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I Baked Every Technical Challenge From "Bake Off" 2016 And Fucking Hell

How did Selasi not get stressed making these?

Last year I decided to bake every technical challenge from The Great British Bake Off, despite having no baking experience whatsoever. It did not go to plan.

1. CAKE WEEK: Jaffa Cakes (aka Don’t Bother Making, And No, That Isn’t Blood)

I didn't realise I should have let the chocolate cool first. I then decided to tweet a photo of my Jaffa cakes. The responses I got back weren't that great.

This was the worst review of my bake:

2. DESSERT WEEK: Marjolaine (aka A Gigantic Viennetta, Back From The Dead)

Bake Off's Val randomly commented on a photo of my bake on Instagram. She said:

3. BREAD WEEK: Dampfnudel (aka That's Right, Some Testicles In A Frying Pan!)

Val also responded to this bake on Instagram. She commented:

Her words helped me. Then I remembered these tweets, both tweeted 10 minutes apart.

@scottygb ok just caught up on your tweet, sorry x

4. PÂTISSERIE WEEK: Savarin With Chantilly Cream (aka The Doughnut Of Doom)

I also had to pipe out "Saverin" on a melted chocolate disc to display on my cake. Candice from Bake Off's attempt is on the LEFT below.

I also tweeted a photo of my chocolate disc.

@scottygb please don't hurt me but i actually thought this said "trash"

Reviews: "It looks OK...from a distance." "Not very good." "Why?" You can try this confusing cake for yourself here.

5. BATTER WEEK: Lace Pancakes (aka So Easy That Even I Could Make Them)

Here is the evidence of this technical going to my head:

6. BISCUIT WEEK: Viennese Whirls (aka Don't Take These To Work By Bike)

I cycled the biscuits to work. They all totally glued together in the box.

7. PASTRY WEEK: Bakewell Tart (aka I Fucking Hate Icing So Damn Much)

However, I didn't realise that when you blind bake things, you are supposed to put a protective layer between the baking beans and the pastry. The pastry looked weird.

8. Fougasse (aka OK The Look Is All Wrong But Oh My It Tasted Delicious)

The whole thing was a gloopy mess, but my god it was exhilarating to make.

9. TUDOR WEEK: Jumble Biscuits (aka What Is The Point Of These Knots?)

Five hundred grams of ground aniseed arrived in the post. It was only then that I decided to check the recipe. It turns out that I needed, in total, half a teaspoon.

EXTRA: I also made a Botanical Week three-tier flower cake Showstopper, which didn't really go to plan either. We filmed it, and you can watch it here.

I also think my boyfriend is pleased it's over. This was his tweet when I said I had finished them all.

@janinegibson @scottygb AND HE RETIRES. THE END.