Growing Facial Hair Is Hard

Everybody’s beard-crazy these days, but some guys aren’t so lucky. Here’s an open letter from the poorly-bearded.

1. To the Nick Offermans,

Jason Merritt / Getty Images

Zach Galifiniakises,

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

2. And Ryan Goslings of the world.

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

3. And to the people that love them:

4. We get it: Facial hair is SO IN right now.

Charley Gallay / Getty Images

You can get away with just about anything these days, as long as it’s bushy and on your face.

Michael Loccisano / Getty Images

We all want to participate, but some of us just… can’t.

5. Believe us, we try.

Hard, and against all better judgement, we try.

But no matter what we do, we eventually have to accept reality.

6. We can’t will our mustache into being.

It’s a distressing lot, that of the poorly-bearded male.

But growing a beard is hard, and downright impossible for some of us.

Jamie Sabau/Stringer / Getty Images

Sidney Crosby’s 8-week-old 2009 NHL playoff beard.

And on top of bad genetics, we’ve got Beard Anxiety.

From an early age, we’re presented with well-bearded role models.

7. Men with legacies to aspire to and majestic facial hair to emulate.

8. Truly great men.

Universal Pictures / Courtesy Pyxurz

9. We spent our childhoods eagerly anticipating the day our faces would sprout lush, robust beards.

We played dress up, hoping that we wouldn’t be one of the genetically unfortunate when the time came.

10. One of our friends ALWAYS started growing a mustache unnaturally early.

And a kick-ass goatee made ANYTHING work at prom.

We wanted to sport a kick-ass goatee, or mustache, or ANYTHING, but couldn’t.

11. When we hit our early 20s, we had waited long enough. Scruffy patchwork or not, we would HAVE. OUR. BEARDS.

But as we got older, we realized that not all great men have to have epic beards.

Carolyn Kaster / AP

The President has even admitted that he can’t grow a decent beard or mustache.

12. Even some actors known for their tasteful stubble often go clean-shaven.

Denis Balibouse / Reuters

And we’ve seen some goatees go VERY wrong…

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…as well as a mustache that should never have happened.

Larry Busacca / Getty Images

13. And while we may lack the… “ruggedness” of this man:

14. Men like this have been lusted after for decades:


15. And nothing beats this feeling:

16. Or the daily bathroom ritual.

17. So enjoy your moment in the sun while it lasts, bearded guys.

18. Because when the sun sets on your hairy heyday…

19. …we’ll still be here, and smooth as ever.

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