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We Asked Philomena Cunk 10 Questions. Here Are Her Answers.
And of course, as you would expect, they were well-researched, articulate, and accurate.
1. What is Brexit and why should we care?
"Brexit is a sort of cereal which Nigel Farage eats. Breakfast is really important. Experts call it the most important meal of the morning.
"Breakfast is a great way to start the day. If you start a day with dinner, you’ll be late for work. Roasting lamb takes ages."
2. Should Britain leave the EU?
"The problem with pulling Britain out of Europe is that nobody has explained how they plan to do it.
"I think you’d need loads of boats, all tied to lighthouses in Scotland, all yanking at once, to drag us away. And that would mean the country going north, where it’s colder. I spent an afternoon in Aberdeen once, by mistake, and I had to wear three anoraks."
3. Is crime getting worse and, if so, why?
"Old crimes were amazing. Like robbing an actual train or cutting a king’s head off. Crime now is borrowing your address off an envelope and pretending to be you to open a Boots Advantage Card account. That’s rubbish.
"So yes. Crime is getting much worse."
4. What are gravitational waves?
"I read somewhere that nobody knew where gravitational comes from, but now they know it’s waves. But that’s no help to me, because I don’t know where waves come from. So that’s no use.
"I mean, think about it. I’ve been on the beach at Brighton. And there’s waves. Are they coming from France? But I’ve been on the beach at France. And there’s waves there too, going, I shit you not, exactly the same direction. Where are they coming from? They should send some boffins to the sea to find out."
5. Why should we care about gravitational waves?
"Gravitational is what keeps apples out of trees. Without gravitational, we’d have to climb a ladder every time we wanted an apple. Which is good fitness, but might put people off apples.
"So anything gravitational does is important, even if it’s something that seems daft, like waving."
6. Who is Philomena Cunk's favourite politician?
"I don’t really know any politicians. I used to like that grey man who was always in the news. Major John. He was funny. I think he should have been prime minister.
"People are always talking about Boris Johnson. His bikes are quite good, I suppose. But I reckon he’d be in with a chance if he brushed his hair and stopped saying things and doing things, and had a different face, and wheels, and a saddle. Basically, if he was a bike, then I could get behind him. Except that’s not how you ride a bike."
7. How has the internet changed society?
"Before the internet, if you wanted to upset everyone, you’d have to go round to them one by one, but now you can do it in seconds, just by tweeting something you thought was funny because you were drunk.
"The internet’s sped everything up. I remember when you used to order something from the shops and it would take two days. Now it gets delivered straight away, while you’re out, and goes direct to the Post Office, where you can collect it in 48 hours."
8. What do you think of Bake Off?
"I think it’s great that cakes have their own competition. People have had competitions for ages, and dogs, but nobody ever pitted buns against each other for our entertainment.
"Not even the Romans, and they’d put anything in a fight. Also, it’s good for Britain’s bunting industry."
9. Why should we care about Shakespeare?
"Because it’s 400 years since he died, and that’s a round number, and that makes things sadder, like when it was 1,000 years since the first world war and everyone was totally cut up for a bit. It’s all the noughts that are sad. Because they’re so hopeless. Like a dog’s sad eyes in a Kay Burley tweet."
10. What is your favourite passage of Shakespeare text?
"Shut up. I didn’t know Shakespeare wrote any texts. Did he? That’s blown my mind. It shows you how ahead of his time he was. He must have been going mental. Having all these great texts, and no phone to send them on.
"No wonder he wrote so many plays. Just to get all that texting out of his system. Amazing man."
Cunk on Shakespeare is on BBC Two at 10pm on Wednesday 11 May.