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Which British Festival Should You Go To This Year?

It's April, which means you're in a slight panic because you have no titting clue what festival to go to this year. Let this be your guide.

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  1. 1. Important first question.

    Matt Cardy / Stringer / Getty Images
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    Scottcawley / CC / Via Flickr: scottcawley
    Sticky mud.
    Scottcawley / CC / Via Flickr: scottcawley
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    Hatters / CC / Via Flickr: hatters
    Slippy mud.
    Hatters / CC / Via Flickr: hatters
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    Scott Davies / CC / Via Flickr: scottdavies
    Icky mud.
    Scott Davies / CC / Via Flickr: scottdavies
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    Last Years Girl / CC / Via Flickr: lastyearsgirl_
    Tricky mud.
    Last Years Girl / CC / Via Flickr: lastyearsgirl_
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    Toadie Poo / CC / Via Flickr: toadiepoo
    Stucky mud.
    Toadie Poo / CC / Via Flickr: toadiepoo
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    Ebotunes / CC / Via Flickr: ebotunes
    Soupy mud.
    Ebotunes / CC / Via Flickr: ebotunes
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    Practical Owl / CC / Via Flickr: practicalowl
    Gloopy mud.
    Practical Owl / CC / Via Flickr: practicalowl
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    Burge5000 / CC / Via Flickr: burge5000
    Ewwwwwy mud.
    Burge5000 / CC / Via Flickr: burge5000
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    Rosie Greenway / Getty Images
    THE HELL WITH THIS MUD.
    Rosie Greenway / Getty Images
  2. 2. A very important second question.

    LEON NEAL / AFP and Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed
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    Eww.
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    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
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    I would.
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    You have to have sex somewhere.
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    I would really like to have sex in tents.
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    I HAVE had sex in tents. *smug face*
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    MULTIPLE times.
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    I wish I could have sex in tents.
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    I just wish I could have more sex, tbh.
  3. 3. Now let's turn to alcohol.

    JOEL SAGET / AFP
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    Carolslines / CC / Via Flickr: caroslines
    Brothers
    Carolslines / CC / Via Flickr: caroslines
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    Electicinca / CC / Via Flickr: bensutherland
    Smirnoff (in a plastic bottle)
    Electicinca / CC / Via Flickr: bensutherland
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    Clocky / CC / Via Flickr: clocky
    Magners
    Clocky / CC / Via Flickr: clocky
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    Vineco / CC / Via Flickr: vineco
    Carling
    Vineco / CC / Via Flickr: vineco
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    Lemmingzappa / CC / Via Flickr: lemmingzappa
    Rekorderlig
    Lemmingzappa / CC / Via Flickr: lemmingzappa
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    Mullers / CC / Via Flickr: mullers
    Strongbow
    Mullers / CC / Via Flickr: mullers
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    Ralph-dot / CC / Via Flickr: ralph-dot
    Carlsberg Special Brew
    Ralph-dot / CC / Via Flickr: ralph-dot
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    29233640@NO7 / CC / Via Flickr: 29233640@N07
    Wine yeah (in a plastic bottle)
    29233640@NO7 / CC / Via Flickr: 29233640@N07
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    E_Calamar / CC / Via Flickr: e_calamar
    Champagne
    E_Calamar / CC / Via Flickr: e_calamar
  4. 4. Next, a question about the countryside.

    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
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    NOT RURAL – I want to go home by Uber.
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    NOT THAT RURAL – I want to be home in an hour.
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    A BIT RURAL – I want to be 40 minutes from a Nando's.
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    QUITE RURAL – Nando's can just do one, tbh.
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    RURAL – I don't want there to be any phone signal, tbh.
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    MORE RURAL – I want to be confused by the dialect.
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    EVEN MORE RURAL – I want to be confused all the time.
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    EXCEPTIONALLY RURAL – I don't want to go home.
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    I WANT IT TO BE ON A FANTASY ISLAND.
  5. 5. I'm sorry, we have to talk about this.

    Thinkstock / Scott Bryan (BuzzFeed)
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    Delasoir / CC / Via Flickr: delasoir
    These powerful dirty portaloos.
    Delasoir / CC / Via Flickr: delasoir
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    Auntie P / CC / Via Flickr: auntiep
    This powerful clean portaloo.
    Auntie P / CC / Via Flickr: auntiep
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    Bigyabbie / CC / Via Flickr: bigyabbie
    These powerful compost toilets.
    Bigyabbie / CC / Via Flickr: bigyabbie
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    Redbettyblack / CC / Via Flickr: redbettyblack
    This powerful downmarket toilet.
    Redbettyblack / CC / Via Flickr: redbettyblack
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    Lesando / CC / Via Flickr: lesando
    These powerful urinals.
    Lesando / CC / Via Flickr: lesando
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    Project-404 / CC / Via Flickr: project-404
    This powerful posh toilet.
    Project-404 / CC / Via Flickr: project-404
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    Crackers United/ CC / Via Flickr: crackersunited
    These upmarket metal toilets.
    Crackers United/ CC / Via Flickr: crackersunited
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    Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed
    This powerful dirty toilet.
    Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed
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    Dreamyourealive / CC / Via Flickr: dreamyourealive
    This homely normal toilet.
    Dreamyourealive / CC / Via Flickr: dreamyourealive
  6. 6. This too.

    Thinkstock
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  7. 7. Now let's tackle the big question.

    LEON NEAL / AFP
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    To be involved in POLITICS AND ACTIVISM.
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    To treat the kids and feel like a COOL PARENT.
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    To hear POETRY and discuss it deeply.
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    To GET DRUNK and nothing else.
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    To get drunk AND SET FIRE TO THINGS.
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    To experience SIGNIFICANT HEARING LOSS.
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    To PRETEND it is the 1960s and listen to the music.
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    To drink OVERPRICED FOOD and alcohol.
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    To get bruises from DANCING TOO HARD.
  8. 8. This is also an important question.

    Getty Images
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    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
    A cow.
    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
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    Incessantflux / CC / Via Flickr: incessantflux
    A pink sheep.
    Incessantflux / CC / Via Flickr: incessantflux
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    Thinkstock
    A pig.
    Thinkstock
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    DPA / Getty Images
    A sexy walrus.
    DPA / Getty Images
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    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
    An alpaca.
    Matt Cardy / Getty Images
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    713764@N03 / CC / Via Flickr: 7147684@N03
    A snail.
    713764@N03 / CC / Via Flickr: 7147684@N03
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    Kominyetska / CC / Via Flickr: kominyetska
    A skunk.
    Kominyetska / CC / Via Flickr: kominyetska
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    Jeff J Mitchell / Getty Images
    A proud deer.
    Jeff J Mitchell / Getty Images
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    Vince Bucci / Getty Images
    A dinosaur.
    Vince Bucci / Getty Images
  9. 9. And, finally.

    Thinkstock and Scott Bryan (BuzzFeed)
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    A cheeky and overpriced NANDO'S.
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    A bacon butty meal from McDonald's.
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    A fresh slice of pizza from Greggs.
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    A lovely hot cup of homemade soup.
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    A shish kebab from the local takeaway.
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    A piece of toast and a Virgin Mary.
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    A bowl of Scott's Porage with loads of sugar.
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    A quinoa salad with added kale.
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    A full English breakfast with a BUCKET of tea.
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