. Shitttttt.

3. You tiptoe to the bathroom and gulp down handfuls of water straight from the sink.


WOWWWWW I feel like ass. How many drinks did I have? I think I had like 8 beers? AND that final shot of Crown Royale...OMG I also swigged my friend's wine straight from the bottle...fack.

4. You look in the mirror and deep into your eyeliner and mascara-smeared eyes.

jmuprobz / Via

UGH my face is so feels like a mushy potato. I better get all the gunk out of my eyes before I see other humans. WHOSE outfit am I wearing??! Did I dress myself last night or did my friend dress me? Did I pee myself?

5. You go into your friend's room and see that she is awake too.

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"Hey girl, I had a lot of fun last night. Can I borrow your charger? Thanks. What a blast, I feel like poo. Are any of the others awake yet? No? Okay, sweet, I'll be in the living room."

6. Your phone finally turns on and your heart starts racing.

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Did I post any drunk ass Insta's and Snaps? What if I liked a hundred Facebook statuses or a picture on someone's page from 3 years ago? That would be SO creepy. Dear Jesus, please make it so I didn't drunk text or call my ex. PLEASEEEEE.

7. You delete all of your ratchet Snaps.

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l look HAMMED. Who the hell is that guy I'm talking to? There's me drinking ANOTHER beer. WOW now I remember those Water Moccasin shots. How many people watched this Snap? 32?! AAAAHHHH DELETE!

8. You sit back on the couch and stare at a wall.

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Well, I know I had fun but I really can't remember anything past midnight...I posted that last Snap at 1:50 a.m. so that means I was blacked out for like two hours...TWO HOURS.

9. You start remembering some of your terrible decisions from last night.

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Why was I talking to that creep dude for so long? Was I even saying words or was I just babbling incoherently? Is that pizza sauce on my arm? UGHHH yup, we went to Mesa Pizza last night. WHY DID I TAKE THAT LAST SHOT OF CROWN?

10. You open your bank account app and start crying when you see your statement.

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I spent $85 on booze and Ubers. $85?!?!! HOLY EFF I shouldn't have bought everyone and their mom that round of shots. I NEED TO START BEING A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

11. The post-drinking anxiety kicks in. / Via

Did I do anything stupid? I feel like my friend is not telling me something. Should I ask her if I was "that girl"? I don't want to seem paranoid…omg what if I kissed my friend again like I did those other times? SHIT.

12. Squad all wakes up and someone mentions brunch.

Via The Huffington Post Canada

WHAT AN AWESOME IDEA. I'm going to get a fat ass breakfast burrito and a side of pancakes. And hash browns. And smother everything in Sriracha. The Vikings are also playing at noon so this is PERFECT.

13. On the ride to brunch you announce that this is the start of your new life.

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"I know I say this ALL the time, but I am never drinking again. I get too crazy and my body can't handle it anymore. I need to figure out my life. I don't know my limits anymore so I'm just going to cut out alcohol. Stop laughing, I'm serious. Don't you believe in me???"

14. You enter brunch heaven and see all the other hungover AF zombies who also arrived from Wasted World.

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Wow, everyone looks like hot garbage this morning. I'm glad I'm not the only one wearing sweatpants. Ooooo there is a Bloody Mary bar over there...STOP LOOKING AT IT CUZ YOU'RE DONE WITH DRINKING FOREVER.

15. You look at the menu and avoid the section about Sunday Funday drank specials.

Xclusive Touch / Via

Hmmm…DEF getting water and I'll be healthy and order the veggie omelet as the start of this new clean lifestyle I am living. I'll just put a lot of Sriracha on it so it doesn't taste so boring and sad.

16. The whole group orders the Bloody Mary bar and you get jealous.

Julia Busshardt / Via

Those pickles looked so crisp, and they even have little bowls of blue cheese and stuffed olives. I also saw those little baby corn things I love and pickled asparagus. I bet their house-made Bloody Mary mix is bomb AF. Oh well, if only…

17. You chug down your entire glass of water and one of your friends offers you a sip of her Bloody Mary masterpiece.

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SO DELICIOUS. The mix is bursting with so many spices! Awww look at that picturesque little stick of garnishes…cheddar and pepperjack cheese cubes, a hunk of salami, a mini tomato, two of my favorite little baby corn things…

18. You get raging FOMO.

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You know, maybe I don't need to cut out alcohol entirely. It's all about learning and practicing moderation. I can have one or two drinks and not go overboard. Today is a new, clean slate and I am going to start practicing moderation RIGHT NOW.

19. “Excuse me, I’d also like to do the Bloody Mary bar. Thanks!”


Look at this Bloody Mary art! I LOVE that they do beer chasers out here…ADDED TO THE SNAP STORY! This omelet is actually pretty tasty. Is it just me, or is everyone getting livelier? THE VIKINGS JUST GOT ANOTHER TOUCHDOWN! YESSSS!

20. You all finish your Bloodys and ask the server about other Sunday Funday specials.

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"Bottomless mimosas for just $8 with an entrée? What a great deal! Let's all do it! Girl, you get the strawberry one and I'll get the regular one, then let's try each other's. Fack it, let's try all the flavors today…OH. HELL. YEAH.

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