You have had a hangover.You have had a bitch of a hangover.You have had a real BITCH of a hangover.You have spent all of your money.You have lost all of your money (probably by spending it).You have smashed the front of your smartphone (but will keep using it because the top left hand corner works).You have woken up and noticed the words ‘penis penis penis’ drawn the whole way up your arm.You've tried showering for 20 minutes but have lost hope. The words ‘penis penis penis’ won’t wash off.You then thought “I don’t think anyone will notice the words ‘penis penis penis' all the way up my arms".Then after you left the house, everyone has asked you why the words ‘penis penis penis’ is written all over your arm.You have questioned yourself on how you managed to get home in one piece the night before.You then boasted to all of your friends “I have no idea how I managed to get home last night!!?!”, hiding the fact that you are actually worried because seriously you actually no idea how you got home that night.Why have you questioned yourself so much about how you got home last night? Because you can’t even manage to find your way home sober.You can’t even remember leaving your friend’s house to get to the party.You do however remember drinking a lot of your friend’s beers subtly after you only brought two beers yourself.You have texted your mate “what was I like last night?”You’ve then felt the bitter fear when your mate doesn’t respond to your text message, which makes you assume that last night you were an absolute jerk.To solve this growing self-hatred you have thought this whilst in bed: “I know what will make me feel like less like a big jerk. I will put something on N-E-T-F-L-I-X.”Apart from Netflix, the biggest achievement in your life in the six hours after you have woken up? The fact that you have successfully made it to the toilet from own bed.To celebrate, you have decided to make your way back to the bed from the toilet again.The night before you told everyone that you were going to stick to just beer, but then you drank beer and cider.The night before you told everyone that you were going to stick to just beer, but then you drank beer, cider and red wine.The night before you told everyone that you were going to stick to just beer, but then you drank beer, cider, red wine, a shot of tequila and a glass of white wine.And then another bottle of white wine.Oh wait… you had some shots of tequila too.Followed by some champagne and some more tequila.Followed by some wine and a hello to the inside of a nightclub toilet so you can throw up.“Don’t worry”, you thought. “I gave the toilet attendant a 25p tip so they shouldn’t kick me out whilst I throw up.”However the fear sets in, because the previous 9 times you went to use the nightclub toilet for a wee, you just ran past the toilet attendant after washing your hands to avoid tipping them.Whilst throwing up, you tried to lift your feet away from the floor, just in case the bouncer peers underneath to check if you are throwing up.When you got out of the toilet (much later than anticipated), you felt the walls of the club for a long period of time. You then came to the conclusion that you are a beautiful majestic British swan.The next thing you did? Your swan dance. Your beautiful majestic graceful British swan dance.You danced alone. A lot.You decided to have a look around the entire club for all of your mates. You cannot find any of them.Instead of doing the dignified thing of going home in a taxi cab immediately, you proceeded to dance alone for a great period of time.From the corner of your eye you can see THAT crush you have had for the past nine months. You've hidden your lust for them in case you blew any chance with them. But now? “THIS IS MY MOMENT TO GET INTO THEIR PANTS."The morning after you decided to slip them a text message: “Hey. Sorry for my dance moves on you last night. I was so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing. Is everything alright?”That person has not texted you back, and will never text you back. This pain that will never end.You did pull someone that night. You're quite inexperienced in snogging so you snogged them like a washing machine on its final spin cycle.You were kicked out of the nightclub shortly after.You’ve received a text: “Ooooh and you’re barred.”Oh it seems as if you went to several other nightclubs that night, according to some entry stamps somehow printed on your inner thigh.“I know what I will do” you said to yourself to get over this crushing self-hatred. “I will put on Netfl-… oh. I have already put Netflix on.”You admit that it could have been worse. You could have had some more alcohol when you got home.You’ve then remember: “I drank all of the wine left underneath the radiator when I got home.”You don’t know why you have red wine underneath the radiator, but you drank all of the emergency wine. Even though it tasted like burnt chicken, you’ve never felt more proud of yourself.Still this hangover wasn’t as bad as the time that your Mum or Dad picked you up from a nightclub. You pretended that you weren’t that drunk, by speaking in a formal tone of voice, a tone that you normally reserve for a job interview.“Oh me drunk? I am not. I knew that you would be picking me up so I only had 1 drink.”“In fact, I didn’t even drink any alcohol. I just had a lime soda. And a bacon sandwich.”You then told your parents that there was a person there (your doomed crush) and they were an absolute jerk.You then put your head between your legs, without explaining why to your parents driving at full speed.Despite your parents absolutely knowing that you are utterly smashed, you cannot admit you have been lying to them. Instead, you’ve told them that you’ve suddenly got food poisoning.You proceed to tell your parents to stop driving the car. You throw up into a bush. “SEE? BAD CHICKEN.”You then received a text from a friend: “Are you alright? You just disappeared from the bar halfway through a conversation.”You responded with “SDOIHDDXOIDOIGHGDN;GFDH!!!IN.”You see the text you have just sent them. You probably could have sent something that made sense, but you secretly like the text message you have just sent them.You’ve also enjoyed every tweet you’ve written about being "so wasted" right now. You’ve loved every moment.“Maybe if I stay in this position I’ll feel a lot better.”“Wait a minute. This isn’t even my own bed.”“Oh god is something moving? Something is moving.”“Oh god I am not even in the right house. I went home with the washing machine that I snogged.”JUST DON’T TURN. JUST DON’T LOOK. Just slowly slip out of bed and out of their bedroom, then out of the house, then down the street wearing the same clothes as last night.When any passer by looks at you and assumes that you must gone back to someone’s house last night, you give them the face of “What? No me? I wear these clothes every single day.”Or you give them your “fuck you” facial expression.You love your invented “fuck you” facial expression.Lying on your own couch you think: “I don’t feel so good.”“Oh hello, inside of my bathroom toilet. How are you again?”You’ve now thought this: “I am never drinking again.”“No I said this the previous five times. I said this the previous ten times, but this time I am serious. I am never ever drinking again.”You look back at the times that you have said this. It has been in the 10s, possibly in the 100s, maybe reaching the 1000s.Heck, you’re drunk right now. Aren’t you? AREN'T YOU?"PJ!!!!SLGJDLFJDJGLIDGSLFGFKSNGOSIGOIRHREOI$£"