back to top

The Guardian’s “Blind Date” Is The Best Newspaper Column Ever

Good table manners? "Impeccable."

Posted on

What is the best feature in any weekend newspaper?

instagram.com / gramfeed.com

THAT'S RIGHT. It is...

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

In this column The Guardian gets two of its readers to go on a date with each other, then asks them questions about how the date went.

And why is it so compelling?

1. The questions rarely change from week to week.

You're a pro when you can repeat them all from memory in order.
theguardian.com

You're a pro when you can repeat them all from memory in order.

So you get into the habit of trying to work out what their answers to these generic questions actually mean.

2. You start translating their sentences in your mind because some Guardian readers are just a little too shy.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed theguardian.com

3. Although you read too much into sentences and start thinking that people are harsh when they aren't.

Then you spill your latte everywhere, and scream: "What does that even mean?"
WPA Pool / Getty Images Entertainment / Via theguardian.com

Then you spill your latte everywhere, and scream: "What does that even mean?"

4. You enjoy the Guardian-esque topics the daters talk about on their date.

Despite failing to mention fair trade quinoa, this is still the most Guardian answer in Blind Date history.

Nick Dunmore@dunmoreish

Despite failing to mention fair trade quinoa, this is still the most Guardian answer in Blind Date history.

11:31 AM - 25 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

5. The fact that table manners are always "impeccable".

Why? You will never know.
theguardian.com / theguardian.com / theguardian.com

Why? You will never know.

6. Then there are the times they are genuinely bitchy, even though they know the other person WILL be reading the column too.

Such silky #shade, in just 12 little words (in today's Guardian Blind Date column):

Bim Adewunmi@bimadew

Such silky #shade, in just 12 little words (in today's Guardian Blind Date column):

11:37 PM - 15 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

7. Some moments are a little...awkward.

EpicStockMedia / Thinkstock by Getty Images / Via theguardian.com

8. In fact, a lot of them are really awkward.

David Rogers / Getty Images / Via theguardian.com / theguardian.com / theguardian.com

9. Sometimes the dates really don't go well at all.

10. Leading you to shout this at the newsprint.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

11. And you can end up feeling how awful it was.

12. Every awkward dating experience you've ever had is re-enacted in this column.

Ah, memories.
theguardian.com

Ah, memories.

13. And then there are the scores. They rank each other out of 10 so you check how closely they actually match.

BBC / Strictly Come Dancing / youtube.com

You look at the score the first person has given and then you try to guess the score the other person has given them. There's usually a point in it.

14. Although sometimes they use DECIMAL PLACES.

No. This is not allowed.
theguardian.com

No. This is not allowed.

15. Sometimes this ends up being awkward too.

Ouch.

16. You develop a superiority complex over the people in these columns because you would never go public about your own dating experiences in a national newspaper.

Getty Images/Wavebreak Media Wavebreakmedia Ltd

17. But when you see this tweet you are tempted to email because of <3 (and a free meal).

&lt;3 a free meal.
Bethany Clarke Getty Images / Twitter: @guardianweekend /

<3 a free meal.

18. Then there's the flutter in your heart when you realise both daters are really into each other.

Followed by frustration because you&#x27;ll never find out if they are in a relationship, when they are getting married, HOW MANY BABIES THEY WILL HAVE.
Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed and Andreka / iStock / Getty Images

Followed by frustration because you'll never find out if they are in a relationship, when they are getting married, HOW MANY BABIES THEY WILL HAVE.

19. But then there is this scenario. The WORST scenario.

mrovka / iStock / Getty Images / theguardian.com

20. Coupled with this.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed Getty Images/iStockphoto FotoFabbrica / theguardian.com