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Which British Festival Should You Go To This Year?

It's April, which means you're in a slight panic because you have no titting clue what festival to go to this year. Let this be your guide.

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  1. 1. Important first question.

    Matt Cardy / Stringer / Getty Images
    Sticky mud.
    Scottcawley / CC / Via Flickr: scottcawley
    Sticky mud.
    Scottcawley / CC / Via Flickr: scottcawley
    Slippy mud.
    Hatters / CC / Via Flickr: hatters
    Slippy mud.
    Hatters / CC / Via Flickr: hatters
    Icky mud.
    Scott Davies / CC / Via Flickr: scottdavies
    Icky mud.
    Scott Davies / CC / Via Flickr: scottdavies
    Tricky mud.
    Last Years Girl / CC / Via Flickr: lastyearsgirl_
    Tricky mud.
    Last Years Girl / CC / Via Flickr: lastyearsgirl_
    Stucky mud.
    Toadie Poo / CC / Via Flickr: toadiepoo
    Stucky mud.
    Toadie Poo / CC / Via Flickr: toadiepoo
    Soupy mud.
    Ebotunes / CC / Via Flickr: ebotunes
    Soupy mud.
    Ebotunes / CC / Via Flickr: ebotunes
    Gloopy mud.
    Practical Owl / CC / Via Flickr: practicalowl
    Gloopy mud.
    Practical Owl / CC / Via Flickr: practicalowl
    Ewwwwwy mud.
    Burge5000 / CC / Via Flickr: burge5000
    Ewwwwwy mud.
    Burge5000 / CC / Via Flickr: burge5000
    THE HELL WITH THIS MUD.
    Rosie Greenway / Getty Images
    THE HELL WITH THIS MUD.
    Rosie Greenway / Getty Images
  2. 2. A very important second question.

    LEON NEAL / AFP and Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed
    Eww.
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
    I would.
    You have to have sex somewhere.
    I would really like to have sex in tents.
    I HAVE had sex in tents. *smug face*
    MULTIPLE times.
    I wish I could have sex in tents.
    I just wish I could have more sex, tbh.
  3. 3. Now let's turn to alcohol.

    JOEL SAGET / AFP
    Brothers
    Carolslines / CC / Via Flickr: caroslines
    Brothers
    Carolslines / CC / Via Flickr: caroslines
    Smirnoff (in a plastic bottle)
    Electicinca / CC / Via Flickr: bensutherland
    Smirnoff (in a plastic bottle)
    Electicinca / CC / Via Flickr: bensutherland
    Magners
    Clocky / CC / Via Flickr: clocky
    Magners
    Clocky / CC / Via Flickr: clocky
    Carling
    Vineco / CC / Via Flickr: vineco
    Carling
    Vineco / CC / Via Flickr: vineco
    Rekorderlig
    Lemmingzappa / CC / Via Flickr: lemmingzappa
    Rekorderlig
    Lemmingzappa / CC / Via Flickr: lemmingzappa
    Strongbow
    Mullers / CC / Via Flickr: mullers
    Strongbow
    Mullers / CC / Via Flickr: mullers
    Carlsberg Special Brew
    Ralph-dot / CC / Via Flickr: ralph-dot
    Carlsberg Special Brew
    Ralph-dot / CC / Via Flickr: ralph-dot
    Wine yeah (in a plastic bottle)
    29233640@NO7 / CC / Via Flickr: 29233640@N07
    Wine yeah (in a plastic bottle)
    29233640@NO7 / CC / Via Flickr: 29233640@N07
    Champagne
    E_Calamar / CC / Via Flickr: e_calamar
    Champagne
    E_Calamar / CC / Via Flickr: e_calamar
  4. 4. Next, a question about the countryside.

