I Watched “A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding” And I Encountered A Lot Of Problems

Who knew that a film about a royal wedding would actually end up centring on corrupt business contracts and their implications for the Aldovian economy?

So, last year, I decided to watch A Christmas Prince, a Netflix holiday film so bad it basically fixed my 2017.

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And when a sequel was released a couple of weeks ago, I decided I had to watch it. Needless to say, I found a few problems. This post contains spoilers.

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1. The film starts with Amber at her computer writing a blog post with the worst headline I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

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2. Big event?!!!!???!!!!

3. C’mon, Amber, this is a blog post about your royal wedding! At least consider putting the wedding in the title of your own blog post.

4. I mean, at least consider capitalising the E in “event”.

5. And this is a minor point, but in your blog post you write the words “Dear all”, but in the narration at the same time you say “Loyal readers...”

6. It’s these little details that matter, Amber. This is like the first film when it was set in New York City but it accidentally included a shot of a building in Chicago.

7. Who in their right mind starts a blog post with the words “Dear all”?

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8. Amber, you are always yourself! We are always ourselves!

9. I’m still me!

10. We are only 33 seconds into the film.

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11. Amber, you’re talking about blogs as if it is 2008.

12. It’s actually 2018. Twitter is what we all do now for a living.

13. That...and screaming into the void.

14. We are now hearing the news that Amber’s previous employer, Beat Now magazine, has closed down. I guess that interview with “Pop Singer” didn’t lift sales.

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15. Amber and King Richard are reunited, but only temporarily because he is in constant meetings, dealing with an economic crisis. But surely that’s for the politicians to deal with? Not you?!

16. Wait a sec. Richard keeps having private meetings with the prime minister.

17. He appears to have pushed through his own initiatives and legislation without the public having a vote or any say.

18. Richard gives speeches in front of carefully selected crowds, politely waving flags while protesters are held far away from the news cameras.

19. He’s just given a speech that he admits to Amber contains “blatant propaganda.”

20. Holy hell, King Richard might actually have been an authoritarian leader the entire time.

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21. Glad that my politics degree has not gone to waste.

22. Now Princess Emily is telling Amber that what the people of Aldovia want right now is a big Christmas tree for the royal garden. Not sure how well it will resonate with the population, who are moaning about not having jobs or money.

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23. Now a Christmas performance by Princess Emily has been cancelled because workers have gone on general strike and the entire country’s power has gone out! We are now meant to feel bad, but it has nothing to do with their plight...

24. No...now Princess Emily cannot kiss a boy she fancies.

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25. How dare the Aldovian people be so selfish.

26. But never mind the poverty. Let’s cut to Amber and Richard finding their perfect Christmas tree. Amber has such great advice about men and trees.

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27. How can a tree make a deceiving first impression, Amber?

28. I genuinely went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and now I have no idea what on earth is happening.

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29. The royal family’s publicist has now censored Amber’s blog.

30. And the mood has got even bleaker because of the Christmas card the family has just received.

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31. Ummmm, you just spent the last 10 minutes of the film sledding.

32. And baking cookies.

33. And discussing how similar choosing a Christmas tree is to finding a man.

34. And moving the play from the theatre without electricity to the palace just so Princess Emily can kiss boys.

35. Barring that, though, yes — you are absolutely doing everything you can.

36. I am also very sad to announce that Amber’s journalism skills haven’t improved since the first film.

37. She decides to find out why the people of Aldovia are sad and discovers that a company behind it all has been messing with the economy.

38. Amber then meets with a source. Here are her notes after a long interview about a company called Meadowlark, which is engaged in something fishy.

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39. The source, by the way, tells her a lot of information about who might be behind the dodgy economic practices. This is all she writes.

40. Still, could be worse — remember the first film.

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41. She also didn’t record the interview, and the source can be easily identified because they met in a bar and they are all photographed by some passing paparazzi.

42. Oh and they are discussing hacking some files next, but Amber doesn’t seem to be too bothered about the ethics surrounding hacking.

43. Then again, five minutes ago she accidentally nearly killed two of her best friends with a bow and arrow and she didn’t care about this either.

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44. Princess Emily puts herself forward as the hacker. Princess Emily’s hacking abilities have never been addressed before in A Christmas Prince.

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45. OF COURSE!!

46. I have just clocked that this film is called A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding and yet we are more than two-thirds of the way through the film and there has not been a royal wedding.

47. I’ve now made another coffee and Amber has gone missing.

48. I’ve just asked a colleague, Ellie, about whether the film gets any better and she simply responded: “No.”

49. Oh, it is revealed that a new character introduced 10 minutes ago is responsible for wrecking the economy by siphoning off money out of the country when it should have gone to the Aldovian people.

50. When he threatens legal action, Amber decides it is entirely appropriate to respond by threatening to kill him with a bow and arrow before he leaves the room.

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51. The corruption across the entire country has been solved in 10 seconds.

52. Everyone in the country is now rich.

53. There are 12 minutes until the end of the film and we still haven’t got to the royal wedding yet in A Christmas Prince: A Royal Wedding.

54. Actually, being British and all, not sure I can withstand watching my third royal wedding of the year.

55. Oh, it’s the wedding.

56. Princess Emily appears to be a DJ.

57. And there’s a conga now.

58. This is exhausting.

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59. It is still going.

60. I think this is the end of the film.

61. Oh.

62. It is.

63. It’s like the screenwriter just wrote: “THEY CONGA [ENDS].”

64. And pressed send to Netflix.

65. And my official review? A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding was a film and I have watched it.

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Good luck on your blog, Amber.