Ranking The Amazing Songs Of "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

Sing it with me: She's so broken inside!

Have you watched The CW's fantastic musical-comedy Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Oh, you know, the one starring Golden Globe and Critic's Choice Award-winner Rachel Bloom? No? Well that needs to be remedied immediately. In fact, go watch the entire first season and then come back to this list.

Done? Great. There's some minor spoilers ahead.

Now let's countdown the whopping 46 original songs (including reprises) that appeared in the show's stellar first season, shall we? I'm just saying...they're all great.

46. "Clean Up On Aisle 4"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "Cause I'm the pimiento to your olive, I wanna be inside of you"

Aw, Marty (Hunter Stiebel). Your quest for love is a noble one. You do have some interesting wordplay going on with food but sadly you must be at the bottom of the list. It's not you, it's me. Keep on keeping on.

45. "Romantic Moments"

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Choice Quote: "Or maybe he did a little. We're not really sure!"

Keeping it short and simple, this montage song capturing the feeling I'm sure a lot of us have had in trying to understand what are interactions mean to the other people we spend our time with.

44. "Settle for Me (Reprise)"

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Choice Quote: "As soon as I’m done peeing, it’s time to start being a bit more realistic than I’ve been..."

What's not to love about having some solid, introspective thought in a Port-a-Potty? A Taco Festival probably wasn't the best place to do it at, however.

43. "Angry Mad"

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Choice Quote: "My heart is hurting and it feels bad!"

In this rock-solid Footloose parody, Josh Chan (Vincent Rodriguez III) works out his feelings in the only way he can: some angry Tae Kwon Do.

42. "Where Is The Rock?"

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Choice Quote: "That would be a super weird crime!"

Worth it just for the final "Oh my God! He's turning over the rock!"

41. "His Status Is... Preferred"

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Choice Quote: "And I have to stop my eyes from drifting downward towards his crotch!"

To reiterate, every song on this list is great. Because there's so much quality to go around, hilarious songs like this one sung by Paula (played by the impeccable Donna Lynne Champlin) in a slow jazz club unfortunately can't always make it to the top of the list. Her ode to Calvin Young's (Cedric Yarbrough) executive status is still an absolute delight.

40. "Flooded with Justice (Reprise)"

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Choice Quote: "Yes, we never saw the lies until you opened our eyes."

It's because of this reprise that I find myself chanting "Slow clap! Slow clap!" every other day in my head. I'm not crazy. It's more nuanced than that.

39. "I Love My Daughter (But Not In a Creepy Way)"

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Choice Quote: "One day she’ll fall in love and I’ll give her away. Not like I ever had her, what a weird thing to say."

Oh, Darryl (Pete Gardner). We'll talk more about you a little further down the list, but you have to be more careful with how you phrase things. Bonus points for the hilarious use of stock footage!

38. "West Covina (Reprise)"

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Choice Quote: "See the blood rushing to my cheeks. Hear me shout when I try to speak..."

The songs of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend are pitch-perfect when it comes to clever lyrics, as you may have noticed. Acting as the ending of the pilot, this first reprise of "West Covina" is particularly special with it's pairing of "Kick it into high gear" and "Julia Roberts and Richard Gere."

37. "Having a Few People Over"

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Choice Quote: "At this point you’re probably aware I’m having a few people over."

What a way to turn a simple montage of Darryl preparing for a small get-together into a ridiculous dance rave. Fromage!

36. "I'm in a Sexy French Depression"

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Choice Quote: "Oui. Je suis garbage."

I mean, how else would you want to be depressed? Walking slowly and eating chocolate seems pretty good to me.

35. "A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes"

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Choice Quote: "You’re never gonna miss all those nightmares in which you tend to die!"

Super props to Vincent Rodriguez III for giving each Josh boy band member a distinct voice that sounds straight out of NSYNC or whatever other group you prefer. And of course their specialty is also in love.

34. "West Covina (Second Reprise)"

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Choice Quote: "It’s logical, it’s obvious, it all makes perfect sense. And I’m just so happy that you’re here!"

What a sweet way to kick off the second half of the season. In a rather emotionally strenuous episode, this return to the first song of the show acts as a sort of release along with significant development in Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) and Josh's relationship.

33. "Dear Joshua Felix Chan"

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Choice Quote: "We’re like Tristan and Isolde. Ancient lovers, rotting desperately in the forest!"

Speaking of sweet Rebecca/Josh scenes...this is not one. Sure, teenage Rebecca was a bit eccentric, but man was the letter sweet. Stop laughing!

32. "Textmergency"

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Choice Quote: "I once group texted my whole staff about my yeast infection!"

This song features the ghost of Steve Jobs. That is all.

31. "Don't Settle For Me"

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Choice Quote: "Shut up and listen to my wise reprise."

Here is my simple request, show: We need more Heather (Vella Lovell) singing in season two. It's required. You have no choice.

30. "I'm So Good at Yoga (Explicit)"

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Choice Quote: "I'm not afraid of clowns and trains."