    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
    NOT RURAL – I want to go home by Uber.
    NOT THAT RURAL – I want to be home in an hour.
    A BIT RURAL – I want to be 40 minutes from a Nando's.
    QUITE RURAL – Nando's can just do one, tbh.
    RURAL – I don't want there to be any phone signal, tbh.
    MORE RURAL – I want to be confused by the dialect.
    EVEN MORE RURAL – I want to be confused all the time.
    EXCEPTIONALLY RURAL – I don't want to go home.
    I WANT IT TO BE ON A FANTASY ISLAND.
  5. 5. I'm sorry, we have to talk about this.

    Thinkstock / Scott Bryan (BuzzFeed)
    These powerful dirty portaloos.
    Delasoir / CC / Via Flickr: delasoir
    These powerful dirty portaloos.
    Delasoir / CC / Via Flickr: delasoir
    This powerful clean portaloo.
    Auntie P / CC / Via Flickr: auntiep
    This powerful clean portaloo.
    Auntie P / CC / Via Flickr: auntiep
    These powerful compost toilets.
    Bigyabbie / CC / Via Flickr: bigyabbie
    These powerful compost toilets.
    Bigyabbie / CC / Via Flickr: bigyabbie
    This powerful downmarket toilet.
    Redbettyblack / CC / Via Flickr: redbettyblack
    This powerful downmarket toilet.
    Redbettyblack / CC / Via Flickr: redbettyblack
    These powerful urinals.
    Lesando / CC / Via Flickr: lesando
    These powerful urinals.
    Lesando / CC / Via Flickr: lesando
    This powerful posh toilet.
    Project-404 / CC / Via Flickr: project-404
    This powerful posh toilet.
    Project-404 / CC / Via Flickr: project-404
    These upmarket metal toilets.
    Crackers United/ CC / Via Flickr: crackersunited
    These upmarket metal toilets.
    Crackers United/ CC / Via Flickr: crackersunited
    This powerful dirty toilet.
    Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed
    This powerful dirty toilet.
    Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed
    This homely normal toilet.
    Dreamyourealive / CC / Via Flickr: dreamyourealive
    This homely normal toilet.
    Dreamyourealive / CC / Via Flickr: dreamyourealive
  6. 6. This too.

    Thinkstock
  7. 7. Now let's tackle the big question.

    LEON NEAL / AFP
    To be involved in POLITICS AND ACTIVISM.
    To treat the kids and feel like a COOL PARENT.
    To hear POETRY and discuss it deeply.
    To GET DRUNK and nothing else.
    To get drunk AND SET FIRE TO THINGS.
    To experience SIGNIFICANT HEARING LOSS.
    To PRETEND it is the 1960s and listen to the music.
    To drink OVERPRICED FOOD and alcohol.
    To get bruises from DANCING TOO HARD.
  8. 8. This is also an important question.

    Getty Images
    A cow.
    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
    A cow.
    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
    A pink sheep.
    Incessantflux / CC / Via Flickr: incessantflux
    A pink sheep.
    Incessantflux / CC / Via Flickr: incessantflux
    A pig.
    Thinkstock
    A pig.
    Thinkstock
    A sexy walrus.
    DPA / Getty Images
    A sexy walrus.
    DPA / Getty Images
    An alpaca.
    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
    An alpaca.
    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
    A snail.
    713764@N03 / CC / Via Flickr: 7147684@N03
    A snail.
    713764@N03 / CC / Via Flickr: 7147684@N03
    A skunk.
    Kominyetska / CC / Via Flickr: kominyetska
    A skunk.
    Kominyetska / CC / Via Flickr: kominyetska
    A proud deer.
    Jeff J Mitchell / Getty Images
    A proud deer.
    Jeff J Mitchell / Getty Images
    A dinosaur.
    Vince Bucci / Getty Images
    A dinosaur.
    Vince Bucci / Getty Images
  9. 9. And, finally.

