This Is What Every Episode Of "Grand Designs" Is Like
Kevin McCloud disses the building for 49 minutes. Then he loves it!
You only watch Grand Designs because it has this funky opening theme tune. AM I RIGHT?
Via youtube.com / Channel 4
"UH AH AH AH UH AH AH AH AH UH AH AH AH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."
But is it a Revisited, which means that you have to watch 48 minutes before you see anything new?
The programme opens with an interview with people who either have more money than sense or more sense than money.
The house they are building? It's either a hole in the ground or a giant pile of rot.
They are project-managing the whole thing themselves – but don't worry, they're totally qualified.
Then... IT'S THE CGI BIT.
WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW.
They've remortgaged everything. How much money can they go over their budget by?
"To save money we're going to live in this small caravan with our four children until the house is built."
Kevin ponders whether the build is too ambitious / not risky enough / unsuitable for the local area.
ADVERT BREAK! B&Q and Homebase ads follow.
Then the construction begins! "We're building an ecological home..."
For the next 20 minutes all you see is this.
THE WINDOWS HAVEN'T TURNED UP.
Kevin gets worried.
Several years later... Have the windows turned up?
Don't worry, there hasn't been any flooding.
There's deffo never any of this.
And they didn't find that whole bit of the build difficult.
"THERE ARE ISSUES WITH THIS HOUSE."
"So I'm going to explain how it can be solved with some props I've found in a nearby bin."
A MILLION INTERIOR DESIGN ADVERTS FOLLOW.
And now it's only 10 minutes until the end of the episode, and the house still looks like this.
THEN YOU SEE HIM WALK TOWARDS THE HOUSE.
THE HOUSE IS FINISHED.
What then follows is a series of incredibly pretentious arty-farty camera angles purposely designed so you go...
Or the house looks so grim you say to your mother...
Then, Kevin cheekily asks...
They look awkward, and then blurt out...
Kevin doesn't make it any worse or anything.
Kevin walks slowly towards the camera with his hands in his pockets, coming out with a story about how the house represents something meaningful.
"This house was always going to be magnificent."
And then you see this.
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