Valencia (Gabrielle Ruiz) easily follows into show villains that you love to hate, and this song definitely solidifies this status that equal parts awful and hilarious. Panther!

29. "I Could If I Wanted To"

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Choice Quote: "Whoopty-frickin doo, if I wanted to, this song sucks!"

Ladies and gentlemen: Greg (Santino Fontana). An especially great part of this song was that it's filmed entirely in one shot. That's some impressive staging.

28. "Cold Showers"

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Choice Quote: "Cold water is drugs! Yeah!"

I'm automatically all-in if you parody "The Music Man" so seeing a crowd of people change "Crack!" over and over again is just the right spin that leaves a smile on your face long after the song has ended.

27. "I Give Good Parent (Explicit)"

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Choice Quote: "Your home’s such a beautiful, comfortable space. Like my pussy, you too have wonderful taste!"

Alright, here's where the list starts getting really tough. Honestly I'd stop the number rankings right here, but woe is me, we gotta keep 'em going. Actress Amy Hill is simply marvelous in this. That grill!

26. "Where's the Bathroom?"

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Choice Quote: "Oh, did you hear – A bishop in Wisconsin said something anti-Semitic so the temple has decided to boycott cheddar cheese—"

If this fast-paced song doesn't solidify Tovah Feldshuh as a national treasure I don't know what will. Must be weird to see Deanna Monroe from The Walking Dead sing, huh?

25. "Women Gotta Stick Together"

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Choice Quote: "Women gotta stick together! All across this land...except Denise Martinez, that bitch I cannot stand!"

Valencia only gets two songs this season and "Women Gotta Stick Together" is the easy highlight. In musicals my favorite kind of songs are the ones that perfectly encapsulate a character (think "Out There" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame) and Valencia strumming a guitar and doling out insults is a prime example of this.

24. "Flooded with Justice"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television NEtwork

Choice Quote: "Can you hear a trickling sound? That’s the faulty faucet of truth. It’s a drip, drip, drip, that will make you go 'What is that?!'”

I'm always up for a good Les Mis parody, and throwing in a random cameo in the middle of it just makes this song even better. Also, word to the wise: Pay attention to White Josh (David Hull) during the video. Supposedly he was added into the song at the last minute and everything he does is great. More White Josh for season two, please!

23. "Gettin' Bi"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "But that’s not it cause bi’s legit! Whether you’re a he or a she we might be a perfect fit."

Darryl realizing he's bisexual is a lot bigger of a deal than you may realize, and his big coming out song "Gettin' Bi" is just another step in a great subplot as he rejects many common misconceptions about being "bothsexual."

22. "Put Yourself First"

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Choice Quote: "They’ll be like damn, you’re hot! Let’s buy a house in Portland!"

As you can surely tell by now, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend does fantastic parodies, and this riff of Fifth Harmony is no exception. Bonus points for the photographer with "MALE GAZE" written on his shirt.

21. "Group Hang"

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Choice Quote: "I’m so afraid of horses."

I never really took into consideration how bizarre Jalapeño Jack's is until this song. Watch out for those horses galloping dramatically in the water.

20. "What'll It Be?"

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Choice Quote: "Am I doomed to stay here pouring my high school friends beers for the rest of eternity?"

Greg just might be my favorite character on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I don't know, his cynicism speaks to me on a serious level. And yes, I do know he has another big song on the show. We'll get to that later.

19. "California Christmastime"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "The kids get lots of toys on Christmas morn’ ‘cause daddy makes big bucks directing porn."

As the only true ensemble number of the season, "California Christmastime" gets an automatic spot higher on this list along with just being hilarious. I may not be California native, but my home state of Texas' hot Winter weather isn't too different. Not a lot of white reggae bands, however.

18. "JAP Battle (Explicit)"

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Choice Quote: "Are you AP graded? ‘Cause these days, you look a bit heavily weighted!"

That's Jewish American Princess, to be clear. Being a bit of a broken record, it almost seems like a crime for this to be so low on this list with such amazing burns like the one quoted above. So it goes, I guess.

17. "I Have Friends"

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Choice Quote: "Objectively, I can say that I have all the friends!"

Admittedly this song speaks to me on a spiritual level as it deals with the serious anxiety of feeling like you're alone. It helps that the whole song is backed by music that wouldn't be out of place in a Disney Channel theme song. I wonder if Jason ever matured from Dance Dance Revolution to Guitar Hero.

16. "Face Your Fears"

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Choice Quote: "Stars aren't that hot!"

At least Paula means well. With those sharp sound effects I'm seriously concerned those kids are holding real super-sized scissors.

15. "I'm the Villain In My Own Story"

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Choice Quote: "Why are you doing this? I’m Kate Hudson."

What even needs to be said about this song? Rachel Bloom absolutely nails that witch laugh.

14. "I Gave You a UTI"

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Choice Quote: "My penis is the reason you may die, die, die!"

Who knew urinary tract infections could lead to such an infectiously catchy song? I must admit it's super weird to see Greg smile so much, but we'll let him have this one.

