1."It's an unusual Eurovision this year in that there's a lot of songs that are really quite good and brilliantly sung. The next song is not one of those."
2."That was song eight. That song wasn't longer than the other songs. It just felt longer."
3."The band's trademark is the headphones they're wearing. Not sure what they're listening to, but it's hopefully not this."
4."Songs in Eurovision are often about love, how it can heal, how it brings peace and harmony. This song is called "Love Kills." And if love doesn't kill us, the choreography will. It is woeful."
5."Who knew Trump was a style icon in Moldova?"
6."At the end of the song there are two girls kissing. If two girls kissing offends you, you need to grow up."
7."This is actually quite a good song but you may not notice, because you'll be distracted by the... well let's call them dancers. At points you might think they've had a bad oyster, but truly it's choreographed."
8."Ohhhhhhhhh! That was worse than I remembered. I would have warned you but in dress rehearsals it wasn't that terrible."
9."Answers on a postcard. Did they lose a bet?"
10."On stage with her is popular sand artist... the winner of Ukraine's Got Talent. This certainly begs the question, what came second?"
11."She can do extraordinary things with her voice, not pleasant things, but extraordinary. If you've got dogs or small children in the room, you might want to put them out of earshot."
12."Now I'm not mocking his trousers. I used to own a pair rather similar. But I threw mine away."
13."We just hope the fire alarms don't go off, because as you'll just see, the curling tongs back stage has been working overtime."
14."This is a mysterious song. In this song he says he did something wrong in his childhood. Not sure what it was, but it might have been writing this song."
15."Poor man. He's hoping that she doesn't win, so he doesn't have to do that again."
16."Good news for the Irish economy. I can reveal they have discovered oil there! Sadly it's baby oil and further bad news, they've used all of it on their dancers."
17."It must be one of the worst song titles ever: "Love Injected". Grim... To add to the fun, well she's dressed like a novelty toilet brush, to be honest."
18."OK it's three minutes we're never going to get back. But put it this way, we're never going to have to hear that again."
19."And if you think, 'Oh I quite like that grand piano', I imagine you can find it in a skip outside the stadium at about half twelve."
20."Maybe I'll never hear this song again and die happy."
21."Don't patronise me. I'm 51! I'm not dead!"
22."And that's just tonight."
23."The Romanian Tourist Board have done wonders with that backdrop. Really makes you want to go."
24."Oh yes. There's the Eiffel Tower, I keep forgetting it is there. Every year they remind me."
25."Oh my goodness. It's like a bit of corrugated shed has been blown off a roof and has hit her in her neck."
26."Oh it's Sideshow Bob. Good of him to show up."
27."Nice backdrop of an industrial estate in Finland."
28."Did he know he was going to be on television?"
29."ONE?! We built a tunnel to your country."
30."I think he's delighted that is over. So are we."