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29 Thoughts I Had During The First Episode Of "Bake Off" 2016

"I LOVE SWALLOWS."

1. Wait WAIT wait WAIT a second. The first line of Bake Off 2016 is a joke about a sex toy? Amazing.

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T-MINUS THREE HOURS TO DAILY MAIL OUTRAGE.

2. I have experienced this problem.

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Especially with Bake Off not being on for 10 months.

3. Same.

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4. Same.

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5. This is me sliding into your DMs.

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6. Me seeing Selasi for the first time.

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7. Paul: "We will make the challenges easier, by making it harder, by making it easier, by making it harder." Great.

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8. I wonder if any of the contestants have watched previous episodes and picked up any tips.

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9. Yep, they all have watched previous episodes.

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The technical challenge is drinking a bottle of Cointreau alone.

10. Hopefully, the bakers have learnt that anything could be interpreted as a sexual innuen... They haven't.

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11. At least they're not doing anything visually that could be interpreted as a sexu–...

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12. Meanwhile, Val has won Bake Off 2016.

Love Productions / BBC

A 13-minute-long series. Ten million viewers.

13. Selasi is becoming one of those people who turns up one minute before the exam is over, writes three words, and then passes all of his exams with an A*.

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14. This is what your exam essay was like.

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15. They're making jaffa cakes for the technical challenge! This looks like it would be fun and simple.

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16. You know what? I'll go to the shops.

Love Productions / BBC

It's 99p for, like, 10,000 of them at Asda. (Asda's lawyers: "Umm...is it?)

17. Meanwhile, Val has won Bake Off 2016.

BBC / Love Productions

18. This facial expression when Paul says her jaffa cakes are "uniform...ly bad" is everything.

Love Productions / BBC

19. There's something about the sound of this cake hitting the side of the tent that is weirdly enticing.

Love Productions / BBC

20. Michael from university is going one step up from alcohol and is getting Mary to try some "grass."

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Total race of the bottom to win points these days.

21. I think this contestant loves swallows. I don't know.

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*Legal note to BBC lawyers: She didn't actually say this.

22. This show should have ended half an hour ago.

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Note to BBC lawyers: Cancel the show.

23. And why are there not enough freezers?

Love Productions / BBC

24. HAS THIS SHOW LEARNED NOTHING OVER THE YEARS?

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Baked Alaska Ian must be furious.

25. Sue is also now confirmed as the person who helps the baker who inevitably cries in the first episode.

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What a legend.

26. Such a shame that her "mirror on a mirror reflecting into a mirror looking into a mirror of a mirror opposite a mirror eating a mirror in a hallway of mirrors" didn't work.

Love Productions / BBC

27. #WeWantPlates

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28. But at least Star Baker went to the one who I can't remember anything they did in the show whatsoever.

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She's lovely though. Probably. Can't remember.

29. If you want the first episode of Bake Off summed up in a GIF, let it be this. Only this.

BBC / Love Productions
BBC / Love Productions

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