13. "Heavy Boobs"

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Choice Quote: "Here is a list of all of the objects that I can hold under my boobs: Stapler, 10 pencils, paperback copy of Arabian Nights, dog bowl, remote control, hard back copy of Wuthering Heights."

I'm a guy and I felt sympathy back pain just by re-watching this video. Now I know they're just sacks of yellow fat. Like the stuffing of a couch.

12. "Sex With a Stranger"

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Choice Quote: "Is that a gun?! Oh, thank God, it's just your penis."

I may or may not sing the "your balls smell weird" rap to myself in public. It's a problem and it almost made this song end up closer to #1, but it'll have to settle for 12. Most people don't know about the window!

11. "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Theme"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "She's so broken inside!"

Whenever I try to explain the premise of this show to anyone I find it easier to simply show them the theme song. It's succinct and hints at the show's dark wit to give the random person a good idea of what the show's all about.

10. "One Indescribable Instant"

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!!!MAJOR SHOW SPOILERS IN THIS VIDEO!!!

If you really want to listen to it but not get spoiled, here's an audio-only version.

Choice Quote: "The only words you’ll need are I love you."

Lea Salonga. That is all. Mic drop.

9. "You Stupid Bitch"

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Choice Quote: "You’re just a poopy little slut who doesn’t think, and deceives the people she loves"

Leave it to Rachel Bloom to turn "poopy little slut" into a line in a song that's equal parts tragic and funny as hell. "You Stupid Bitch" is yet another song that captures the mental state of Rebecca, especially here where she's perhaps at her lowest point.

8. "Oh My God I Think I Like You"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "But as my body’s getting ruined like, really trashed, I only wanna look in your eyes."

"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" had an interesting journey to reach our television sets. Originally the pilot was shot for premium cable network Showtime before being passed on and ending up at The CW. Switching from premium cable to network means that the content of the show was toned down, and while it's still TV-14 it's pretty great how much they're able to get away with. Case in point: "Oh My God I Think I Like You."

7. "After Everything I've Done For You"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "That’s right, I make yoga class schedules! There’s no limit to where my reach is!"

Again, Paula means well. She's definitely not completely in the wrong here, however. Donna Lynne Champlin just might be the MVP of the show and this song really shows off her powerhouse vocal talent. Be right back, listening to this one on repeat.

6. "Dream Ghost"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "It’s not clear if I’m hallucinated or actually magic. Let’s leave it vague, it’s more interesting that way!"

This one almost made it to #1, folks. It's just that perfect. With surprise guest appearances from Ricki Lake and Amber Riley, "Dream Ghost" just might be the most fun and catchy song in the first season. Also I can't get enough of that "outside window" part of the song towards the beginning. The facial expressions of Rachel Bloom and Michael Hyatt are absolutely priceless.

5. "West Covina"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "What a feeling of love in my gut. I’m falling faster than the middle school’s music program was cut."

Top 5, people! We're in the Top 5!

Bet you were wondering when this one was going to show up, huh? As the very first number of the show, "West Covina" goes big (with pretzels, I mean) and establishes the state of denial Rebecca lives in as she makes the sudden change from New York to a town two hours from the beach (four in traffic).

4. "Feelin' Kinda Naughty"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "Sorry I said that creepy stuff out loud. That was super rando."

This song's perfect marriage of dark comedy and Katy Perry parody solidified this show as a must-watch for me. The out-of-nowhere Liberace reference is just the cherry on top.

3. "Settle for Me"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "Little girl, don’t make me feel like a little girl. Exposed and raw, whose boobs can’t even fill a training bra. ...Let’s pretend I didn’t say that."

These Top 3 songs could easily be switched out to be #1, so it's tough. What I'd argue could be the song heard in auditions 'round the world, "Settle for Me" just works on every level from staging, choreography, to the hilarious lyrics. Listen to it again and again! Team Greg!

2. "The Sexy Getting Ready Song (Explicit)"

youtube.com / Via The CW Television Network

Choice Quote: "Body rolls are really hard."

There's a reason why this song went viral after being put online. It's a very real struggle portrayed here in the brilliant comedic stylings of Rachel Bloom. I mean, what else is there to say? Just watch it for yourself to understand why Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the best comedy on television. However, there can only one #1 choice...

1. "I'm a Good Person (Explicit)"

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Choice Quote: "Newflash, fuckwads: I’m a good person."

While the theme song is a great showcase of the show for any newcomer, whenever someone needs more convincing I show them "I'm a Good Person." It's just so, so great. As you may have noticed a few of these songs have "explicit" versions that most definitely didn't make it to air for their stronger language. Most times I can take or leave the explicit or the clean version, but here it has to be the dirtier one all the way. The increased vulgarity only emphasizes the absurdity of the sequence from Rebecca's, er, colorful hand motions to her more angry language. It's hilarious, perfect, and never gets old. In other words, the perfect musical number for "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend."

And that's it until the next season! Agree with my choices? Disagree? Let me know in the comments what your favorite song from the show is! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to so sing this whole soundtrack obnoxiously loud in my car.