1.
I must stop shitting in the water fountain
2.
Sex with me is like a business meeting in that most’ve it could be done on email.
3.
Who wore it best?
4.
Enjoyed #Panorama and the interviews with people saying children reading about being gay makes them gay. Finally an explanation as to why I am now a cat in a hat.
5.
. @BorisJohnson not heard from u in a while wuu2 babe? xoxox
6.
A stark reminder to never order clothes when drunk
7.
If you fancy being on the next series of @sewingbee you can apply here: https://t.co/l6VnagR8Fm Like I did on Saturday night:
8.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Neither are poisonous to cats, I killed your cat Steve.
9.
Antiques Roadshow: What an extraordinarily rare item. I didn’t think in my career that I’d ever see one. A pair of large topman trousers that fit. *audience applaud*
10.
It's with a heavy heart that I announce that I have an enlarged heart.
11.
‘We need a picture of you for the poster’, they said. ‘We need it now’, they said.
12.
My friend is having some building work done and accidentally cced me into an email with the architects cause one of them is called Joe. Open goal.
13.
My new fave thing on instagram is pretending to be amazed that famous people know famous people
14.
Absolute cutie just came up and started chatting to me on the train, and long story short he’s asked for my details!!! Never heard the chat up line ‘failure to present a valid ticket will incur a fine’ but I’m totally in love!!!
15.
Had a v nice weekend doing my shows at Apollo and also thinkin about ur cute dad
16.
Lovely to have a bottle of water last night with my dear friend @jimmycarr
17.
Ok but can you make it to Cadbury world next week cause i need to book the minibus https://t.co/PkEbSKWpHd
18.
. @leonrestaurants reading this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me
19.
I'll never forget nan's final words: 'Alexa, how many cans of lynx can I put in a log burner?'
20.
Erm
21.
I love One Direction. Hard to choose my favourite but I'd probably say 'left'.
22.
On a long drive finally explained to my friend how to use the word 'quench' as he's been using it wrong for years. He was so shocked he almost quenched the car!
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