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21 Things I Learnt From Dilwale

Regardless of my negative thoughts to the film, the box office of Dilwale speaks for itself. Earning 100 crore worldwide in its first weekend, there is a definitive audience for this Rohit Shetty paisa vasool movie. What worries me are the lessons that this 'family entertainer' is giving out to the masses. FYI Let's not take this too seriously - it is a film, after all :)

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1. It's perfectly safe for girls to hitchhike with complete strangers.

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Ishita (Kriti Sanon), a hot damsel in distress spots a BMW driven by boy racer Veer (Varun Dhawan) and flags him down for a lift. As you do.

2. You can’t fire your younger sibling – no matter how much they suck at their job.

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In a bid to get the girl he fancies to her appointment on time, Veer rushes through traffic properly totalling the pimped-out BMW his brother Raj (Shah Rukh Khan) has put in his care. He then falls asleep at work (a lot) to wake up to find parts of the cars he was supposed to be fixing up have now gone missing. But Veer is Raj's hola-bhala bhaijan so no matter what an unreliable nincompoop he is, all is forgiven. It's only a few crore rupees worth of work going missing, right?

3. Thievery is fine if it’s for a girl.

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Sidhu (Varun Sharma) happily goes about setting up best friend Veer for the fall as he steals and sells car parts (and cars!) to a competing dealer by drugging his coffee with sleeping pills. When Veer discovers what his 'best friend' has been doing, he's more than a little miffed. That is, until he discovers that he's been doing it in the name of love - having a girlfriend is apparently a very expensive business in this day and age.

4. Thievery is fine if it’s for a brother. / Via

Money Bhai (Johnny Lever) is caught stealing and bought to Raj for a good serving of supreme justice. But when Money Bhai confesses that he's doing all of this for his starving younger brother, Raj not only forgives him, but gives him his blessing with the contents of his wallet. I mean, who needs a good honest salary these days?

5. As a retired mafia warlord, it can be difficult to keep your ego in check.

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When Raj discovers that Veer has been beaten up by one of Goa’s most dangerous gangs, he goes to find them and repay the favour, but not before leaving them with the message that his name is “Kaali”.

7. It’s wrong to involve your bloodline in the family mafia business. / Via

Randheer Bakshi (Vinod Khanna) pleads with his adopted son Raj to promise that he will never tell Veer that they don't share the same blood in order to keep him away from the mafia world.

So it’s fine to involve your adopted son in the family mafia business.

8. Girls can be damn accepting (aka Guys can be damn gullible!)

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Raj asks new totty Meera (Kajol) out on a date and confesses his whole lifestyle of being a killer, a gangster, a smuggler. And Meera doesn't bat an eyelid, accepting him with open arms.

As she herself is a killer, a gangster, a smuggler and one devious playaaaaa!

12. Kids. It’s immoral to take drugs. But it’s fine to get hammered around an open fire. / Via

As wholesome family entertainment as a Shah Rukh Khan film is, it's only right to show Veer burning a large stash of drugs, vocally admitting his concern to the lives that it may destroy. Whilst burning an open fire and merrily getting sloshed on kaju feni.

13. Goa is THE place to start over.

Red Chillies Entertainment

Gangster Meera needs to get away from crime-stricken Bulgaria and start afresh. So she opens up a cafe in Goa.

Gangster Raj needs to get away from crime-stricken Bulgaria and start afresh. So he opens up a car garage in Goa.

14. Come to think of it, fate has a great way of bringing people together.

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Ishita needs to get her scooter fixed, and what a surprise - the guy who randomly gave her a lift earlier works there as a mechanic!

Veer drops off the fixed scooter at Ishita's, and what a surprise - his entire friend group are just happening to pass by!

You move to the other side of the planet to escape the lover who supposedly scorned you, and what a surprise - not only do you live minutes away from one another, but your younger siblings that you've kept in the dark have both fallen in love with each other!

15. You can’t get married unless you have the approval of your father.

Neither Raj nor Meera are comfortable with getting married without the approval of their fathers. Even when their fathers want nothing more than to see the end of each other.

16. You can’t get married unless you have the approval of your older sibling.

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Neither Veer nor Ishita are comfortable with getting married without the approval of their siblings. Even though their siblings want nothing more than to see the end of each other.

17. Siblings are more important than your other halves.

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Veer says he won’t ever leave his brother, even for Ishita.

Ishita won’t stand up for Veer, no matter how out of order big sis' behaviour gets - not only asking Veer never to see his bro again, but then also spilling the fact that they're not related. Burn!

18. Pretty girls lack brain cells. / Via

Jenny (Chetna Pande) isn't the sharpest tool in the box. She doesn't figure out the shady nature of either her brother or her boyfriend, and once she does, she doesn't really care. Nor does she raise an eyebrow when the man she intends to marry goes off on a public soliloquy on what a blatant golddigger she is. But so pretty.

19. When employees get drunk, they fail to do their job properly.

Red Chillies Entertainment

When Money Bhai gets Veer to give druglord King's car a makeover in order to make it unrecognisable, Veer gives it a good paint, replaces the alloys, but how on earth would he forget to remove the custom made steel crown on the car's bumper? Was probably still flying high as a kite on the kaju feni.

20. A female gangster loses her edge with age.

Yash Raj Films / Via

For the final scene between Raj and King, with all the fight seen in Meera pre-interval, you'd think she'd give her beloved a helping hand when he's having to fight off numerous genders. But no, like a Joey in a porno, she just stands there and watches.

21. Kids. It's immoral to kiss lip-to-lip. But it's fine to smack people into oblivion with bollards, baseball bats and fists to the skull.

Red Chillies Entertainment

There is no Rohit Shetty film without dushm-dushm, but what makes me laugh is how hardcore violence is so easily exploited in a 'family movie', yet it's abominable to even think that Raj and Meera could kiss at the end when they realise how deeply they're still in love with each other. Even Kuch Kuch Hota Hain had more sensuality, and that was released 16 years ago!

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