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The 19 Strangest Items From Republican Primary Candidates' Official Online Stores

Democracy, one custom T-shirt at a time.

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1. The Jeb Bush Molcajete

jeb2016.com

The Holy Grail of bizarre 2015 Primary merchandise. Besides ditching the word "molcajete" for the more Iowa-friendly "Guaca Bowle," the item description appears to also hold Gov. Bush's undoubtedly awesome guacamole recipe hostage unless he is elected President.

3. The Three-Foot Tall Rand Paul Birthday Card

store.randpaul.com

Anyone paying attention to the markups on many campaign items may be puzzled as to how the Rand Paul Shop can send you an enormous cardboard printout with an equally enormous envelope for only $35. Free markets indeed!

4. The Psychedelic Ted Cruz Poster

store.tedcruz.org

A perfect gift for any hippie who also likes Ted Cruz. The poster includes masterfully arranged archetypes of grassroots conservatism, like a resilient stars-and-stripes fist, appeals to courage and social mobility, and Sen. Cruz's enormous Princeton class ring.

5. The Mike Huckabee Clinton Shade T-Shirt

store.mikehuckabee.com

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee hurls some all-star shade at Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton (and her also-Arkansan husband Bill) with this amazing, incredibly wearable T-shirt. Notice the Hillary 2016 logo rotated slightly downwards to highlight the distinct possibility of catastrophic economic decline.

6. The Signed, Personalized Scott Walker Book

shop.scottwalker.com

Across the country, people with $300 to spare are busy ordering personalized notes made out to things like "Wisconsin ACLU" and "Milwaukee County District Attorney's Office." It also seems worth pointing out that "unintimidated" is barely a word.

8. The Official Rick Perry Hat

store.rickperry.org

Rick Perry's official hat looks like that of a popular regional baseball team that is nationally recognized because of their cool logo, which, actually pretty much makes complete sense. In a rather unique promotion, Rick Perry's online store notes that if you order three items, they will almost certainly forget to send one of them.

9. The Hillary Clinton Hard Drive

store.randpaul.com

Rand Paul has an entire section of his campaign store devoted to Hillary Clinton items, but this exact replica of her infamous home email server is the unquestionable standout. Though no longer in working condition, the 500GB drive could once have held over 630,153 eBook copies of The Fountainhead.

11. The Mike Huckabee Dual-Purpose Lawn Sign

store.mikehuckabee.com

This feel-good lawn sign cements Gov. Huckabee as the true choice for religious conservatives in 2016. In Florida, the sign is even resonating with Democrats, who continue to be terrified that their entire state may be underwater by 2050.

12. The Bobby Jindal Obscure Reference T-Shirt

jindal-for-president.myshopify.com

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal's online store only sells one thing, and it may be easily the least-wearable-in-public item this cycle. Which is a shame, as the cringe-y T-shirt is actually a reasonably clever take on a design circulated by activists at the 1988 Young Republican national convention that aimed to rally Richard Nixon out of political retirement. If you pick this shirt up, it's probably best to find a way to also display the neat backstory somewhere while you wear it.

13. The John Kasich "Stump Your Friends" Button

store.johnkasich.com

Impress your friends by showing support for a credible, accomplished swing-state Governor that they have quite possibly never heard of. Adding to the confusion is Kasich's "For Us" tagline, which succeeds in the difficult task of coming off as both populist and elitist simultaneously.

15. The Jeb Bush "My Dad's Cooler Than Your Dad" T-Shirt

jeb2016.com

You may think this would be the kind of message someone trying to distance themselves from nepotist critiques would want to avoid, but apparently not. That said, we can safely expect there won't be a similar "My Brother..." shirt anytime soon.

16. The Rand Paul Autographed Eye Chart

store.randpaul.com

This is easily one of the strangest items on our list, particularly since Sen. Paul is objectively not an ophthalmologist despite routinely claiming so. The product page also features a rather buzz-killing image of Sen. Paul seemingly bored out of his mind while signing three posters at once.

17. The Scott Walker Micro-Fleece Pullover

shop.scottwalker.com

This timeless item perfectly encapsulates Governor Walker's warm, fuzzy personality, and is perfect for a brisk fall Packers game, an Eagle Scout campfire meeting, or walking a picket line in perpetuity.

18. The Hippest Phone Case of 2016

store.tedcruz.org

Congratulations to Ted Cruz on producing some of the most aesthetically pleasing political phone cases we have ever seen. Though popular, the case is also among the Ted Cruz Store's most-returned items, with many buyers complaining that they can't figure out how to clip it onto their landline.

19. The 404 Page at Rick Santorum's Store

ricksantorum.com

Fans of former Pennsylvania Senator and second-place finisher in the 2012 GOP Primary Rick Santorum seem to be SOL (as he might say) when it comes to SWAG. While the cultural crusader's previously awesome store appears to be offline as of this writing, fret not: there remains lots of unofficial merchandise available across the internet (just remember to be very very careful when googling the word "Santorum").

Contact Seb FoxAllen at sebfoxallen@gmail.com.

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