    Thinkstock and Scott Bryan (BuzzFeed)
    A cheeky and overpriced NANDO'S.
    A bacon butty meal from McDonald's.
    A fresh slice of pizza from Greggs.
    A lovely hot cup of homemade soup.
    A shish kebab from the local takeaway.
    A piece of toast and a Virgin Mary.
    A bowl of Scott's Porage with loads of sugar.
    A quinoa salad with added kale.
    A full English breakfast with a BUCKET of tea.

Which British Festival Should You Go To This Year?

You got: Glastonbury Festival

YOU'RE GOING TO GLASTONBURY! Oh wait, hang on. Did you register for tickets at Glastonbury? Did you pay for your deposit in the first online sale? Have you just paid off your remaining ticket balance online? If so, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO GLASTONBURY!!!

Glastonbury Festival
Flickr: Russ Garrett / Creative Commons / (CC BY-NC-SA http://2.0) / Via Flickr: russss
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You got: Latitude Festival

You're the type of person who is just so over THAT Glasto buzz and whose life ambition is to enthusiastically read The Guardian in an field. You're looking for a festival where you have enough spare camping space to erect your own gazebo. This is the festival for you. You can get tickets for Latitude here.

Latitude Festival
Jon Mould / Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND http://2.0) / Via Flickr: jonmould
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You got: British Summer Time Festival

YEAH. BST. The city festival, 50 metres to the nearest tube station. A festival that REALLY likes to be subtle with its corporate branding *lies*. You'll love this festival and you'll be sleeping in your own bed tonight, you hero. Tickets are still available and you can get them here.

British Summer Time Festival
Cheesyfeet / (CC BY-NC-ND http://2.0) / Via Flickr: cheesyfeet
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You got: Isle of Wight Festival

The festival where THERE IS NO ESCAPE. Literally. Because you are on a island. IoW is a little bit like Glasto, with the mud and all, but smaller, with more dadrock than you can handle. You'll love it (probably). It's on from 11–14 June and you can get tickets here..

Isle of Wight Festival
Ben A. Pruchnie / Getty Images
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You got: Reading and Leeds Festival

This is the festival that wants to punch you in the face. People like to set alight to tents here. And if you're over 17 you might not come back alive. Just a warning. Bring warm Carling. It'll be swell. It's on from 28–30 August and you can get tickets here.

Reading and Leeds Festival
David Martyn Hunt / Creative Commons (CC BY http://2.0) / Via Flickr: davidchief
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You got: Camp Bestival

Camp Bestival is a festival that Mumsnet would be proud of. Seriously. I've just looked and there's a whole thread on the site about it, and they <3 it. Seriously, though. Bring your kids. If you haven't got kids, buy some. It's on from 30 July–2 August and you can buy tickets here.

Camp Bestival
Mat Walker / Creative Commons (CC BY http://2.0) / Via Flickr: matski_98
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You got: V Festival

The Virgin Mobile V Festival is pop as hell and as corporate as hell but you don't simply give a damn. You just want to get a suntan and sweat in a field listening to music that doesn't sound like two bin lids being repeatedly smashed together. V Festival on from 28–30 August and you can get tickets here.

V Festival
vfestival.com
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You got: Creamfields

Creamfields music is all DWWWWOOOPPP DEEP DERRRP NEEEEEPP NERRP FLEEEURRRPPP WWWHAAP WHAAT WAAP WEEEE ERRRRRPP PPRRRRREEE PRWWEEE. Hope that helps. The festival is on from 28–30 August and you can get tickets here.

Creamfields
Gerardo Lazzari / (CC BY-SA http://2.0) / Via Flickr: gerardolazzari
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You got: T in the Park

T in the Park lively Scottish festival that always manages to be sunny ALL THE TIME. And even though it has moved location several times, that doesn't seem to ruin things either. This festival may or may not contain Edith Bowman. The festival is on from 10–12 July and you can get tickets here.

T in the Park
Gary Henderson / (CC BY-NC-ND http://2.0) / Via Flickr: gary2
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