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I Read The New "Fifty Shades" Book, And It Is Absolutely Batshit

E. L. James' new book is called Grey. We need to talk about how crazy this book is. NSFW language ahead – including the phrase "music to my dick".

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I received a book in the post today.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed
Scott Bryan / Buzz

It's Fifty Shades of Grey, this time written from the perspective of Christian Grey.

So, armed with a highlighter pen, I decided to read and live-tweet the whole thing.

Here are my thoughts.

Before we go anywhere, you should know that many chapters of the book open like this.

You have been warned. These chapters are truly Shakespearean.
Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

You have been warned. These chapters are truly Shakespearean.

The first odd moment in the book though comes only pages in, when Ana asks if Grey is gay.

I’m reading the new 50 Shades of Grey today so you don’t have to.

Wow, that escalated quickly for absolutely no reason.

This topic comes up at least three times in the book, such as when they talk about anal.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

But the weirdness of these sections pales in comparison to this paragraph, in which Anastasia makes a cup of tea.

I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I tweeted it and the responses were all like this.

@scottygb That's SO wrong in SO many levels... oh god ><

Grey is very keen to talk about his cock.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

There are sections of text like this.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

Again and again.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

It's like his cock is an actual separate person.

Grey sounds like a delightful gentleman: "And the sound travels directly to my groin."

There are some very weird analogies, such as when Grey describes Anastasia's "wholesome fragrance".

Such a sexual moment.
Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

Such a sexual moment.

Then there's this simile.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

When I tweeted it, I got responses like this.

@scottygb "Heavily laden with coal and spouting diesel fumes."

@scottygb "She came like a freight train, not stopping at my station."

@scottygb As opposed to coming 10 minutes late and being unable to sit down for 30 minutes, like a South West train...?

Then this incredibly weird section about inserting a peeled ginger root in someone's ass appears.

This book is the worst. I'm so sorry. #Grey

And in case you are wondering why the ginger has to be peeled, here's an explanation.

@scottygb why does the ginger have to be peeled?

@MelOBeeee @scottygb because it would otherwise just be a random piece of root. Peeled it is spicy, much like it is when you eat it.

I started to think that E. L. James must have been eating something while writing this sequel.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

I bet she wrote this while in the kitchen.

Who the hell fucks someone over a kitchen counter table to teach them a lesson? #Grey

Or in the living room.

"Well, I could fuck you over this piano." #Grey

At times I was captivated at how romantic the book is.

But when the book tries to be about feelings, the effect is really quite lost.

"But she wants more. She wants all that romantic shit." #Grey

It just ends up becoming oh so samey.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

See what I mean?

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

So I decided to make an audiobook version.

As promised, here's an audiobook version of this new Grey book.

In case you decide not to watch that video, it's from this, where he compares his own dick to Monopoly.

Heck, that's better than any email I'll ever send.
Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

Heck, that's better than any email I'll ever send.

Not far away is this insane chapter opening.

MUSIC TO MY DICK.
Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

MUSIC TO MY DICK.

Towards the end of the book I learned that being into BDSM can lead to confusing conversations.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

And then this happened.

I HAVE FINISHED THE BOOK AND NOW I REALLY NEED A WASH.

I then received this anonymous DM in Twitter.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

Minutes later I received this one.

SO CONFLICTED.
Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

SO CONFLICTED.

And my full review of the book? It's this.

My conclusion from reading the book so far: I am absolutely not into heterosexual sex.

You can read me livetweeting Grey here: @scottygb.