Wake up on September 15th, morning of your 28th birthday, madly in love for first time in your life with girl sleeping next to you.
Feel unfulfilled by the lack of major achievements you've had thus far.
Wonder why you haven't hit any BIG goals you had growing up.
Realize you've been living an unhealthy, reckless lifestyle, drinking and indulging in vices regularly since you were 18 years old, which was 10 YEARS AGO.
Feel your pants pressing tightly around waist.
Walk down 5 flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator on your way to work, feel soreness in your knees, and realize your body doesn't feel 18 anymore.
Wake up early and decide to not skip breakfast for once. Open fridge and see a perfectly good carton of eggs. Close fridge.
Order pancakes and bacon on Seamless. Eat in bed while watching Doug on DVR.
Realize that years of going to the gym and exercising have been offset by terrible nutrition and personal wellbeing.
Day 5 and 6
Go to the gym. Run. Lift. Listen to Taylor Swift too often.
Try to drink protein shakes. Remember they make you want to throw up.
Reflect deeply on what you've done wrong in the past year and what your goals are moving foward.
Day 8: Sundown
Eat like you've never seen or tasted food before. Eat more. Take a break. Eat ice cream.
Go to the gym. Run. Lift.
Diversify your music habits by expanding beyond Taylor Swift.
Make a "Get Healty" playlist, press shuffle button.
Hear "Stronger" by Kanye West right after "Bad Blood", laugh to yourself in an empty gym.
Start coughing non-stop. Ignore it, keep lifting.
Make an irrational, dramatic life decision that for the whole month of October you won't drink anything or indulge in any unhealthy habits.
Start "Sober Tober"
Go to bar with friends to watch Thursday Night Football and drink glass after glass of water to chase your Buffalo wings and curly fries while they drink craft Oktoberfest IPAs.
Watch Steve Smith, your #1 wide receiver in fantasy football, get hurt in the 3rd quarter of the 4th game of the final season of his career.
Realize he must feel so much older than you.
Realize your fantasy team is now seriously weak at wide receiver.
Contemplate trades for a new wide receiver.
Eat another wing. Start to feel sick. Realize you take fantasy football way too seriously if the injury of a player on your team drives you to nausea.
Leave the bar early, completely sober, and walk home with the lingering sense that you're about to throw up over Steve Smith getting injured.
Get home and throw up.
Reluctantly decide to take a sick day from the new job you really like and just started, concerned that you may be making a bad impression on your colleagues. Post in Slack that you'll be working from home.
Go to sleep.
Wake up at 5AM and throw up some more.
Decide to use health insurance to visit a doctor for the first time in over a year.
Step on scale in his office and see it creep alarmingly close to 200 pounds. Feel unhealthy.
Have a million thoughts race through your mind when he tells you "there is definitely something wrong with your breathing."
Take some tests. Get an X-Ray. Reassure yourself you aren't dying.
Find out you have an "impressive" case of walking pneumonia and that the infection in your lungs caused you to throw up.
Feel relieved it wasn't Steve Smith's injury.
Take an Uber to Duane Reade to drop off your prescriptions, then back to your apartment to kill an hour until they're ready, then back to Duane Reade to get them, then back home to pass the hell out, because you mentally and physically feel like Westley from The Princess Bride after spending days being tortured by Count Rugen.
Take your first day of Zithromax and lay down with the lights off.
Feel healthier. Try to go to the gym.
"I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all."
Don't make it past front door.
Swallow the final pill in your Z-pack.
Start working on project from home and fall asleep for 3 hours. Wake up, push yourself by taking stairs downstairs and see package from Amazon waiting for you.
Feel pathetically weak when you bend over to pick it up.
Open brand new scale, tap the middle of it gently with your foot and allow few seconds to pass before you step on it.
Weigh 185 pounds.
Buy new khakis!